waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

So, I'm sure that many of you are aware of my quickly approaching surgery date of 02/23. That being said, I think it's almost time to give up on that date, and pray that the next surgical date might be a bit more meaningful. I spoke with the doctor again today, and the insurance company has still not made a decision on my case. They've come back to the doctor twice since last Thursday, asking for more lab work. I'd had it done, so they were able to send that information on to the insurance company again. The ball is back in their court, as we WAIT for them to make another ruling.

People often ask what I fill my days with. It's hard to explain, usually. I feel busy. Even when I'm too exhausted to get off the couch, my days are full and emotionally, physically, and mentally consuming. What am I doing, you ask?

Waiting.

I'm waiting for healing to happen. I'm waiting for that medicine I just took to kick in, hoping that it will bring some relief. I'm waiting to see how long it will take that glass of milk, or the hot tea that I drank, or the peas I tried, or the cereal I just ate to come back up. I'm waiting to see if it will be hours from now, or just a couple of minutes. I'm waiting to hear from the doctors about what to do next. I'm waiting for the nurses to call me back and answer my questions about swollen fingers and protein imbalances, about constipation, abdominal pain, and vomiting. I'm waiting to hear if I should go to the ER of if the infusion therapy clinic will do the trick this time. I'm waiting for the insurance company to finally figure out that I'm sick enough to have surgery. I'm waiting to finally be healed. I'm waiting for a child. I'm waiting to see if the housing market will improve. I'm waiting to see if I'll ever be healthy enough to return to work. I'm waiting to plan trips, and think about going back to school, and thinking about even one week from now, because I'm just not sure how I'll be feeling, or if I'll have enough energy to do the thing that I planned. Mostly, I'm waiting to feel better. Any kind of better. I'm waiting for the day that I can wake up and not hurt anymore. Or at least, waiting for the day when I don't vomit all day long.

I guess that's what I'm doing.

I'm sorry this entry is a little depressing. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm feeling optimistic about the future and all that it holds. I just wish we could get on with it.

I also think that it's absurd that an insurance company has the right and/or ability to decide ANYTHING about patient care. Since when does some bureaucrat have the authority to make decisions about MY HEALTH?!? Don't get me started... Ugh.