better than last year! (phew.)

2010 Rismiller Family Vacation will forever remain etched in my memory, and in the memory of all the Rismiller's who watched me tumble down at the tennis courts. It was especially difficult for the nieces and nephews because they didn't understand what was going on. They simply thought that I was dying, as I went from cheering, "Go, Kids, Go!" during their tennis lesson to passed out on the ground at the park.

This year's family vacation went so much better. There were no medical malfunctions to speak about, except a minor hiccup at a Nike Outlet on the way home where I had to lay down in the fitting room. (but Marcus was there, and caught me in time.) I got fluids in the new Issaquah Highlands hospital the next day. :) I managed to enjoy biking, swimming, running, and even throwing a frisbee while at Sun River with the rest of the family. Marcus and I even rode a bicycle built for two, checking one of the items off my list of 33 things before I'm 33. We took a chairlift up to the top of Mt. Bachelor on a sunny day and hiked around, throwing snow balls, and playing on the big rocks. We even took a tour of a candy & ice cream factory in Bend (enjoying free samples, and then went on a white water rafting trip for a few hours!! I got to participate in all the activities without limitations! And I'm not feeling too terribly now, either. I just had to take a couple of naps along the way.

I didn't end up having the doc turn up the pacemaker before we left. There was a fiasco in communication, so I couldn't get there easily--and in the end, we thought it best to deal with what we know while we were away. I know that I can handle a week of puking. I don't know if I can deal with a week of rate 2.6 and puking. So, we thought it best to wait and have it turned up when we'd be around Seattle in case I can't handle the increased rate. So, I'm getting it turned up today at noon.

I think that's it for news. My puking seems to be a little better than before surgery. I think I keep food down longer, and so more is staying in (at least seemingly.) I haven't noticed an increase in weight, necessarily, but hopefully that will come in time. I still feel like I'm puking everything and all the time, so it's still just as frustrating as ever, but when I stop and reflect (like right now) I think things are staying down a bit longer then they were before. That's something, at least.

Please pray that I can not grow too frustrated with this thing. So far, I want to rip it out of my body on a daily basis. Mostly when it's shocking me. That's been more regularly recently (I think because I've been dehydrated. I'm still having to go in for weekly hydration, and if I miss even a couple days, I almost faint.) Anyway, I know that I can endure it for the 6 months of "trial" that I'm supposed to have. And then, beyond that... help me to know what God has for me in the future. I covet your prayers. All of them. :)

LOVE to All.
b

busy, with a chance of showers.

For some reason I can't write my blog entries from my iPhone. It won't let me type words into the informational area, and then it posts my empty entry. Clearly, it's user error--but I don't know what to do about it. I'm obviously just old, and to remedy the situation should just ask a 12 year old for help. :)

So, the latest on my health is this:
1. Overall, I am mostly unimpressed with the gastric pacemaker. I'm still vomiting all the time, I think just as much as I was before surgery--only now I have a huge lump in my abdomen where the stupid device sticks out, and I get shocked when near people's bluetooths.

2. However, I'm not getting shocked most days. I think I've gotten used to the sensation of it for the most part. I'm going to have Dr. Patterson turn it up again tomorrow, and see if that makes a difference in my digesting, now that I've gotten used to this current rate (2.0) I'm going to have him turn it up to the rate of 2.6, which is the rate that it was when they inititally put it in at, and was shocking me all the time. I'm hoping that it'll be okay now that I'm more used to the sensation of it all.

3. I'm still having a hard time keeping my potassium at a good level. My blood pressure also runs pretty low, and the combination of these two things lends itself to me fainting--not really stellar. I almost passed out again yesterday in Banana Republic with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. It always seems to happen when I'm shopping. Marcus says, "Maybe you should just quit shopping so much." Harumph. I think I'll just ask the doctor if I should increase my potassium supplements. :) I'm still having to get hydration therapy (2 bags of IV fluids) once a week. I'm also wondering if I should get a more permanent IV site (port) put in--especially if I need IV fluids each week. Last week they blew my vein getting my IV started... it swelled up as big as my wrist. (and I'm not exaggerating.)

4. We've been managing to have a great summer in spite of all these things, though. I've been camping twice now in eastern Washington with family. We just got back from a weekend with some good friends from college (& spouses) on Lake Chelan. We head out soon for a firefighter softball tournament in Wenatchee and then family vacation in Sun River, OR during the first week of August.

5. We've been out on the boat a ton in eastern WA, seeking the sun (as it's been FREEZING in SEATTLE!!)--and we're trying to make the most of the summer. Last weekend, I even went tubing behind the boat! It was awesome!! :)

6. My surgical stuff has healed completely. I'm no longer feeling pain from that, which is nice. I'm off the narcotics from that, and am just down to one pain patch to keep the edge off my abdominal pain. I've restarted a medication that seems to be helping me go the bathroom more regularly, which is good too. It's a little spendy, but the benefits far outweigh the cost--so we don't mind at all.

I think that's all. Sorry it's been so long in between posts. We've been busy, but are having a

written and failed

I've written and failed a couple of different blog entries since 6/24, but both of them have been so confusing when I read back over them before I went to publish them--I just clicked "close" and figured that you could be uninformed except by word of mouth, or an occasional facebook post. I've obviously been on too many drugs until now to say anything intelligent.

In my last post, I painted a rosy picture of how things were going. Immediately following that, the proverbial "poop hit the fan." The shocking, which I began to describe in my last post began to hit full boar. Most people, once they have the gastric pacer installed never feel an electrical pulse at all. However, because of my size and weight, and because I'm just "lucky" (please read my dripping sarcasm)I have abnormally thin abdominal walls--thus could feel the shocking constantly once I began to back off of my narcotic pain meds. It hurt HORRIBLY. Like, much worse than the vomiting ever did. Imagine the pain that you feel when you shock your friend from dragging your feet on the carpet. Now, think of that happening every 5 seconds in the same location directly under your rib cage. All day and all night, without a break of any kind. I was not pleasant to be around. ARGH. It was horrific. So, the doctor turned my pacemaker down after two days of that. ( I couldn't get there sooner because I was in Tri-Cities while Marcus was climbing Mt.Rainier--he made it to the top!!)

So, the doctor turned the pacer down, and I haven't been having as much pain since then. But, now I'm back to puking all the time--because it's turned down so far that it's like it's not even in there. Ugh. SO FRUSTRATING. So, I got really dehydrated and almost passed out again, and have had to get fluids weekly since then. But, before that I did get to go on a family camping trip, and hang with some friends in the Tri-Cities, so I've been having a good summer. Busy, full of sun, exhausting, full of puke, pain, and frustration.

I just went in to see the doctor again yesterday. He turned up the pacer again. I've only had one bout of shocking so far. Please pray that this trend continues.

Love.
b

the age of bionic brelin

I'm doing well overall since surgery. I've thrown up about 10-12 times total (which is a vast improvement), and I'm keeping down liquids regularly. The only "problem" comes when I progress past a full liquid diet. For those of you not well-versed in hospital lingo, "full liquid" means, low-fat, runny stuff that you can eat with a spoon. Like, things you could feed your 6 month old. I can tolerate cream of rice cereal sometimes, and frozen yogurt, but not ice cream. I haven't had a full glass of milk, but I've sipped a nonfat latte over a day, and that's stayed down. I don't really like Jell0, but I did have some yesterday and that worked out again. I also keep down some crackers, and once a low-fat string cheese. No success with any types of fruit so far.

The doctor has encouraged me to "be brave" and keep branching out, because I never know when something might work. And just because I throw up one time does not mean that I'm going to spiral out of control into vomit-palooza, where I've been residing for the past several years. The doctor has shared with me that it takes several months to feel the full benefit of the device, and so I should try to not be frustrated. So, I'm doing my best not to be afraid or frustrated.

Here are the answers to the most asked questions:
1. Can you see it?
Yes, you can see it. It's about 2"x 2"x.7" and sits in my lower right abdomen. (near my belly button.) Even if I gain weight, it will probably stick out more on this side.)
2. Can you feel it?
Up until yesterday, I would have answered "no"--but I think I can feel it now. I hope that I can get used it. It's hurting a little, but maybe it's just something else causing the pain.
3. How long is your scar?
They ended up not going laproscopically (making 4 small incisions) because of my extensive surgical history, so I have a now longer scar on my belly--they cut about 3-4" higher. It's healing well. I go see the doctor on Monday to make sure that everything is going okay, and that my labs look good.

Please pray for Marcus, as he is climbing Mt. Rainier this weekend. Pray for his safety, and the safety of those in his group. I'm over with my mom, soaking up the sun while he's away.

Thank you for your continued prayers, I have certainly gained my strength from them this past week and a half. It has been a long and arduous journey, and will remain so for a while, it seems. Please pray that the transition to solid food will be a smooth and easy one. And that I will know when and how to do that. Please give me boldness to try new foods and help me to know when to progress, and when to hold back.

this morning

I am headed off to surgery this morning, but wanted to post quickly before I list to say thank you for praying.

I had an interesting journey getting to "the table" this morning, which I'll have to catch you up on later, which included fainting on a main street in Seattle while shopping with my sister, an ER visit, and then fouled up numbers with my bloodwork leaving the surgery in the balance--but I'm thankful to be having surgery--and I'll be praying with you that this is the answer we've been waiting for.

Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement--and hopefully I'll be posting that I'm feeling great in a couple of days.

Much love.
b

home, and reasonably healthy

PICTURES FROM OUR TRAVELS,

and then a brief overview from our trip...

Gavin found a tiny Hermit Crab


Sophie & Auntie Brelin

Marcus & Brelin at the Kwajalein Yacht Club
(a building with a fridge of beer)

Sunset from Kim & Jon's Patio
(we ran outside from the dinner table one night to take the pic)

Brelin.
photo cred: Marcus
scenery cred: God

Sorry for that lame post the other day, I didn't mean to post it. But, I guess it's good that you knew we were alive. It was honestly all I could muster anyway.

Since we've been home, all I've really done is go to the hospital, get fluids, and then do laundry. I did see a friend for a couple of hours on one afternoon--and that was really fun!! But, I haven't even been down the street to catch up with my family. I've just been sleeping on the couch.

Our vacation was amazingly wonderful. It was paradise. Seriously paradise.

We feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to get away together for such a long time, to rekindle our love for one another; to remember that our life is about more than just shiny silver bowls filled with puke. We were reminded that we can be about more than just surviving until the next IV therapy appointment; about more than just the monotony of each stormy day in Seattle, and even more we can thrive through the stormy moments that seems to compound in our lives.

We were separately so worried about my ability to "survive" the trip, but I made it, and had a really wonderful time. I only had to go to the ER once while on Kwajalein, and the trip only cost us $220 (which is normally about $1200-2550 here), so that was a real blessing. We think that our insurance company will reimburse us for this too.

While we were in Kwaj, we had the chance to snorkel, lay on the beach, Marcus surfed & scuba dived, we ate dinner on the beach several nights, we had a couple of bonfires on the beach, we had worship in the chapel, we traveled to different islands (one by boat- Bigi and one by plane, Roi). We stayed overnight on Roi. I was able to keep up with most of the activity, and even worked out most days with Kim! I had a lot of fun snorkeling, and we even got to see a sea turtle! We got to go golfing, and we rode our bikes everywhere. There are no cars on the island, so you either ride your bike, walk, or run to wherever you're going. It's an amazing place. I'd move there in a heartbeat...except there are no GI docs there, so they won't have me. :) We stayed with Kim and Jon, Sophie and Gavin the whole time we were there, and they were wonderful hosts. I'll tell you about some of our adventures in more detail next post.

We are so thankful for our time together, so blessed that we could be together, to enjoy our time with each other, with family, and be in the sunshine!! We loved it--and it's nice to know that even if I'm not healed completely by this surgery, I can still be fun. God has given me life, and He has given me grace. And I'm so thankful.

Blessings to you all.

Hugs and love,

brelin

We're back!!

a quick post to say goodbye

These past few weeks have been tough...but I've been hanging in there. I've been getting more fluids than normal in preparation for our big trip. I've been going in about once a week to the Infusion Therapy Clinic (I get 2 Liters of fluids over 2-4 hours), and then this past week I went in twice! My period had stopped again, and my weight had dropped a lot again; my pain levels had been worse off than normal, but in spite of all of this, we are sooooooooooo excited to go on vacation!! To say that we are giddy to fly to a tropical island is the understatement of the year.

Just to give you an idea of how miserable the weather has been here, I will present example one: it snowed at our house just 3 days ago. Yeah, actual snow. In the middle of the day. And it stuck, on my freshly potted flowers. I was less than thrilled.

Tomorrow at this time, we will be in Oahu. And then the day after that, we will be in Kwajalein--where the air temp is 90 and the water temp is 85. I'm not sure if I'm ever coming home. Except that the doctors have promised surgery when I get back. So, I guess I'll be home in time for the hospital :) When is that again? June 13? Done. So I guess I promise to be home by June 13. :) Haha!!

Really, we'll be back around the end of May. Please pray for safe travels for Marcus and I, and that our vacation is without incident!! Please pray that I am able to keep fluids down on my own, and that I won't need to go to the hospital there at all. Amen.

Thank you for your love and hugs.
brelin

they said yes, and.... here's the rest of the story.

Sorry for the radio silence, race fans. I've posted a couple of facebook messages, and sent out a couple of text messages. But if you haven't called me, I probably haven't called you either. Sorry. I do appreciate your prayers, warm wishes, and certainly your congratulations. We couldn't have fought this battle without you--and it's not over yet. :) Fortunately, the ugly part with the insurance company part is though. phew. So, here is the deal. About a week ago, I received a phone call from a nice lady from the insurance company and she asked me a bunch of questions. She was not making the actual decision, but she was summarizing my case, and then reporting to the MD at the insurance co who would be making the decision on the second appeal. At the end of her questions, she said, "Is there anything else that you'd like to add?" I said, "Yes." I told her about how difficult my past couple of weeks had been, how I'd almost crashed the cars, how I was not able to stay at home alone because I was having trouble with fainting again, my pain was too much to bear, I was crying all the time, and I felt like I burden to my friends and family...blah,blah,blah..." Anyway, I told her how I've been really feeling. And in the middle of the conversation I burst into tears. I talked about how we've tried every medication, and how I'd been through every procedure known to man: feeding tubes, picc lines, tp, ppn, alternative drug therapies, naturopaths, and how it was so frustrating because nothing ever works. And that despite my good lab results, my quality of life should be taken into account when they are considering my appeal. I also asked that the insurance MD speak directly to Dr. Patterson (my GI doctor.) He's been wanting to do this from the beginning....so I'm not sure why this didn't happen until now...? Anyway, it was Dr. Patterson's speech that pushed them over the edge. The insurance company approved the 2nd appeal, and I have 6 months to have the surgery done. Since our trip to the South Pacfic is already booked, we decided to go through with it, and I'll be having surgery when I get back sometime the first week of June. We'll be gone most of May. The doctor has cleared me for the trip, and has told me to have a great time!! I'm going to be getting fluids before I go just to be on the safe side, and then I think we're going to try and mail some there just in case I need them once I'm there. My sister-in-law is a nurse, and there is also a hospital on-site in case I do have a problem...so, here I come amazing, sunny beach!! Love and hugs, and thanks for the prayers!! Keep 'em coming, this time for COMPLETE HEALING BY MID JUNE-- brelin

they said...

YES!!

please be praying.

The decision is being made regarding my appeal sometime in the next 72 hours. Please pray that they will say "yes." And that we won't have to move onto standing in front of the City of Renton board, because it won't even come to that. The MD from the Insurance Company will simply realize that my quality of life is poor enough that it's worth it to try the surgery. And that I can get surgery when I get back from the South Pacific. And that we will have an amazing time without incident while we are there, and that we won't have any medical complications whatsoever. And when we arrive back in Seattle, the surgery will be flawlessly executed, and I will be feeling a million times better. And I won't need medications any longer, and I won't be in pain any more. And I won't struggle like I do now. And we'll be able to have beautiful, healthy babies. Amen.

another day, another dollar?

Well, the main reason for no posting, I guess, is that there has not been anything really interesting happening. The past month has been full of good snow, so we've been doing lots of snowboarding and skiing at Crystal. We took a quick trip to the Tri-Cities, but were so busy the whole time we were there that we only saw family members. And then we got back, and I was so exhausted from the trip that I literally slept on the couch to recover for three days straight.

I have been having a hard time with depression lately. My mood is a difficult thing to conquer when I feel "stuck"--which is mostly what I've been feeling a lot of lately. We've had to completely back off of having kids, as we have learned that it's going to be IVF (in vitro fertilization), miraculous birth, or no baby for us. And, as far as the surgery for the gastric pacemaker goes, I'm sick, but just not quite sick enough. Let me explain...
The insurance company basically has 5 categories that you have to "fit" in, in order to qualify for the surgery. I am now sick enough in 4 of the 5 categories, but my heart is still doing quite well. Normally, I would think we could just celebrate that my heart is healthy and move on. However, the insurance company seems to think that my heart should begin to have problems before I warrant the surgery. Are you annoyed? Because we are.

Anyway, the latest and greatest news about the board meeting on the 24th of March was actually a false alarm, because we can't submit our case to them before we have exhausted all of our appeals with the insurance company. And we still have one more appeal for them to deny before we can approach the city board. So, again, we wait. And, wait. Ugh.

I did go in to see the GI doctor on Monday morning (two days ago), and had a nice chat with him. My bloodwork is off again. This time my liver enzymes are elevated and my potassium is low. Also, my kidneys have been hurting. I had a follow-up ultrasound yesterday to see what was going on with my liver and kidneys, and my exam was normal....so the elevated liver enzymes remain a mystery.

I did receive 2 liters of IV fluids with potassium and didn't have to pee at the end, so apparently I was a little dehydrated. I didn't even notice it...I guess that could have been causing the kidney pain for sure. *sigh* I'm feeling a bit better today after my fluids. Oh, and it's sunny and warm in Seattle today. YAY for vitamin d!! The best part of the trip to Seattle and the hospital yesterday was that I got to see my step-sister, Alyson. It'd been forever since we'd seen each other--so it was really nice to catch up. She's almost done with her dissertation and then she'll be DR. ALYSON. Crazy.

In other news, Marcus and I are going to the South Pacific! I can hardly wait!! We are going to visit Marcus' sister, Kim and her husband, Jon, and our niece & nephew in the Marshall Islands. We are SOOOOOOOOO excited. It's 85 degrees everyday and the water temp is about 75. There is surfing and snorkeling to do, and to get there you have to fly in and out of Oahu--so we thought we'd see the sights there, since we'd be there anyway. Marcus is beginning a scuba class next week just to prepare for the visit. We're so excited to see them, and to find the sun for so many days. We'll be on the island for almost 3 weeks, and then on Oahu for another 4-5 days... So. Excited. Woot woot!!

I think that's all we've got to report. We're thinking about getting a puppy when we get home. We're sort of becoming that stereotypical thirty-something couple who really want a child but might just get a dog instead to tide us over until the time is right.

Please pray that the insurance company does not deny this final appeal. Or that if they do, the city board will approve it. And if all else fails, we can find a nice attorney who will cover the case and be nice to us and figure out how to help us that way. Oh, and that after all that, the surgery will actually work. And that I'll be healed completely. Forever. Amen.

Thank you for your virtual (and real) hugs, for your cards, phone calls, facebook messages, emails, and all the ways that you remind me that you care. It really does help me remember that life is worth living, and that I'm not alone in this journey. I'm so blessed to call you my friends. (PS I'm crying in Starbucks as I write this. So embarrassing.) Anyway, I love you. And, thanks.

no surgery (again)

We just found out yesterday (for sure) that the insurance company has denied the appeal that we filed. They are going to do a medical peer review (where my doctor talks to the insurance company), but no one is really sure that it'll do any good.

The only silver lining in the cloud is that the City of Renton is actually the one who controls the pot of money that is managed by HMA (the insurance company). So there is some way for Marcus to work directly with the people from HR, and then theoretically they can override the decision made by the insurance company. We are also planning to contact a lawyer, and see if there is something they can do. We are definitely treading on new ground here, and I'm feeling a little backed into the corner.

I know that God has a plan, and that His plans are perfect. I totally get that He is fighting in the trenches with me, but I'm just tired of fighting. Why can't everyone just do the 'right thing' in this situation? Ugh.

Anyway, please pray for my bad attitude, and pray that my frustration subsides. I have been going back and forth between bursting into tears, and laughing about the dumb people that make decisions in our world. :)

On a cheerier note, Marcus and I are celebrating our 6th anniversary tomorrow. Time sure flies when you're having fun! It's also been more than 1/2 our marriage that we've been battling this stupid pukemonster. The good news is that we are more in love than ever.

Thanks for your prayers, love, and words of encouragement in cards and messages. We're thinking and praying for all of you too!

Love, b

no surgery.

We have no new information.
The insurance company has still not approved or denied the appeal. We are irritated, to say the least, but have not sought out any outside help (from attornies, etc) We're hoping that the insurance will make a decision soon, and my GI doctor though the best bet would be for us to somehow get the doctor at the insurance company to speak directly with my physician. He was hopeful that they'd hear him out, and then approve it. I'm not quite sure how to make that happen, but I'll sure do my best to figure it out. Beyond that, there is no real news with us.

My application has been deep sixed at the surgeon's office, but I was reassured that the minute we hear from insurance, the surgeon's office would get the surgery scheduled within a week or two.

The only positive news coming from all this waiting is that it's FINALLY snowing in the mountains!! Hopefully, I can go skiing and snowboarding when I'm not too tired/in too much pain/puking too much.
YAY!! :)

Marcus has been sick this last week with a low-grade fever, aches, super tired, and congestion. Please pray that I don't get it, as it would really wipe me out, and probably dump me into the hospital.

We're hoping to go on a trip to see some family in the South Pacific in May. We couldn't be more excited to see them and lay on the beach in the 80 degree weather. Awesome.

My book/devotional has 30 entries now. Be looking for it in your inbox before March 9 (which is Ash Wednesday) this year, and the beginning of Lent. :)

Hugs and love to all.
b

waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

So, I'm sure that many of you are aware of my quickly approaching surgery date of 02/23. That being said, I think it's almost time to give up on that date, and pray that the next surgical date might be a bit more meaningful. I spoke with the doctor again today, and the insurance company has still not made a decision on my case. They've come back to the doctor twice since last Thursday, asking for more lab work. I'd had it done, so they were able to send that information on to the insurance company again. The ball is back in their court, as we WAIT for them to make another ruling.

People often ask what I fill my days with. It's hard to explain, usually. I feel busy. Even when I'm too exhausted to get off the couch, my days are full and emotionally, physically, and mentally consuming. What am I doing, you ask?

Waiting.

I'm waiting for healing to happen. I'm waiting for that medicine I just took to kick in, hoping that it will bring some relief. I'm waiting to see how long it will take that glass of milk, or the hot tea that I drank, or the peas I tried, or the cereal I just ate to come back up. I'm waiting to see if it will be hours from now, or just a couple of minutes. I'm waiting to hear from the doctors about what to do next. I'm waiting for the nurses to call me back and answer my questions about swollen fingers and protein imbalances, about constipation, abdominal pain, and vomiting. I'm waiting to hear if I should go to the ER of if the infusion therapy clinic will do the trick this time. I'm waiting for the insurance company to finally figure out that I'm sick enough to have surgery. I'm waiting to finally be healed. I'm waiting for a child. I'm waiting to see if the housing market will improve. I'm waiting to see if I'll ever be healthy enough to return to work. I'm waiting to plan trips, and think about going back to school, and thinking about even one week from now, because I'm just not sure how I'll be feeling, or if I'll have enough energy to do the thing that I planned. Mostly, I'm waiting to feel better. Any kind of better. I'm waiting for the day that I can wake up and not hurt anymore. Or at least, waiting for the day when I don't vomit all day long.

I guess that's what I'm doing.

I'm sorry this entry is a little depressing. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm feeling optimistic about the future and all that it holds. I just wish we could get on with it.

I also think that it's absurd that an insurance company has the right and/or ability to decide ANYTHING about patient care. Since when does some bureaucrat have the authority to make decisions about MY HEALTH?!? Don't get me started... Ugh.

no news, really

I wanted to write to let you know that there is nothing really new with us.

I went in last week for another blood draw, and have not heard any results from that yet. My phosphorous and BUN was checked with this blood draw. BUN tests the amount of nitrogen in your blood, and your urea can either filter it well or not. If the BUN is high or low, it's indicative of a problem in your kidneys, in my case, most likely due to dehydration. They also checked my phosphorous. Low levels mean dehydration. High levels mean kidney failure. I'm assuming they think that mine will be low on both accounts. I'm not sure what they found, nor have I heard any more news about the appeal with the insurance company. And, so we continue to wait.

I'm not feeling like I need to be rushed to the hospital regularly, so that is good. We've been trying to get up to go skiing/snowboarding once a week or so. Marcus and I are doing our best to start eating more healthy foods too. I'm trying to quit having "candy" as my main food group, and have gone back to yoga class after a two month break. Marcus is back to lifting weights, and I think it's safe to say that we're feeling a little better. I'm still puking all day, but now more nutrient dense foods. Hopefully that is good overall. :)

We're off to Whistler for the weekend with some friends. It should be lots of fun.

Thank you for all your prayers, love, emails, and cards. It's nice to know that so many are still praying 3 1/2 years later.

We treasure your words of encouragement, and pray along with you that this nightmarish journey will be over soon.

I'm loving Psalm 5:1-2 the last couple of days:
Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament.
Hear my cry for help, my King, and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning, I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.

I know He hears them all, and pray along with you that His answer comes quickly.
brelin

hanging in there.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally about everything today. We had put so much hope into this surgery quickly ending the physical pain that I've been enduring, but apparantly God had a different time table that He's working on.

Yesterday I was able to go skiing with our family (& friends, Jon & Tammy). I made it about 4 hours, which was awesome. It was super sunny, clear skies, and we got to see Mt. Rainier, Baker, Adams, & Stuart. It was gorgeous and lots of fun to get off the couch.

The other day I couldn't stay awake at all. I only managed to stay awake for about an hour at a time, so it was nice to be able to get out and feel okay for a couple of hours. I'm still not really sure if I'm fighting some kind of virus, or if I'm just worn out from life.

I'm going in for more bloodwork today, and my GI doctor is working with the medtronic staff (who make the gastric pacemaker device) to get going on my appeal process to the insurance company.

They have re-scheduled me for surgery on 2/23, pending insurance approval. And so we wait again, hoping that this is the door God is opening, and that THIS is the time that He has ordained for healing.

I'm holding on to these verses in James 1:2-5, 12. I hope they'll be a blessing to you as well...
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

another bump in the road

I just got off the phone with the insurance company.
They have denied my claim.
"It is not medically necessary for you to receive gastric stimulator because you are not showing enough signs of malnutrition. It has been reviewed by the nurse and the doctor at the insurance company."

The next step is for us to write a letter of appeal, and for my GI doctor to also write a letter of appeal, stating why it is important for me to receive this surgery.

To say that I am feeling frustrated and discouraged would be the understatement of the year.

And my cries go up...

...How long, O Lord, how long?

02/07/11

That is the date that is currently set for surgery. The insurance company has still not approved the procedure, but the doctors are hopeful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that we will be able to proceed with the surgery on that day.

On that date, the team of doctors will be placing a gastric neurostimulator, also called a gastric pacemaker. It seems that all things are coming together well for this to happen, and I am definitely looking forward to the surgery taking place.

The team of doctors will attempt to enter my belly laproscopically (with small incisions and a camera), but the surgeon doesn't think that he'll probably be able to complete the surgery that way, due to all of the scar tissue in my body. Scar tissue is often a bit like a spider's web, making it difficult to navigate through. It helps me to think of it like those scenes in Mission Impossible where they have those laser beam security systems and the bad guys are trying to steal the diamond. Just one wrong move, and the whole room erupts with noise as the alarm goes off. It's pretty similar to my guts--if they nick the scar tissue at all, things would be much worse--and infection could erupt throughout my abdomen. If they are not able to proceed laproscopically, the doctor will enter through the scar that I already have, and perhaps make it a little higher up, so that he can see my stomach really well to place the stimulator wires.

While they have me open, the surgeon is hoping to "take down" (aka: remove) scar tissue that might be causing problems throughout the belly. They are not going to make any incisions larger than they need to, but they also want to make sure that while I'm opened up that they don't miss anything important. There is also a chance that they will place another J-tube (like the one that I had in 07/08) so that I could do some tube feedings at night while I recover from surgery, and just as back-up in case I don't respond to the gastric pacemaker right away.

My pre-albumin levels are borderline low (normal is 20-40, and mine is 19). Pre-albumin measures your overall nutrition. They are planning to repeat my blood work closer to surgery, and then make the decision about whether or not I need the feeding tube placed again. If it is decided that I do need one, they will be able to place that at the same time as they are doing the other stuff. I'm praying that I don't need it, as it is very uncomfortable, and increases my risk of infection.

Please pray along with us:
1. That the surgery goes well, and that the surgeons will be wise, and their hands will be steady. We are praying that God will guide them directly to the things in my body that need to be fixed, and that He will use them in order to restore my body to full health.

2. That I will recover from surgery quickly and without incident--that there will be no complications, that I will get adequate rest in the hospital, that I will have a terrific care team with caring nurses and doctors, and tender-hearted, compassionate staff. We also pray that my pain will be managed effectively throughout my stay, and when I return home as well.

3. That this is the answer. On 02/07/11, it will have been 3 years and 5 months to the day since this horrific battle of daily puking has been raging on. But it has been 13 years since my story of abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting has been going on. Please pray that we can rejoice, and that my story might be one of miraculous healing and health restored completely.

4. Above all else, we pray that God's voice might be heard through my voice and that God's story might be seen in my story. We ask that God's faithfulness might be known throughout the world, and that many lives will be changed forever by the goodness of His love, and by the power of His mercy and grace.

We love you all, and covet your prayers. I'll be at Swedish Hospital for surgery, and my docs are Dr. Louie and Dr. Patterson if you'd like to pray for them specifically. I will be staying inpatient anywhere from 1-7 days depending on how quickly I recover from surgery, and what kind of things they end up doing while I'm in there. We welcome hugs, prayers, and visitors. We'll try to keep the blog updated as well.

Hugs,
b

poop- no longer taboo

In the land of gastrointestinal problems, lots of things are no longer disgusting to talk about during dinner--and daily, it just seems natural to update one's spouse and immediate family on the bowel movement of the day--or month.

Without further ado-do (ha!), I am pleased to report that I finally went to the bathroom. I finally went #2 for the third time in a month. My body is very crampy, and still feels incredibly full (I've had weight gain this month, but the docs have attributed it to not going.) To finally go, even a little, is so refreshing. Thank you all for praying when you received my slightly disparaging text message.

It seems that the insurance company has still not managed to get their act together and approve my surgery--so, we wait. I had my pre-op appointment last Wed, and the surgeon seems very nice. He's done this surgery before, so while it is new to Swedish Hospital, all parties in the operating room have had some experience. And so we wait. The docs are now hoping surgery can take place either 2/2 or 2/7, depending on the insurance company and when they make their decision.

I've had a little more energy the last couple of days, and got to go up skiing yesterday. This morning it's sunny, and so I went for a jog with Marcus. It's nice to not be curled up on the couch all day long. I've also been working on writing my devotional, and hope to have it ready to test drive for family members & close friends at Lent. I've gotten to see lots of friends lately, and have appreciated the grace that everyone extends to me as far as being flexible when I'm just not feeling good and have to bail at the last second.

I think that's all for today. Please continue to pray that the insurance company moves quickly on their "yes" decision, and that the surgeons will have great wisdom, and work with no complications during surgery. Please pray that my recovery will be complete, and my health totally restored. I'm pretty sure God can handle all that. :)

Sending hugs your way--
b

the update

Well, it seems that your prayers may be working. (FINALLY!!)

The doctors have gotten all their ducks in a row, and are currently working on bugging the insurance company until they say "yes" to the surgery. The hospital board approved the surgery, and I have a pre-op appointment on this coming Wednesday, and will hopefully go in for surgery on Jan. 24 or 25. (YAY!!)

Please pray that this surgery is the answer. Lately, I've been feeling a little anxiety about this procedure. Marcus and I are not worried that the surgery will go wrong, or that something might get worse, we're just concerned that I might not improve--leaving nothing to hope for. Please pray that we can trust God implicitly that THIS is the answer.

Pray for immediate healing, and the opportunity to see God's hand in and through this entire process.

I've been doing a bit better the last week...I've been able to get off the couch, and even went skiing one day with my nephew, Marcus, and his dad. We had a great time!!

Thank you for your love and support, and hold us tightly in prayer.
brelin

mini health update, and a little good news

Hi All,
This past week has been a good one for me in the grand scheme of things. THANK YOU for your faithfulness in prayer, as I have totally felt God's presence much greater, which has, in turn, given me the strength and hope that I needed to get out of my medical (& emotional) funk.

The past couple of days, I have had much better energy, and I even went SKIING yesterday with my nephew,Garrett; hot fireman husband, Marcus; and my father-in-law, Jim. We had so much fun, and my little nephew was kickin' butt on the mountain, doing an amazing job skiing. :)

I don't have much to report health-wise. My dizzy spells seem to be less frequent at the moment, which has been a welcome relief for me (and my family too. :)) I am not feeling like I need to have someone with me at all times for safety (phew). The vomiting continues, and my fluids are running a little low, but I feel like I've made it through the really "rough" patch for now.

The good news for the day: My surgery was approved by the hospital board! (praise God!), so now I'm just waiting on my insurance company to approve, and then we can get the gastric stimulator hooked up in my guts.

Please pray with me:
1. I'm going to be praying long and hard about getting another J-tube (feeding tube to my intestines) placed at the same time as the stimulator is put in. I absolutely HATED that tube, as it was painful to receive the tube feedings, and it was just uncomfortable to have sticking out of my body...mine ended up ripping out multiple times, but didn't come all the way out--just enough to hurt really bad. Please pray that God will make it completely clear to me about what I should do in this situation. Let Him know that I'd prefer to learn by someone just telling me, as opposed to making me sicker to help me figure it out. :)

2. That the insurance company says "yes" to the surgrey soon.

3. That I can continue to feel good enough to keep doing fun things (like shopping, skiing, yoga, and working on my devotional.)

4. That we can find a home church out here in Enumclaw to get connected and find some fun friends. (we are still loving living out here, but would also love to meet some friends that live close)

5. Also, please pray for our friends, Nancy and Kendyl. Both have cancer (kendyl-in the last phases of chemo, nancy-just beginning the process). Please pray for peace, rest, energy, minimal side effects and miraculous healing. :)

Thank you all for keeping up with me and my life. We covet your prayers, and I adore the encouraging notes that you send!! They really do perk me up. :)

Love.
brelin

specific prayers

Hi All,
It's been a rough 48 hours to say the least. I'm doing my best to manage my pain at home, as I REALLY don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I know my limits, and I'm currently teetering on the edge of needing to go.

My spirit is weak, my body is exhausted, but I'm doing my best to keep a rosy outlook on a situation that seems a bit hopeless at the moment. I told Marcus we should book a trip somewhere warm, so that I have something positive (and sunny) to look forward to. My mom has encouraged me to get back into my writing, as that will give me something to focus on instead of feeling like garbage all day.

I go see the doctor again this afternoon, and hopefully my lab work will show exactly what is amiss in my little body.

Here are the things that we are praying for specifically:
1. The hospital board at Swedish approves the gastric stimulator (pacemaker) surgery asap.
2. That my insurance company agrees to the surgery asap.
3. That my pain gets under control asap, and that I am able to maintain (or improve) my current level of health, so that I can avoid being admitted.

Thanks all,
b

a rough new year

I am exhausted.

Since my procedure on 12/23, it's been nothing but complications. I developed a "cord" in my right arm, which means that my vein is puffy, swollen, and bruised. My body is trying to heal it by sending little guys to eat at the clot, which is making it hurt worse...but all in the name of "healing" so that's good, I guess.

I've had to receive IV fluids twice (once on Friday, and again on Monday) because I've fainted/tripped/collapsed three times in the past week. I've managed to fall face-first all three times, landing on my right knee and left hand. Poor little knee is tired, and bruised... but hanging in there. No broken face, limbs, and otherwise safe and sound.

The problem with receiving the IV fluids, is that this past time (Monday) I've had some kind of reaction where my body is retaining all the fluids, and I've puffed up--my face, my fingers, my legs--all swollen and puffy.

I'm having trouble moving my bowels as well, and despite the use of laxatives, I'm still not going.

Oh yah, and my vomiting is no better.

Ugh.

Yesterday, I couldn't muster any strength, and didn't want to fight to go on.
This morning, however, God has granted me enough strength to keep fighting. I have been given the opportunity to live this day, and I'm going to do my best, seeking out joy in each moment, in spite of my stupid body.

I've spoken to the doc, we have each other on speed dial now, and I'm trusting that God is working through him to heal me. I've escaped admittance to the hospital so far, and I'm hoping that trend can continue throughout this new year.

Please pray that I de-puff, that I can go #2, that my veins are healed, that my vomiting stops completely, and that I have the courage and strength to return to full health. I know that God is capable of outright healing, please pray that my spirit is willing to receive it fully. And please pray that He's ready to do it.

I love you all, and happy new year!
b

I love CHRISTMAS!! and other medical updates.

I'll start off by saying that I am so blessed. These past couple of weeks have been a HUGE reminder to me about just how much GOD loves me, and how richly He has showered me with His grace. It is so easy for me to lose sight of the things that really matter when my world is consumed with vomiting and pain.

Despite all of the pain and yucky-ness that I experience in my physical body on a daily basis, this Christmas has been a wonderful time filled with laughter, love, and the amazing support that I feel from my family and friends. Each moment spent has been a breath of fresh air for me both spiritually and emotionally. I'm delighted to report that as we celebrated Jesus' birth, we have the privilege to look into the future and experience a profound sense of HOPE.

My ERCP went well on Wednesday, and I just had to spend one night in the hospital. My sleepover at the hospital had a couple of unfortunate mishaps with hives, veins collapsing, and IV sites rendered useless. But, I was able to make it through the procedure and the night (with 3 new IVs in 5 attempts.) I was thankful to have delightful nurses and and an excellent IV therapy team--it seems to make everything a little better when people are smiley at 3 in the morning.

The findings from the test: I had a significantly inflamed bile duct, due to adhesions (scar tissue.) There were no stones, and no sludge in the duct, the opening was simply too small because of the scar tissue strangling it off. Through the endoscope using an inflatable balloon and some kind of cutting implement, they were able to loosen the scar tissue which was strangling the bile duct, and also made an incision to increase the opening of the bile duct. I managed to avoid the complication of pancreatitis (yay!!), and got to go home on time. (double yay!)

Since then, we had 14 people over for Christmas dinner last night, and Marcus, mom, Sarah, and I pulled it off. The food was amazing, and the company was even better. It was so much fun to host my first official "family gathering"--so I went a little crazy; making place cards, and other festive table decorations. I even used festive cupcake flags with gingerbread men on top for the apple-stuffin' muffins. I know, I'm ridiculous. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm off to take another nap.
Sadly, I'm not feeling 80% better like the doctor had hoped, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm hoping that the lingering pain I'm experiencing is just from the procedure. I don't think that's really very likely, but I'm not positive. I go in for a follow-up appointment on Jan. 6.

Hugs to all.
b

oh, bile ducts

After much anticipation this past week, as I waited anxiously for the doctor's call, I finally received it last night.

The good news is that I don't have hepatitis or any other auto-immune diseases that he checked me for.

The bad news is that my bile duct is very inflamed, and this could be caused by a stone, or "sludge" that's built up in the duct. This is most likely the cause of my elevated liver enzymes and could possibly be causing my increased symptoms of late (like more nausea, vomiting, and abd. pain.)

The way that they fix this, as well as gather more information about the source of the problem is by performing an ERCP. I am including the actual name of the procedure, because I believe it's the largest word I've ever seen (except for floccinaucinihilipilification--which is a word that I learned to spell in order to avoid running 3 miles at soccer practice when my scientist coach gave us the challenge). Anyway, the actual name of the ERCP is...

Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography.

Exciting, huh?
If you'd like to read more about this procedure, here is a link:
http://digestive.niddk.gov/ddiseases/pubs/ercp

I'm calling the doctor this morning when they open, and will hopefully be able to schedule the procedure before Christmas.

I'm also trying desperately to get my Christmas cards out before then. :) I made cute home-made ones. Let's see if they make it to the post office.

Love and hugs,
brelin

oh, and one more thing.

I got a phone call from Dr. Patterson this morning. He left a message asking me to return his phone call. In my experience, it's not really a good sign when the doctor himself contacts you about your lab results... and I was right to be concerned.

The good news is that my potassium levels have gone back to normal. Normal is 3.5, and I have made it to 3.8. Phew. This is really good because potassium is directly related to your heart pumping correctly.

The bad news is that my liver enzymes that were elevated before have actually become more elevated. Normal for this test is 40, mine were 75 in the ER on 11/16, and now are 105. There are several potential causes for this: One, which makes the most sense, is malnutrition. Other options include: hepatitis, auto-immune diseases, nonalcoholic fatty liver, and obesity. I think it's safe to say that we can rule out obesity. :) Sorry, I had to make a joke. :)

Anyway, the way to figure out what's causing the problem is to do an ultrasound of my liver, and then draw more blood. The nurse-scheduler lady is going to call me tomorrow to let me know when my tests are.

Please pray that God will miraculously heal me before then--so that the elevated liver enzymes are just a thing of the past.

A picture of our awesome kitchen:

(before the Christmas fairy hit the kitchen)

Here is a picture of our living room/dining room before the decorating began...

I've included some pictures of our uber-decorated-we can't wait for Christmas-house.
Here is a photo of our enormous Christmas tree:
(please note the 11 strands of lights that Marcus used)

Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago, when we had a magnificent snow storm: This is our backyard:

I thought if I threw in some cheery photos at the end, it would counteract the lame news. This is the fireplace in our family room:

We love you, and as always, covet your prayers.
Hugs,
b

the doctor's report

I got in to see Dr. Patterson at Virginia Mason yesterday. One thing that I'm thankful for is really good, compassionate, thorough GI doctors. We had an hour long appointment discussing future surgery, abdominal pain, dehydration, and a host of other things.

1. Gastric Pacemaker Surgery- In his mind, the sooner I can get the surgery the better. He thinks that I'm going to be feeling much better with the device implanted, and he is hopeful that the insurance company won't fight too much about paying for it because I've already tried every other treatment option known to man. He is changing hospitals on Jan. 1, and will become the head of gastroenterology at Swedish. Swedish is about 3 blocks away Virginia Mason, so still very reasonable to commute to. Once there, he hopes to assist in the surgery there as soon as they can get it scheduled. (most likely in Jan. or Feb.) To begin the process, the team at Swedish has to get a pre-authorization for the surgery from my insurance company. He was going to speak to someone yesterday afternoon to begin that process.

2. Abdominal Pain- He encouraged me to remain on the fentanyl patch (a low-level narcotic) that basically takes the edge off of my pain, making life a little more tolerable. It doesn't make me dumber or have any other frustrating side effects, which I enjoy. He's also said that I can continue on vicodin until surgery. I'm trying not to take this very often, just because it makes everything a little foggy. He's also given me some more anti-nausea meds, nothing new--just ones that I've been on for several years now.

3. In addition to all of those things, one of his nurses will set up a standing order for me to receive fluids at a clinic in Issaquah. This is going to be terrific because I won't have to visit the ER when I'm dehydrated, and hopefully the additional fluids will help me get back on my feet a bit. He's hoping to avoid putting another picc line in (as am I), and we'll just wait and see how often I end up going in for fluids.

4. Blood work: While I was in the ER on 11/16, they had taken a blood draw and run a million tests on it. That day, my potassium levels were low, and my liver enzymes were almost twice the "normal" number. He asked if the ER had told me anything about that, and if they'd suggested any treatment options. I told them that the ER said my blood work was all normal...interesting. So, he had me go to the lab to have another sample drawn to compare. Hopefully my numbers will be better this time, as potassium is an electrolyte level that affects my heart.

5. I had a little bit of a rough experience with one of the lab techs there. When I went in, I told her that I had veins that look good, but really roll. And that sometimes once you get blood, it just decides to stop pumping, so that I end up getting stuck 5 times before they get all they need. She had me roll up my sleeves, and looked at both arms. I suggested that she use a butterfly needle, as that has a tendency to work better. She insisted that she didn't need to because my veins all looked really good. (I sat there, slightly frustrated, but tried to hold my tongue.) She took out several vials that she needed to fill, grabbed a normal "grown-ups sized" needle, and went for it. Interestingly enough, she was able to hit the vein right away, at the same time bragging to me about how "the other lab techs must've not known what they were doing, and had no business telling me that my veins were bad." And then...nothing. She got about 1/2 of the smallest vial filled, and then (surprise) my vein quit pumping. I wasn't sure if she'd even gotten enough to do the test, and was wondering if she'd stick with her original story about how amazing she was--or if she'd have to poke me again because she didn't listen to me. She opted to not say another word, bandaged my arm, and told me to have a nice day. Hmph.

Overall, I'm trying to be optimistic about the future. I'm still feeling bad (worse than normal), but it seems that my weight loss has leveled out for the moment. I've kept the same weight for several days in a row now. During my abdominal exam, Dr. P was concerned about impacted bowel in my ascending colon, as my belly was noticeably distended on the right side. He prescribed an over-the-counter laxative called magnesium citrate, which I am enjoying for breakfast this morning. I put a straw into the beverage to trick myself into believing that it tasted good. I'm pretending it's like a pomegranate margarita. It's a stretch, but it helps me to envision I'm laying on the beach in the warmth of the sun. :)

Thanks God, for imagination. :)

ugh with a side of funny

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'd love to report that things have turned around--but I'd be lying. :)

Things seem to continue to be rough. The latest good news is that I'm able to see my GI doctor about doing the gastric pacemaker surgery on Friday. I'm hoping to get this done ASAP--hoping that it will help me ward off the current downward trend. I have lost 8 lbs since the ER trip which was just two weeks ago. I don't have any more news on the ovarian cysts. My pain continues to be bad, but not excruciating--leading me to believe that they are either getting smaller, or else just not rupturing any longer. I'm supposed to have a follow-up ultrasound in about a month.

I'm planning to ask the GI doc on Friday if they can do a little "spring cleaning" in my abdomen while they are putting in the pacemaker. I'm hoping that they might be able to remove scar tissue, remove any large ovarian cysts and put in the the Gastric Pacer all at the same time. This might be wishful thinking on my part--I'll have to keep you posted.

And now, for a funny story from my life...

In our house in Enumclaw, we have a wood-burning fireplace in our family room. The other night, we had record low temperatures in our area, and I thought how nice it might be to have a fire going while we watched some movies.

**Please remember that I'm married to a firefighter as you read the rest of the story.**

I had purchased some presto logs, after having read about how they burn "cleaner" and are ultimately "better for the environment." Marcus read the directions carefully, and put the presto logs in the formation written on the package. He put two full presto logs next to each other, with a piece of kindling in the middle, and then placed one presto log broken into three pieces on top with a bit more kindling.

About an hour and a half later, and with much muttering from Marcus, the fire was still not burning. I thought I could help, but even my "I used to be a camp counselor and I can make a fire with just one match" skills could end the presto log lack of fire situation.

Marcus thought that it might help to douse one of the small presto logs with a bit of vodka. I thought that seemed like a reasonable idea--he returned with the drenched log, but it still wouldn't light. About 30 minutes later, in his infinite wisdom, he disappeared into the garage with one of the small pieces of presto log.

As he re-entered the house, he shouted, "Don't light any matches, I'm coming in with a gasoline-soaked presto log." Certain that he was going to light his facial hair or some part of me on fire, I ran into the living room, thinking the log might explode or something...Alas, even the gasoline-soaked stupid presto log would not stay lit. How can this be? Faulty product--perhaps.

Fortunately, we had purchased regular wood as well. I removed all presto log pieces, and started over with real wood. One match later, we had a fire burning bright.

In my infinite wisdom, I chucked a couple of presto logs onto the fire that was burning fabulously. About 5 minutes passed, and we had a roaring flame. It was burning so hot and so huge that it set off our upstairs smoke detector. Marcus blamed me for this.

All in all, we had some excellent laughs--and decided to never purchase presto logs again.

today

I've been hanging in there lately, not feeling so hot for the most part. I'm perhaps heading into the "winter slump"--which is a bit disconcerting to us. I've got a couple of phone calls in to two different GI docs, so hopefully we can get my spiraling out of control back under control before too much damage is done. My pain levels have been through the roof, and I'm just tired of fighting. It's frustrating and exhausting knowing that anything you eat might come back up in a second, and so I've been mostly just having liquids. That's a struggle too, because it's really hard to get enough calories in when you're just having liquids. Ugh.

Yesterday I got to go sledding with Garrett, Maya, & Caleb--it was super fun! I love living out here in Enumclaw, it's been such a great time so far. We're enjoying not living on a huge hill too, it's making our transportation situation much easier. We've gotten about a foot of snow here, the most in the area, and it is gorgeous everywhere you look.

I keep telling God that I'm pretty sure I've gotten the memo about ANY lesson that He might want me to learn...I understand that I cannot do anything on my own strength. I totally get that I rely on you for all things. I know that your promises are true and that you never give me more than I can handle...but I'm tired now, God. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of struggling to maintain minimal health. I want the pain to be over.

He has his arms wrapped tightly around me, and walks through each difficult moment with me. But at the moment, that doesn't feel like enough. I just want healing. I'm tired of messing around. Can you please hear our prayers?

good news/bad news

I went to the OBGYN at 10 am yesterday morning, and discussed the next steps with the doctor. Basically, she is hopeful tha the type of cysts I have will be reabsorbed. We set up an appointment for an ultrasound at 3 pm, so that we could get the images that she needed to watch the cysts closely.

Marcus and I decided to catch a movie between the two appointments. About mid-way through the movie, I rushed to the bathroom to vomit because of pain. After that, I came back to into the movie, and had already burst into tears...my pain was overwhelming, and I wanted to head to the ER.

Marcus took one look at me, and agreed that we should head to the ER. While I was there, they gave me a bunch of pain and nausea meds, and performed an ultrasound. They found something intersting...I still had 3 ovarian cysts, but they were a different 3 than they knew about the day before. It seems that one of the large ones had ruptured on my left side (leaving fluid and tissue), most likely causing the excruciating pain, and then I had 2 more cysts on my right. (one large one that they knew about before, and then one other small one.)

I'm doing a bit better today, still totally exhausted, but feeling a teensy bit better. I'm headed now for another nap.

Love and hugs,
b

ahh, car salesmen

Let me begin by saying that Marcus and I have been looking at cars for about 2 weeks now...We've been all over the map about what we want, and how much we're willing to pay for it. We are sharing ownership of a boat that was gifted to Jon & Tammy (Marcus' brother and sister-in-law), and needed to find a vehicle that could tow the weight of it. At that same time, if we were going to be purchasing an even more gas-guzzling car then we already owned, I told Marcus that we were going to have to sell the Jeep and buy a tiny car.

We embarked on a crazy journey of car-shopping, and finally ended up with exactly what we wanted, at the price that we wanted to pay. I actually got so angry yesterday that my lip began to quiver as I was scolding the stupid sales manager at the dealership. I usually reserve my yelling at Marcus, but this guy was ridiculous. He started off with an absurd bid on our trade ($9,000 lower than we ended up with), and was adamant that he couldn't come down on the price of his car (which he did.) By the time the guy was willing to make a deal, Marcus had already sent me to the car to cool off. We drove away, hoping that we could get that same vehicle at a different dealer that we'd had a positive experience with before. However, when we got there, that dealer was only willing to pay us $4000 less than we got at the other place for our trade. Ugh. We left that dealership, frustrated, and ready to yell again.

I practiced by deep breathing, promised Marcus that I would keep my mouth shut, took a phenergan so that I didn't throw up on anyone's desk, and went back to the stupid place where I'd yelled at the man for wasting our time. We signed all the papers, got the exact deal we wanted, and drove away in our shiny, new black Honda Civic. :) We're planning to drive the Jeep through the winter, and then sell in the spring when we find a big Tahoe or Sequoia or something that can tow the boat.

After all that, I want to report that my cold is almost all the way better now. My voice is still a little funny, but I'm not running a fever anymore. I cough a bit here and there, but am feeling much better on that front. My abdominal/pelvic pain is still hanging in there, but I think that the cysts might be resolving on their own. My pain is not as acute as it was, so I'm hoping that I'll get good news today at the doctor.

I'll try to post again this evening or early tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, and what I've found out.

On another note, I want to ask for prayers for the family and friends of Josh Baker. He was a firefighter for Renton who was killed in a car accident on Saturday night, leaving his wife and children behind. Marcus had just worked with him 2 days before, and is having a hard time believing he is really gone. Please keep the City of Renton Fire Department in your prayers, especially holding up his wife and children as they walk through this sudden and difficult loss.

Hugs,
brelin

still not so hot.

While my cold/flu symptoms seem to be progressing/resolving, it seems that I have a new source of abdominal pain--huge ovarian cysts. My nausea and vomiting have increased in frequency and intensity due to my high pain levels, as well as my flu-like symptoms. I have one ovarian cyst on my left side that is roughly 8 cm total (3.2 inches) and another on my right side that is about 4 cm. No one really knows why they form (or get so big) and are also unsure of why or when they decide to dissipate on their own.

I am hopeful that things will resolve on their own, preferably without surgical intervention... :) I am doing my best to be optimistic about the future. It was sort of nice to know that my abd. pain was within reason, and due to a new symptom that can be treated. Of course, at the doctor's office they have to paint the "worst case scenario" picture. I learned that there is a chance that the cyst would weigh down my ovary, cut off blood supply to it, and basically torque it off--completely disconnecting it. Hence, the doctor warned that I need to be sure to pay attention to my pain, and make sure to hit up the ER if things get really bad. Ugh.

I think that is all. We are still really enjoying our rental house in Enumclaw. The pace of life seems worlds apart from Sammamish, and it really is a breath of fresh air for us. It has been great to get outside for walks in the sunshine this fall--watching the beautiful leaves change in our neighborhood, enjoying and relishing the beauty of creation.

And so we move forward, desperately praying for no surgery, and that I might keep up my health. I have lost a couple of pounds in the last few days, which I think is because of my cold/flu. We trust that God's got this under control, as always. We're just hoping to wake up to a little less excitement sometime. Or, at least excitement of a different kind.

Thanks for your prayers and love.
b

ugh.

I just wanted to make a quick post to ask for extra prayers today. I am doing much worse than normal, as I have gotten a cold/flu bug. My head, throat, and sinuses are killing me...and my nausea and vomiting have increased so that I'm not even keeping fluids down. It is exhausting.

My color is a beautiful shade of green, and Marcus lovingly reminds me that I look like "death warmed over, but not even really warm." I'm running a fever too, and feel like garbage.

Please pray that this bug passes quickly, and that I start keeping fluids down so that I can avoid a trip to the ER.

Thanks.
b

alright God, I'm on it.

For a long time now, I have heard that my blog is inspiring to people and that I really should consider writing a book about my experiences. That being said, I didn't have the confidence or the energy to tackle a project that seemed so enormous. I told people that I didn't want to share my story until there is a happy ending.

I was talking with my friend and former colleague, Pr. John, and he suggested that I just start writing. He suggested calling it, "In the Meantime," which I loved immediately. I don't want to feel like I'm spinning my wheels waiting for my happy ending, and so I decided to put pen to paper and embark on this journey.

I decided to start with a devotional for Lent, and perhaps later down the road work on a memoir...

As I have already mentioned, Marcus and I moved to Enumclaw recently. I love our new home, as it is close enough to walk to the downtown area. Marcus was working the other day, and I'd received a coupon in the mail for a free pumpkin spice latte. The sun was shining, so I ventured out with my writing materials in hand to get my free latte, and get some work done on my new project.

I arrived at the Christian book store, and as the man was making my coffee, he asked, "What brings you in today?" I answered that I was working on writing a devotional. He smiled and said, "That's amazing! Congratulations! What is it about?" I told him what my plan was, and then he said, "I only work part-time here. I also work for a publishing company. Here is a flyer on how to get your book published once you are ready. Also, there is a Christian writing community that meets once a month in Bothell. I'll give you that information too!"

And so I walked out with my pumpkin spice latte in hand, amazed by this man, and the way that God worked out that whole situation just so that I could be encouraged about my book-writing beginnings. I'm not sure why I am still amazed when God is so blatant with the reminders of encouragement and love...but I still stand back in awe of just how much He loves me and is willing to speak directly to my heart. And in case I'm not listening all the way, he sends people into my life to remind me what He is all about.

And so the writing of my book continues... :)

When I meet new people, I am often asked, "What do you do?" Most of the time, I feel like answering, "I puke full-time." However, this last time I was asked, I boldly answered, "I'm working on a book."

Please pray for me in the new, and exciting endeavor...And as always, I ask for continued prayers for healing. I continue vomiting daily, and lately have been struggling with dizziness too. Hugs and love to all.
brelin

steve-o

Steve-O.

The man, the myth, the legend.

I have learned a lot of things from all of my parents, but I thought since it was his birthday today, I would write a little bit about the one we know and love.

"Pops"--as I affectionately refer to him, is quite a guy. He is loyal, fun, and secretly a giant ball of mushy love once you get through his sarcastic bite. He has grown to be one of my favorite people in the world.

He's not my "real" dad, as I used to remind him when I was younger (and much snottier), but he loves me like I am his own. Granted, we don't talk about such things--but I know by the way he checks my blog daily, slyly snuck me a cash spot when I was in college, didn't tattle on me to mom about my gallivanting, and by the times that he has sat by my bedside all night long in the hospital the many times that I have been so ill.

He jokes about me being "someone else's problem"--like Marcus' mainly-- but I know we can count on him if we ever needed anything.

He has "lethal knees", especially with the help of several beers, and can terrorize anyone on the dance floor. The image of him circling and swaying at every family wedding reception is quite a sight to behold. It is one that will be permanently ingrained in all of our memories.

I tell him that the root of my digestive problems stems from the "ice cream incident" when I was 5 and my double-decker cone fell into the parking lot. Steve-o told me to stop crying as he dusted the gravel off my ice cream and returned it to my cone. But really, we both know it was because my mom's floors were too clean and I wasn't exposed to enough germs as a child. :)

I love you, Pops. Happy Birthday!

i made it.

I just wanted to post quickly that my oral surgery went really well. I'm doing better today, mostly off of my pain meds--and my mouth isn't hurting much at all. They somehow managed to do the surgery without needing to stitch me up--so there was nothing to rip out when I puked.

I made it through the whole first day of surgery without vomiting--and have since started again, but nothing in my mouth is bleeding, so I'm taking that to be a good sign. The oral surgeon told me to call if there are any problems...and there don't seem to be any, so I'm in the clear. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm resting up for the big weekend--Halloween parties and such...it should be lots of fun!!

b

resilient

The word that I've been hearing a lot lately is "resilient." I've heard it in many different contexts, but the message is the same...When I am faced with challenging situations, it can sometimes feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest, stomped on, and then returned to my body--only to be left in a puddle on the floor, exhausted, rejected, and feeling not a bit resilient.

At some point along that journey, God shows up and provides grace. He breathes new life into my scarred body, He injects hope into a situation that seems hopeless, and He whispers gently in my ear, "Be resilient, my child. You can make it! You can keep going; you have the strength to make it through this in MY power."

And so we continue on our in changed lives, walking through times that are filled with sorrow--but equally filled with joy and promises of a brighter future. We walk through the valley, but realize that the sun is shining just around the bend...and so we listen closely to God's guiding, trusting that His plan has brought us this far and won't leave us hanging out to dry on our own.

When the world looks in at this whole journey, they see the person in crisis and call them resilient. I'm not sure if resilient is the right word, because I think it's important to recognize that my strength is not my own. I can't live a day without God and the hope that He provides. I can't imagine a life without knowing there is something after this suffering...something so much bigger and so much better than I can even begin to comprehend.

And so we trust. We look to Psalm 62, and see that we are not alone in this difficult journey. We can take comfort in His promises to us:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

the 'claw

Marcus and I have made the move into our new house officially. We finished cleaning and painting at the condo in Sammamish on Thursday night, went out to dinner with some good friends, and then have been unpacking and cleaning at our new place in Enumclaw ever since.

We are enjoying our time out in the boonies so far, and are definitely excited to be done unpacking/cleaning/arranging. I feel like the end is in sight--so I just need to stay the course, and hopefully finish sometime before my mom arrives on Thursday.

So far, there is nothing phenomenal to report about my health. I have noticed that I'm vomiting less, but am not sure if that's because we're in Enumclaw, or simply because I'm ingesting less each day. I'll keep you posted on that one.

Beyond that, I have oral surgery to have my wisdom tooth removed on 10/26. I can't believe that:
1) I have a wisdom tooth that just came in and,
2) That I have to have oral surgery. Ugh.

The good news is that I spoke with the oral surgeon didn't seem too worried about me vomiting right after surgery... saying that even if I rip out my stitches right away when puking, he thought everything would be fine because of the size and location of the tooth. My GI doc suggested IV anti-nausea meds during surgery, and told us to keep him posted on how it goes.

One of my favorite parts of living in Enumclaw is that we are super close to our family. We got to go "boo-ing" last night with our nieces and nephews. It was basically like ding, dong, ditch--only you drop off treat bags with a poem. It was adorable watching the kids hit the deck everytime a car drove by--they'd dive face-first into the grass. It was awesome--full of joy and giggling. :)

I'm looking forward to this new adventure that Enumclaw is for us. I pray that God blesses my health while we're out here, and that we'll see a miraculous healing take place any second. :) I trust that God's plan will continue to be revealed to us, as we embark on this new town and these many new adventures. We're excited to see how God will use us in this new community too, and we're ready to learn from the people here as well.

Super duper blessings to all!! And if anyone wants to clean something, come on over... I've got a project for you! :)

Brelin

the big move

The past couple of weeks have gone surprisingly fast...we have enjoyed time together with family, celebrated the lives of loved ones lost (my uncle, Mike, and my grandma, Sarah), partied it up at my brother & Alyssa's wedding, and made it out alive.

Our biggest news is that we are moving to a house in Enumclaw. We've decided to rent out our condo for a year, and rent a house in Enumclaw to see if we like it out there. We'll be closer to our nieces and nephews--which will be great, and we'll get to be in a house!! We make the big move on Saturday! We're looking forward to starting fresh, and we're praying that I may just be allergic to something in our condo--and that just by moving, I'll stop vomiting. That's our prayer anyway.

Other big news is that in the midst of this busy time, I have developed a problem with my tooth. A wisdom tooth, to be exact, that didn't grow in until I turned 30. While "normal" people get their wisdom teeth, and have them removed in high school or right after high school: clearly, my teeth are late bloomers. I went to the dentist, thinking I had a cavity or something, only to find that it's my wisdom tooth--and it needs to be removed pronto. I go see the oral surgeon on October 14. While my initial response to this news was, "why me, Lord? why something else to deal with?"--I've decided to approach the situation with laughter, and do my best to make some wise-cracks (ha ha!) along the way. The main problem with the wisdom tooth (besides that it really hurts to chew) is that every time I throw up, it feels like my tooth and, in turn, my head are going to explode. Ugh.

I'm not sure if there's much other news to share. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery, making new friends, and hoping for a brighter future full of health and life. :)

Oh, and a funny story to leave you with... It is not news that I puke into ziplock baggies. Recently, I was visiting my parents, and there were people occupying both bathrooms when the urge to vomit struck. Fortunately, I had grabbed a baggie "just in case". I'm running from bathroom to bathroom, baggie in hand, hoping that someone will come out in time. When I realize that I just can't hold it all in a second longer, I burst into the garage and attempt to "hide" between the cars--silently frustrated with my father who never closes the garage door--trying to puke into the tiny baggie I'd brought out, with all the neighbors in plain sight. Meanwhile, my brother and his new wife are out on the street checking out a family friend's new truck. While still silently cursing my father about the open garage, I try to slyly dispose of my puke-filled baggie--while smiling and waving with the other hand to the family friends. I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to hind my baggies of vomit anywhere, and there is no need for my parents to ever close the garage door again. (Well, except for when they are sleeping--for safety, of course.)

Grandma Sarah left us with her confirmation verse, which she could still say in German:
"Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelation 21:10b

Thanks for your inspiration, Grandma, and for the way that you lived your life, free of sickness and death until your last days. I pray that I too can be an example to others, and live my life with my sights set on things that glorify God--rather than the mundane tasks that are so easy to fill our lives with. I hope that I can remain faithful and receive the crown of life too.

1115 days

Well, actually today is the 1116th day of puking. In a row. That is a lot of vomit. People who have the flu or food poisoning more than 3 days feel like they're going to die. And I've been throwing up now for one thousand one hundred and sixteen days.

wow.

Someone asked me to share my faith story for the confirmation students this year. I'm not really sure why that caught me off guard--but it did. I'm never really sure what to say. In many ways, my faith story remains the same. I am flaky, God is constant. I am trusting, God remains faithful and constant. I start to waiver and lose hope, God pulls me closer to His heart, lovingly guides me and remains constant.

Ultimately, that's the beauty of the Lord...His love is unchanged, unwavering, and completely unaffected by our stupid human-ness.

My little grandma Sarah died last Thursday, and I can't help but think of her sitting at God's side, chatting right into His ear, "Now Jesus, since I've got your full attention, let me talk to you about my Brelin..."

1.11.19-09.23.10

Grandma always had time to play. She used to take care of me when I was little, and no matter what she might have been in the middle of--she could always make time for a visit. I remember being at her house when I was 4 or so, and I would push my little yellow shopping cart up and down her hallways purchasing the "goodies" that she'd saved for me...empty milk cartons, cans of soup, and containers of oatmeal.

In that same hallway, we'd do our morning exercises. This mostly consisted of jumping jacks, touching our toes, and lots of laughter. We'd throw some dance moves in too, and I'd try to impress her while I somersaulted my toddler chubbiness down the hall. She'd tell me how I was so talented, and smother me with hugs and kisses.

She was also famous for her baking...I've been standing on a chair by her side for as long as I can remember "helping" her and learning from her. Mind you, I use the term "helping" very loosely. Just in the last year, I was finally able to master Grandma's infamous pumpkin roll (on my second try.) She coached me over the phone as I was trying to make the dish at my house in Seattle. I finally finished it with her help. I brought it over for Christmas dinner, and she pronounced it excellent. It was the biggest and best compliment I could receive.

Her faith was remarkable. It was real, and deep--unwavering, and she held Jesus close to her heart. During WWII, all in one week her family received notice that three of her brothers were MIA in Europe. Even then, in the midst of fear and faced with a profound sense of loss, she clung tightly to her faith. She worshipped regularly, was always praying for her family, and studied her bible in church and at the hall. I used to come to Bible study with her, and this would result in great conversations after. We'd talk and laugh about just how much God loves us.

Grandma had an adventurous spirit, and went after life with spunk and zest. She loved to play games with her friends, sharing in their lives with laughter and joy. She always had a kind word for others, and was a tremendously hard-worker. She was quiet about her wild stories though, and we didn't realize just how much fun she'd had until we were going through her photos with her. :)

She was a fantastic seamstress, making me beautiful homecoming and prom dresses. She hemmed my wedding dress for me, and would always dote on me through each project, making sure each seam was perfect regardless of how much sleep she lost or how many times she had to re-do it.

She was a devoted wife, a loving mother, and the best grandmother anyone could ever hope for. I love you, Grandma. Say hi to Jesus for me, and put in a good word for us up there.

slippery elm

When someone says the word, "gruel" I conjure images in my mind of a slightly emaciated green-tinged woman with a wart on her nose, hovering over large black cauldron simmering on an open flame. She is stirring her concoction with a dilapidated broom handle. Obviously, this word, "gruel" does not send me running to the kitchen to enjoy a second batch associated with that word.

I went to the naturopath this past week. He had some interesting things to say and try. This is my third naturopath, and this one seems much more scientifically rooted, especially compared to the last one who made me wear green glasses, and listen to his assistant play the tone of 'G' on a tuning fork while we discussed my deeply-rooted issues with my mother. (Clearly a story for another day, and side note: I love my mother and have no issues with her. I insisted this was true, and the doctor kept asking--"well, what is causing your vomiting then?" I said, "that's why I'm here." ugh.)

Anyway, this new naturopath seems much more medically valid, and prescribed several different vitamins and supplements to try. One of these includes one cup of a "gruel of slippery elm." First imagine something the texture of mucus and/or slug slime, then imagine an entire cup full of this hideous substance served cold. Finally, imagine that it tastes like you hacked off a chunk of tree bark from your front yard, ground it up, started gnawing on it, and then it became the texture of snot. Sound delicious? Yah, it wasn't really.

I do enjoy a few cups of ginger tea a day. They don't seem to be helping my nausea, but I don't mind the flavor. Everything is better than slippery elm. :)

I go back for a follow-up appointment next week, and then also have an appointment with Dr. Patterson to learn more about the gastric pacemaker. My weight is up, and I seem to doing well. I'm back to exercising--still puking all day long, but holding weight okay.

We're looking forward to Andy & Alyssa's wedding this coming weekend. (I can't believe my little brother is old enough to get married!!)

Hugs to all,
brelin

my current musings

There are a lot of things that I'd never really considered before I was sick. Either it was because I didn't have time, or perhaps because they weren't really worth considering. Regardless, I have already wasted my time thinking about them, so I thought I'd throw them onto the blog. Here are a sampling of the things I've learned (in no particularly useful order.)

Here goes nothing.

1. Jamba Juice. They have a secret menu that includes flavors like pink starburst, and white gummy bear. You can order them just by asking, and they are delicious.
2. You can substitute 1 cup of milk with 1 tsp. lemon juice for 1 c. of buttermilk in recipes. I'm not sure why I didn't know this before, but now I do.
3. Something to think on: why don't more rich people smoke?
4. How did the corn dog get its name?

I think that's enough things for you to ponder for today.
This past week was full of fun. We went to the Evergreen State Fair in Monroe, hence the corn dog and smoking questions. We also went to watch the Seattle Sounders play soccer. It was super fun!!

I got to see my friend, Tami, and her daughter, Evan. We made baby food.
Marcus and I picked blueberries in North Bend with Jim & Carol, and then went out to lunch with them.
We also played tennis, and took naps.

Coming up this week, we've got some wild adventures ahead...
Tomorrow morning I go see a new doctor, a different naturopath who also specializes in gastroenterology and botany. Sounds interesting, eh?

And, then in the afternoon, we're off to an ob/gyn for an annual appointment. I won't delve into the details of the "annual appointment", but let's just say I'm not really looking forward to it.

On Friday, Sarah(my sister) and Sarah (her friend) arrive and we'll be playing all weekend in Seattle. Then we'll enjoy a Dave Matthews concert in the Gorge, before they fly back to the east coast. It should be wild time.