i can't believe it's almost december!!

We went and got our Christmas tree yesterday!! it was really cold outside, but we have had lots of fun decorating, and singing Christmas songs all over the house!

I've been in a better space lately, since the last melt-down which I wrote about last time. It seems like the vomiting episodes are slightly less frequent, and less horrible too ( I think.)

I don't really have much to say... we are still waiting for the new medications to arrive (via the drug study.)

Hugs to you all!
brelin

somtimes i get mad...

Lately I've been talking about how God gives me enough strength to last through each day. It's true, mostly He does... but sometimes it seems like He forgets... I know in my brain and my heart that God never leaves me alone, and that He is constantly surrounding me with people who love me, and others who care for me.

But sometimes, I just get frustrated and angry that things aren't better yet. I want to go back to playing outside, and goofing off with middle school kids at church, and playing soccer, and drinking water without having to run to the bathroom to throw up. I had a little break-down yesterday. Most of the day was a lot of fun, we had some friends over, we got out to go for a walk, and then in the evening I was trying to make an Italian Soda for Marcus and the club soda bottle exploded all over me, the floor, the wall, and the kitchen counter. Normally, I would have just laughed.

I don't feel normal these days, so instead, I burst into tears and questioned what God wants us to learn from this... or if somehow He's checking to make sure we really believe. I don't think God really wants those things from me & Marcus at all. I think that God wants us to count on Him for everything... even the things that seem insignificant--like opening the club soda.

I can't imagine being sick without God. God can handle my anger, my frustrations, my tears, my laughter, my joy... and whatever other emotions I want to feel. God will remain loving, patient, and compassionate, surrounding me with His loving arms, and with as much grace that I need.

and more than anything else, I need God who can handle me just as I am.
brelin

fun adventures of brelin's life...

thanksgiving day

This Thanksgiving Day has really allowed me to ponder what I'm really thankful for. Normally, I am ready to feast on delicious foods that only come all together once a year. Imagine totally removing the food, and thinking about Thanksgiving Day... For some, the joy comes from all of the football games, from the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, or from just the idea of another piece of pumpkin pie.

This year, I'm thankful that I am alive. I'm thankful that I have so many people surrounding me in prayer, and encouraging me when I'm feeling down.

I'm thankful that I can spend time with family, praising God together with them for the gifts that we've been blessed with.

I'm thankful for a warm home to wake up in, a fabulous husband to love me and care for me, a wonderful church to be a part of, and the opportunity to share God's love with students & families in Sammamish and all over.

I'm thankful for all of you, and for the many ways that you continue to bless our lives together. Thank you Jesus, for all of your love today and always.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
brelin

p.s. As for the medical update... all remains virtually the same. I remain on IV fluids at home, I am still vomiting 20-40 times a day. My weight had been stable for quite a while, but recently I have dropped a couple more pounds. I am currently on about 10-12 medications per day, and none of them seem to be working. God provides me with enough strength to last each day, and with a heart of joy and thankfulness for everyday I am at home. Marcus is completely better from his shingles, and we are doing our best to have fun together!! :)

nothing?

Yesterday my mom took me into the hospital in Lynnwood. Marcus is no longer contagious with his shingles--so headed back to work yesterday!! (praise God for his healing!!

We went to Stevens Hospital in Edmonds, as this is where my most recent doctor is found. His name is Dr. Schneier, and he has not yet given up on me. I like him. He went in to give me botox while I was having an upper endoscopy. While he was in there, I believe he was hoping to find that my pylorus was squeezed tightly shut, and the shot of botox would free me from this incessant vomiting. Alas, my pylorus was wide open.

While he was in there, however, he observed nothing. My intestines did absolutely nothing during the whole procedure. They didn't move, they didn't contract, they didn't do anything... He thinks that my stomach is not emptying, causing inflammation and irritation in my stomach from the bile build-up, and then once my stomach does move a little, then my intestines aren't doing anything either--and he thinks that my intestines may also be infected, which is causing the lower abdominal pain. The upper abdominal pain is most likely caused by my stomach and upper intestines not doing anything.

The only way to fix all of this is to get my stomach to empty and to get my intestines to contract. However, none of the drugs that exist in the whole world are making either one do anything. So I just keep vomiting.

I started the enrollment papers for the drug study, propulsid. The enrollment process takes about a month, and we're praying that they will accept me into the program.

We would love prayers for encouragement. My vomiting has become worse again, and even clear liquids are a struggle. I remain on the IV fluids at home, which seems to be helping.

Thank you for all of your love and support. We really appreciate all of you. :)

brelin

grace

I'm sorry for not updating the blog more often... it's frustrating having to write, "I'm still not any better than I was in September." Last night was particularly rough for me--the vomiting was horrific, and I almost passed out in the middle of it all. Marcus caught me in time, and set me down on the floor safely while putting my legs up in the air to get more blood to my head. We put in an extra IV bag yesterday for good measure. Today I am feeling a bit better, but still having a lot of abdominal pain. He gave me more pain medicine yesterday night, which helped me go to sleep (yay!) My stomach acid is burning the past couple of days when I wake up--which is causing a lot more nausea and pain. (yuck)

All in all, I think it's safe to say that Marcus and I are both exhausted. Marcus' shingles are getting a bit better, they are starting to crust over, which means that he's not contagious anymore. (yay Marcus) but they are still hurting him a bit. I think he's hoping to go back to work on Friday.

We are learning how to have a grace-filled marriage. In the midst of the pain, the frustration, the anger, and the exhaustion, we are leaning on God's love--counting on it to get us through this time. It has not been easy, but we trust that God is surrounding us--He is in and through each conversation, each moment of joy, and He continues to hold us in our sorrow as well.

brelin

a fresh perspective...

I've been trying to think of a funny title to capture the day that we've had today... Let me just begin by saying that God seriously must have a sense of humor. A couple of days ago, Marcus came home from the fire station and showed me an interesting looking red sore on his shoulder. I thought it looked like a bug bite or something so we didn't really worry about it. Anyway, we found out today that Marcus has shingles. I keep teasing him, saying that he is just trying to steal my thunder... It's pretty comical--apparantly the Brelin/Marcus team should be benched. :)

The good news is that I have no sign of this disgusting virus, but please pray for Marcus and a speedy recovery--shingles is pretty painful (so I hear).

I went to see a new doctor today. It was sort of a long appt... and seemed pretty positive. He's trying me out on 3 different medications (one for dizziness, one to coat my stomach, and a pain patch) beginning tomorrow. He said that if this is going to help, I should know by Monday or Tuesday. Then next Friday morning, I will be having another upper endoscopy, and he plans to inject my pylorus with botox. This procedure is relatively safe, with no real long term risk--so we're going for it. After we exhaust all of these new options, he said that he'd be happy to begin the paperwork nightmare to get enrolled in the drug study.

I have another appt for acupuncture tomorrow... I'm hoping it will keep my pain at bay at least for a few hours...

Keep those prayers coming!! Specifically for Marcus' speedy recovery, for any or all of these different medications to help the nausea and vomiting, and that I stay shingle-free.

Hugs!
brelin

another new day...

Yesterday was pretty rough... I tried to go on a pretty long walk in the morning, and then later in the afternoon I started vomiting every 15 minutes or so for about 3 hours. It was miserable. My mother-in-law, Carol, came for another sleepover and took care of me in the evening. It's nice to have someone around when Marcus is working!! Thanks Carol!!

The docs told me that I should probably be admitted to the hospital again, but I REALLY don't want to go. They can't really do anything except hook me up to an IV and get more pain meds, but I just can't bring myself to check in. So for now, I'm trying to hold off until I see the new doc tomorrow.

I have a new appointment on Friday(tomorrow) with the doctor that I was supposed to see on nov. 19th. I called and told them my sob story, and they said they'd squeeze me in tomorrow. (this is the doc that has the experimental drug study--propulsid) I'm hoping that there aren't too many hoops to jump through--please pray that the pharmaceutical company agrees to allow me into the study... and that this whole process goes quickly so that I can get onto the meds ASAP.

My mom is coming to visit again this weekend!! I'm really excited to see her!

For all of you church kids that are reading this--I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH!! I hope you have lots of fun on the retreat this weekend! :)

I keep praying for enough strength and joy to last through the day. Thank you all for your prayers.
brelin

playing with my food

i don't really have much to report today. i'm still puking a lot. i've been trying to exercise more... i walked 3 miles the other day, and then did a little dance jamming in my living room yesterday. today i'm going to try out the elliptical machine under marcus' strict supervision.
i keep thinking that maybe the exercise will awaken my intestines and help them remember to work, but it hasn't worked out that way so far.

i tried going back on clear liquids on sunday, but that didn't help either, so i'm back to throwing up toast and applesauce. (and anything else i might try) my weight is staying pretty consistent, which is good.

i'm still on iv fluids everyday.
i guess that's all the news.
hugs,
brelin

the wonderful world of needles...?

I went to the acupuncture doctor today. It was really bizarre, but pretty cool. There was a warm heater lamp, and just a few needles (smaller than sewing needles--they're really thin) She put a couple in my stomach, one in my large intestine, two in my wrists, in my legs, and in the top of my head. I felt my intestines move while I laid there on the table, and heard audible bowel sounds for the first time in weeks.

I came home and fell asleep for a while, then tested out the nausea with some cream of wheat cereal--which sometimes stays down. unfortunately it all came back up with a cup of tea. shoot.

I have 12 acupuncture visits covered by insurance per calendar year, so I will be utilizing them for 2007. :) I see her again next Saturday.

Marcus and I continue to laugh each day as we struggle through this adventure together. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and thankful for all of the strength that God provides us for each new day.

brelin

acupuncture

i have an appt. with an acupuncturist today. i will be sure to fill you in to let you know how it goes!!
brelin

i'm running out of cool titles...

This week has been really fun so far... I've gotten out of the house a lot more, and just carry my trusty ziplock bags for vomiting everywhere I go.

Yesterday was delightful... in the morning, I got to see the Toddler Time kids at church... They trick-or-treated in the fellowship hall... there were tigers, skunks, firefighters, and a host of princesses. They were super cute.

I've been walking more often, and am hoping that the little bits of exercise are helping motivate my intestines to work. The medications don't seem to be doing anything at all, but I continue to take them.

I continue to vomit more than 10 times a day, usually with multiple bouts 2-4 hours after I eat or drink something.

We really appreciate all of your prayers, cards, and hugs...
brelin