brelin's medical adventures

Marcus is doing a Firefighter Stair Climb for Cancer

2012-02-14T11:45:00.001-08:00

Hi Friends and Family!

I will be participating in the annual Firefighter Stairclimb on March 11th. Please support me with a donation. Our efforts this year will help make a big difference in the fight against all types of blood cancers.

This year I will be climbing in honor of our good friend, Kendyl Price. She has been battling leukemia for the past 2 years, and is just 4 years old now. She is such a fighter and her life continues to be an inspiration to me and so many others. We're hoping that by raising tons of money, kids like Kendyl won't have to fight such difficult battles.

I have included some information below about what the Firefighter Stair Climb entails as well as information about the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society--which is the organization that benefits from the funds raised.

Thank you in advance for your generosity!
Marcus Rismiller

What is the Firefighter Stair Climb? It is a timed race to the top of the Columbia Tower, Seattle's tallest skyscraper. Each firefighter must be dressed in full combat gear and SCBA (about 50 lbs of gear total) as they ascend the tower's 69 flights of stairs. The race includes 1311 steps, 19 steps per flight, and 788 feet of vertical elevation. While the race will be rigorous, it is nothing compared to what these kids and adults who are fighting for their lives have to go through each day.

Where will my money go? All proceeds from the race go to benefit The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to assist in the mission to cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma and to improve the quality of life of patients and their families. Here is a link to their website if you'd like to get more information about this tremendous organization. http://www.lls.org/#/aboutlls/mission/

Click here to visit my personal page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://www.llswa.org/site/TR?px=1514401&pg=personal&fr_id=1220&et=UjvZY2oyHm86ubE3Tyn74Q&s_tafId=16430

Click here to view the team page for Renton Fire and Emergency services
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://www.llswa.org/site/TR?team_id=41196&pg=team&fr_id=1220&et=QDoZN6hd12kU3M8ox6mSvw&s_tafId=16430

health update

2012-02-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

My cold is much better, and I have gained back the weight that I lost last week. I have gained 9 lbs since this pregnancy began, and am feeling pretty good. I still have a bit of a cough, but nothing to write home about. The news from the OB this week is that I'm super anemic, and my thyroid function is low. I'm already on thyroid meds, so they are simply leaving those the same for the moment. As for my iron, I was taking 50 mg a day--and they've increased it to 648 mg a day. Yowsa. I'm hoping that with all those new red blood cells I'll have I will feel less tired. :)

Please read the next post too.

hope and a future

2012-02-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Well, overall things are going well. My weight was up 3 lbs (!!!) since two weeks ago when I went to the doctor on Monday. They were very impressed. They do a quick ultrasound each appointment to make sure that the babies are still moving and shaking in there. On the ultrasound, BOTH babies were dancing this time. They kept poking the other one through the little membrane that is separating them. They are each in their own sac, but are having a good time playing together anyway. :)

However, I came down with a horrific cold on Sunday night. I have been miserable--not able to breathe, ears hurting, eyes leaking tears from the pressure in my head, horrible headache, cough, inordinate amounts of mucus, and seriously increased nausea. The end result? I've lost all my new pounds. My IV therapy nurse told me not to be discouraged--that once I start feeling better that everything will be okay. And she reassured me that the babies are still growing and getting what they need...so not to worry about that.

So, I'm trying not to be frustrated. I'm laying on the couch a lot, and looking forward to being able to breathe sometime soon.

I've been able to see my Young Life girls more often than normal...since we've been doing our group meetings during the day instead of at night. It's been so fun to watch them grow in their faith lives. I'm looking forward to hearing one of them share their faith story on Friday night at the annual YL Banquet. My mom is going to join me, and that should be a fun adventure too.

I'm so thrilled to see God is still using me, even when I feel like I'm not doing anything good for anyone. Life with chronic illness sometimes seems selfish--I'm forced to spend so much time on myself, making sure that I stay healthy--that it's easy to lose sight of the fact that God is doing mighty things IN me, and that others can see Him at work through me in spite of me.

My friend shared this with me, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

I love that verse. It's such a good reminder that God's in control--and that His perfect plan is being revealed to me one tiny piece at a time. He's blessing me with prosperity, hope, and an amazing future. I can't wait.

Short-lived trend

2012-02-01T15:05:00.001-08:00

Can you call something a "trend" if it only happened for one day? I suppose it depends on just how optimistic a person is.

My puke-free trend lasted for just a day, but it was still really awesome. Sadly, Tuesday included a puke session that was so violent that I almost passed out. Oops.

Well, I can still celebrate Monday, right? I was livin' the dream that day.

In other news, I think I may have gained a pound this past week. Yes!! Just 10 more in 6 weeks to go... :)

Love you all,
Brelin

Puke-free for a day.

2012-01-31T07:42:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to share that, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I did not throw up the entire day yesterday.

Alleluia.

Thank you God, thank you baby hormones, and thank you for the wonderful respite for my throat. Please let this be the beginning of the end of puking.
Amen.

the first prego picture

2012-01-30T20:33:00.000-08:00

I personally think that the ultrasound photos make our kids look a little creepy--so, until they come out you will have to endure pictures of me and my growing belly.

Here is me at 13.5 weeks.

Oops

2012-01-25T10:44:00.001-08:00

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. In my defense, our power was out, and we've been really busy at all kinds of doctors.

Here's the latest:
My weight is stable, but not increasing. The doctor is okay with my progress, and hopes that I can gain 10 lbs in the next 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to keep down a lot of Costco muffins to make that happen. :)

We had an ultrasound on Monday, and the babies were so big! (the size of limes) They have all their fingers and toes, we got to see their hearts, stomachs, and brains. It was very cool.
One baby is right on top of the other in the pictures--the top one danced through the ultrasound (clearly my child), while the other one laid pretty still except for every once in a while when he/she scrunched up it's face and arched it's back to protest its dancing sibling. We just laughed. The bottom twin would not pose for the pictures very well, while the top one was very compliant. We are hoping that we can see gender in my next ultrasound, which is in a month.

The OB is hoping that I'll be feeling less exhausted and less nauseated soon, since I'm in the second trimester now. I've been having horrible headaches, and the OB said that just happens in some women, and not to worry about it. Let me share that vomiting with a splitting headache is not my favorite thing.
My most recent blood work showed that I'm perfect! My electrolytes and nutritional status look amazing. Yay me and babies!!

I'm starting to get fluids 3 times per week so that we can stave off dehydration. My blood pressure has been running pretty low, with the numbers close together--so we are hoping the extra fluids will help.

The GI doctor consult was very enlightening. There is not a chance of the pacemaker causing preterm labor, because it's already turned off. Some people who have the pacemaker just hurt from it, even when it's turned off. The doctor thinks that's probably the case with me. He doesn't think that having a new device put in would help as he believes that the same shocking thing would take place all over again. So, I think I'm going to have it removed (perhaps when they do the c-section) if they can.

The past week or so has been crazy with the snow and ice storms in the Seattle area. We got 8+" of snow, followed by 3" of ice on every tree. We lost about 10 huge branches in our front yard, but they didn't cause any damage to the house. I'll try to remember to post pics next time. We continue to have high winds, and our power is flickering, but has stayed on so far.

We are so excited about how God is working in and through this pregnancy. I'm about one third of the way done, and have not been admitted to the hospital!! (thank you, Jesus!!). We are so thankful for His love and blessings surrounding us as we walk through this together.

We love you, thank you for your prayers!!
b

trying for once a week.

2012-01-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping to try and update my blog about once a week, just to keep you appraised of the latest info, as it comes along. Hopefully that will make it easier for you to pray, not to mention, I really like writing when I make the time for it.
So, here is the most recent information:
1. My gastric pacemaker continues to be a disaster. I had it turned off 5 weeks ago, and it continues to do something which feels similar to the sensation of shocking. This could be that even though it's turned off (no voltage running through it), the lead wires are pressing on a nerve in my abdomen and causing pain. It could also be that the wire is partially frayed, or it could be purely coincidental that I'm feeling anything at all. I'm hoping for the latter.
The second problem with my pacemaker is that it's huge (about the size of a carton of cigarettes). I am not huge, and there is not going to be a lot of baby room to begin with. Since I'm having twins, the perinatologists (high-risk OBs) are worried that the babies pushing on the abdominal and the pacemaker could cause constant pain as my uterus expands. This, in turn, could cause preterm labor.
So, I'm still lots of doctors appointments away from this, but there have been two recommendations so far that I have surgery to remove the device and leads once I hit the second trimester.
I'm not really sure how you should pray for this situation. I don't have a clear understanding of what the best course of action is, and I don't feel like there is a clear-cut solution either. There are risks with removing it, and risks with leaving it in. Please pray that God reveals precisely what to do and when to do it.

2. My greatest prayer is that I live through this whole experience (that's not really in question, but I thought I'd cover all the bases); the babies are born healthy and strong after at least 36 weeks of gestation; that I can go through this pregnancy with as few complications and as little pain as possible.

3. I had a phenomenal love of eggs for the first 8 weeks of pregnancy. It seems I have transitioned to bagels and cream cheese, string cheese, and applesauce. It's pretty much all that I want to eat, all day long. I continue drinking lots of ensure, and my weight has increased a little. (I gained a pound!!) I attribute the weight gain to the phenomenally healthy and delicious blueberry muffins that I concocted. I'm pretty sure I ate 12.

4. Overall, things are going reasonably well. I continue to get fluids twice a week in Issaquah. I just graduated slightly from the high-risk OB. I only have to come twice a month for a while! (hooray!) I'm still really sick each night, and my pain is pretty horrific--I pretty much cry myself to sleep each night because it hurts so bad in my abdomen. I know that a certain amount of pain and nausea come with pregnancy in the first trimester, so I'm hoping that mine will get a little easier to bear in a couple of weeks. (just in time for surgery. j/k hopefully)

Anyway, thanks for reading. Mostly, thanks for praying. We trust that God has this all under control, and that as He's knitting these little ones in my womb, we believe that He's in and through my body and there tiny bodies too.

Hugs and love to all.
b

the New Year

2012-01-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

This year will certainly be a year of firsts for us... and we couldn't be more excited about both of them and all the craziness they'll bring us!

Christmas went well, and we had a great time with all of our families. I came home, have been to the doctor, and am mostly just exhausted. My mom reassures me that being tired is normal--she recalls sleeping through an entire football season when pregnant with my bro and sis. So I'm celebrating the "normalcy" of sleeping 12 hrs+ each day in between my insane bouts of nausea and vomiting.

The first weeks of pregnancy seemed to go really well. The last couple of weeks have been a little more challenging. I'm still keeping down more food than I normally do, but my nausea and vomiting was previously held at bay until about 3 pm. Now, I only make it to 12:30 each day before I begin yakking my brains out despite all the nausea meds that are safe during pregnancy. My friend, Rachel, keeps reminding me that the nausea is a nice reminder that all is going well with my pregnancy--my hormone levels are clearly rising correctly. While I appreciate her encouragements, I'd rather just stop puking. :)

Marcus is, as usual, uber-patient with me and the vomiting/sleeping debaucle that I have become. He does his best to shove food down me at every turn, and I've consumed more Ensure drinks in the past couple of weeks than I care to remember. I'm even getting sick of my favorite flavor, strawberry, because I've had it so much. Sad day.

Beyond all that, I remain super excited and optimistic for the future. I'm not losing immense amounts of weight, but I'm not gaining weight either. The docs say at this point my nutrition markers look good. (they check them in a blood test) I'm seeing the high-risk OB each week so that they can keep a close eye on me and the babies. So far, so good. Each week they do a quick ultrasound, looking for both heartbeats in one picture. Their hearts are getting stronger, and their heartbeats are totally normal and what they'd expect them to be. They are also growing at the correct rate, and look otherwise healthy.

And now, does anyone have ideas about how to get more calories in each day? I've talked to a nutritionist already, but they didn't have any really good ideas, just one or two new things for me to try. I'd love to hear if anyone has any ideas. Even snarky comments are welcome. :)

Love you all, and Happy New Year!
brelin

the BIG news

2011-12-19T10:19:00.001-08:00

Many of you know already, but I thought I'd share the news with the rest of you...

I'M HAVING TWINS!!

We heard heartbeats for the first time on Friday, and although it's still early in the pregnancy, I'd love to have you all praying for me (and the babies). I'm doing well for the most part...still vomiting, but not nearly as often as I usually do...which is good, because I'm supposed to be eating 3000 calories a day. I'm certain I'm not close to that yet, but am pretty pleased with my progress overall. I'm really, really tired--and am doing my best not to just "push through" like I'm used to doing. Whenever I start to get frustrated at how exhausted I am, I say out loud, "Give yourself a break. You're growing brain cells today." Or, "You're growing hands today...and you have to make 4!!" That helps me remember what the end game is, and then I take a nap.

I'm very early on in my pregnancy. Just 7 1/2 weeks along. I realize that most normal people wait to tell others until they are at the their second trimester. I, however, am not normal--and am eager to have all of you praying for this process. :) So, pray!! (tee hee)

Just to warn you, I'm not the girl that's going to post their ultrasound pictures on Facebook (or on the blog). While we think that seeing both ventricles of the heart beating in two babies at the same time is a miracle (and super cool) we realize that all you non-pregnant types don't find it nearly as interesting. :)

So, the miraculous news of twins combined with the super sunny December weather has certainly lifted my spirits. Besides my exhaustion, my mood couldn't be better. Since we heard the news, Marcus and I go back and forth between being elated, and so freaked out we might pee our pants. It's been nice to have my mom (who also had twins) be able to share her good ideas with me.

I've started seeing a high-risk OB already, and really like her. It's part of the Perinatal Clinic in downtown Seattle, and all of the doctors in the practice are high-risk. Many of my appointments will be with different doctors--it's a real "team" approach--and I'm hoping I like it. I've heard nothing but amazing things about these doctors, and although it's a trek to get my appointments, I'm glad to have their expertise on my side. I am also consulting a nutritionist on Friday 12/23 to see if there are easy ways for me to sneak more calories into my diet. The OBs have said that I need to be checked out weekly (at least for a while) to make sure that my electrolytes are balanced, and that my albumin and pre-albumin (which indicate malnutrition) are at the correct levels too. For now, I'm continuing with my fluids twice a week, and still LOVE having my port.

We are so excited!! And we're thrilled to watch God's hand at work through this whole process. The best part of this pregnancy is that I'm so at peace about everything. It might be a tough road, but I just know that God is in and through me, working on knitting those babies together as we speak. The Christmas story has taken on a whole new meaning to me this year, as I hear the story about Mary and the Angel. So cool.

Have a blessed holiday, and safe travel to all who are headed somewhere else!

Love ya!!

Brelin

Thanksgiving Aftermath and Christmas Fun

2011-12-14T08:03:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving went really smoothly. We had a ton of fun with both families, and more than enough food. The highlights included the turkey turning out amazingly moist and delicious and my 11-year-old nephew prancing around our house to "Must Be Santa" while wearing his mother's high-heeled boots. His dance was complete with spirit-fingers, and was very comical, especially when he managed to get his boot stuck in his t-shirt making him fall face-first into the floor while we all laughed. It was awesome. The lowlights included my sub-par tasting gravy (I tried to be gourmet) and my other nephew catching a football with his face and getting a bloody nose. All in all, we made it, and had a great night.

We did lots of tourist-y things with Matthew and Sarah (& my parents), including:
--the Boeing museum (which was very educational and pretty amazing)
--Snowboarding at Crystal Mountain (which was a riot thanks to my sister who found the one puddle to land in on her first trip down the bunny hill)
--A quick trip to Snoqualmie Falls (because it was pouring rain)
--The Space Needle and Pike Place to watch fish-throwing
--Eating at Ivar's on the Pier with the seagulls
--and finishing off the week by staying in downtown Seattle after meeting up with a lot of the Weakley cousins at the Martini Bar. It was so much fun.

I managed to contract the worst cold I've ever had (to date) on Tuesday night, about the time that Sarah and Matthew arrived. I struggled through the weekend, sniffling, coughing, running a fever, and doing my best not to yell at anyone. At one point I was so congested that I threw up and then immediately got a bloody nose just from the pressure in my head. It was miserable. Despite our best attempts to avoid each other, Marcus came down with my same, horrible cold (a less lengthy version)--and had to miss work. His words, "I can't believe you made it through cooking and eating Thanksgiving dinner feeling like this..." I was glad that he recognized my struggle. My cough/cold lasted about 2 1/2 weeks total. It basically sucked.

Since then, we've been busting a move on all things Christmas. We got a tree from a cut-your-own-tree-down lot, and as usual, it took far too long to select one. Marcus and I tromped around the several miles of tree farm to select the "perfect" Christmas tree at Marcus' request. This is one Rismiller family tradition that I could do without. I see nothing wrong with a perfectly trimmed fake tree, and an evergreen scented candle. I'm fairly certain I will be overruled for the remainder of our marriage, however.

After we selected the tree, we were both too exhausted to do anything about it. It sat in our garage for 2 or 3 days, waiting for us to muster up the strength to get all the Christmas bins down, trim the tree, and decorate the rest of the house. Again this year, Marcus donned his college track spikes to put the lights on the cedar shake roof--while I watched nervously, hoping that I wouldn't have him land on me or that I wouldn't need to call 911. He successfully completed the light mission, and our house looks great.

I have been working hard to get our Christmas cards out this year. I think I ramped up our list a little bit, trying to reach out to people that I haven't heard from in a while. I'm hoping our letter will be well-received. The one thing that will be different next year is that I'm switching to computer-generated labels. I realize that lots of people have been using them for years, but I've always thought it's a little better to have hand-addressed letters. After this year, with absolutely no help from Marcus on the Christmas cards or letters, I've decided that I'm simply over it--sticky labels it is.

Health-wise I've been doing okay. I've actually been feeling a little bit better the last couple of weeks, especially since my cold has vanished. It seems like I've been keeping a noticeable amount of food down each day. My water is also staying in better. I'm continuing to get fluids twice a week, and that seems to keep things running smoothly.

Last weekend we enjoyed a Big Horn Brass Concert with my friend down in Portland. I puked all the way down in the car, but the concert itself was amazing. We unknowingly booked a crappy hotel on hotels.com which had received really good reviews. We walked into the room, and it reeked of decades of cigarette smoke...so much so that it was a little hard to breathe. Ugh. Anyway, we got free breakfast (which was really good) the next morning, so I guess it was worth the tiny amount we paid?

We are going to be very well celebrated by the end of the Christmas season again this year. It's wonderful to see all of our families, and we're so thankful that they live close enough that we can make it all happen each year. We celebrate Rismiller Family Christmas on 12/21, then roll to Tri-Cities for Weakley Family Christmas 12/24-12/29, quickly followed by Johnson Family Christmas on 12/30. I'm fairly certain that we will finish just in time for me to take a nap to ring in the new year.

After all of the craziness, we are so thrilled to remember that Jesus is the real reason we are celebrating. It's not about gifts or generosity of spirit, instead it's about God sending His Son to earth to show us how to live. I'm so excited that His grace and mercy flow so freely to all who need it. (including me!!) Thank you, Jesus, for your love and peace. Please be with all of us this year, giving safety to all those who travel and comfort to all those who mourn. We love you, Amen.

Have a wonderfully Merry Christmas, and a blessed 2012.

Love brelin

Thanksgiving

2011-11-20T07:39:00.001-08:00

I've been doing okay, and there is simply not much to report. Marcus and I have been busy with a healthy balance of doctor's appointments and fun. I'm STILL getting shocked by my pacemaker and want to rip it out of my body most of the time. I'm still whole-heartedly impressed with my port, the scar is healed well, and it's tiny!! And the location is perfect--a v-neck t-shirt mostly covers the incision.

We are looking forward to Thanksgiving at our house this year with my family and Marcus' family. It should be lots of fun. I'm brainstorming fun games we can play and activities we can do to keep the party going. I'm a little nervous about making the whole meal because I'm a little bit of a perfectionist--but after watching several cooking show with "tips for the holidays", I've come to the conclusion that the word "rustic" can cover a multitude of sins. It's a trendy and hip word with such a vague meaning that I feel like it could cover even the biggest sweet potato flub.

To those who faithfully read my blog: don't tell my mother-in-law about my secret word. She is a flawless chef capable of table miracles, so I might just need to fool her in case of poor plate presentation/taste/etc.

And a side note about my mom's cooking: she has other gifts. Like, baking amazing creations or educating people from all walks of life about the dangers of poverty, and if you need to know anything about kids 0-3, she's your gal. However, when cooking up swanky side dishes for the holidays-- I'm planning to channel Grandma Sanders.

So, overall the party should be great. My sister is flying in on Friday with her boyfriend from Ireland. (He's from Ireland, living in VA for a time. Sarah's in DC going to grad school and saving lives with her non-profit work.) We are excited to show him all the beauty the NW has to offer--and hopefully trick them both into moving to the west coast so I can see them more.

Blessings to all of our friends and loved ones. We are so thankful to have you walking with us through this crazy journey. I think I'll try to do my annual "thankful" post sometime after my family leaves. :)

Oh, and here's my favorite Bible erase at the moment--it's been such an encouragement to me these past few weeks. I hope it's encouraging to you all too!!

Romans 12:11-12
Never give up!! Eagerly follow the Holy Spirit and serve the Lord. Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying.

Hugs and love to you all, B

2011-11-07T13:34:00.001-08:00

I can't believe how amazing it is to have a port. I love it!! I sort of wish that I would've had one put in a few years ago. Granted, I'm wearing more scarves overall--trending towards my little sister's approach to fashion (a scarf, regardless of color, goes with everything.) I've had it accessed twice so far and the blood return is great, as is the flowing of the hydration. Best of all, when the nausea meds go in IV, there is no burning!! Excellent. The placement is good, and the scar is small--and healing nicely. It's not even been two weeks, and I'm already not feeling it too much during a low-impact workout. Yay!!

Beyond that, there is not too much to report. We've had beautiful weather the past week or so--and I'm not one to take sunshine for granted--so we've been out almost every day working on the yard or hiking somewhere amazing. The other day, Marcus and I hiked up to Suntop and through the Grove of the Patriarchs. Both were beautiful, ripe with fall colors. The view from Suntop was spectacular, we could see Rainier, some of the Cascades, and even on to the Olympics. Gorgeous.

Thanks for your prayers, thoughts and well-wishes. It's such a blessing to have you all walking alongside me through this journey.

Hugs!!
Brelin

2011-10-31T20:07:00.001-07:00

I love Halloween. I love staying home to answer the door and see all the cute kids in costume. Highlights for me so far this year include:
1)Marcus just answered the door for trick-or-treaters, and the kid exclaimed, "You're big!!" in his chirpy voice.

2)There was one kid dressed in a scary mask, and a little ninja turtle was too frightened to choose his candy from the same bowl. His mom kept repeating, "He's just in a costume like you, honey." Poor little ninja turtle may be a fierce crime fighter--just not when someone's wearing a scary joker mask.

I'm continuing to improve since surgery. I'm taking drugs less often, and I even went to Zumba today. I was less than awesome in my hand motions during class, but I made it most of the way through. I'm down to ibuprofen during the day and one muscle relaxer at night. Overall, getting better.

Keep those prayers coming...
B

home and doing well

2011-10-28T13:02:00.001-07:00

Hi All,
A brief update to let you know how surgery went:
It was quick and uncomplicated. The vascular surgeon reported that "everything went exactly as it should have."

I'm feeling pretty good considering they cut me open yesterday. Most of the pain is in my right shoulder. It feels like I did about 300 shoulder raises using 100 lb weights. Immediately following my pretend "workout", then Marcus punched me as hard as he could in my right shoulder.

Certainly, the pain is not unbearable (especially compared to abdominal surgery)--but I'm certainly not comfortable either.

The doc says that I should be pretty much back to normal in about a week. Until then, Marcus is opening and closing my car door for me, just as a proper gentleman would do all the time. :)

I consider any uncomplicated surgery a miracle. And I'd been kinda freaked out about surgery all week, and then woke up the morning of the procedure feeling a peace that transcends all understanding which could only come from God. Thank you all for your prayers.

Love,
b

2011-10-26T08:08:00.001-07:00

Hi All!
Just a quick note to say that I'll be heading in for outpatient surgery tomorrow to get my port put in.
Please pray that the procedure goes smoothly and that I can heal quickly from it. :)
My doctor's name is Bryan Lange, and he is a vascular surgeon. We saw him on Monday, and are so pleased that he'll be doing the surgery. We liked him so much that Marcus and I did high 5's on the way out of his office. He came very highly recommended to me from my nurses, an contradicted several of the things the first doctor had told us were "truth."--just further confirmation from God that we are now in the right place.
The funny part of my story is this: I returned from my workout class yesterday morning to discover I had a voice mail message on my cell phone.
I called the woman back.
She explained that she was from Swedish Hospital patient registration, and she was calling to pre-register me for my procedure on 10/27.
I interrupted and said, "Wait! I that this coming Thursday? Like, in two days?" She replied, "Yes. It's two days from now."
Me: "Um, I'm sorry, ma'am, but what procedure am I having done on Thursday?!"
Her: "It looks like you're having a surgical procedure with Dr. Lange."
Me: "Oh, that's great! I just hadn't heard from the doctor's office yet." (I had been in and spoken to the doc about the procedure, but hadn't spoken to their scheduler yet.)
Just then, my home phone starts ringing. It was the doctor's office calling to let me know that they'd been able to squeeze me in and that I'd be receiving a call from the registration lady soon. I let her know that they'd already called.
The nurse and I broke out laughing, and she said, "My! Aren't they efficient?!"
I chuckled, and said, "Yes, it's the most interesting way I've found out about surgery so far!!"

Just another comical adventure in the land o' medicine.

Hugs to you all.
B
Sent from my iPhone

2011-10-19T16:10:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been trying, to say the least. Immediately upon returning from California, I came down with the stomach flu. If you can imagine, it was awful. My normal days include puking and sometimes crying from cramping and pain. With the flu, I got dehydrated twice as fast, and went back to just puking my own stomach juices--without eating or drinking a thing. I was forced to pop pain pills one night, which I really don't like to do, and didn't really venture off the couch for a week.
Also, I am still in need of a port. A port is permanent access to your veins. Its a long, thin tube that goes in the lining of the vein, keeping it open, and then a small plastic part (about an inch long) gives access to the tube. The funny part of this story is that last week or maybe two weeks ago, I was sent to a Dr. F in the Vascular Surgery Dept of the hospital. After having a venous ultrasound, and a long consult visit, I was placed on his surgical schedule for 10-27--until yesterday afternoon when I received a phone call from him.

The gist of the conversation was that he thought I ultimately needed to get a port put in. He just didn't want to do it. His reasons varied from, "I don't think you really need one, even though it seems like it's medically indicated," to several alternative abdominal ideas--most of which included surgery or naso-gastric feeding. All of these things the GI docs have already tried, and I haven't tolerated--except for the one surgical procedure that he recalled being done "about 30 years ago"--which they have since stopped doing because it didn't work. I was irritated by his suggestions to say the least. Why does he think he's such a genius--able to solve my 14-year-old intestinal problems after talking with me for an hour?!? Sheesh.

So, I have an appointment with a new vascular surgeon. Although Dr F works in the vascular surgery department, he was only a general surgeon. Ugh. The silver lining of this story is that Dr F will not be touching my subclavian veins. Ever.

So, my next consult is on 10/24-with hopefully a surgery on 11/1. I'll be sure to keep you posted.:)

One of my great friends shared this lesson with me the other day...
"Try to stop yourself when your thoughts get too far into the future. When that happens, you are no longer thinking of the strength that God will give you to get through that difficult situation--and you don't factor in the provisions that He will make for you between now and then."

The lesson was amazing, and I'm doin' my best to stay in the moment, to live in the present with the grace, strength, and wisdom that God provides now.

Hugs and love,
B

2011-10-03T10:22:00.001-07:00

For some reason the end of my blog post didn't post last night. So, here it is:

Medically, I am hanging in there. This past week, my GI doctor had to turn down my pacemaker because I was getting shocked too often. Basically, I got shocked every day, all day long for 5 days--until I was completely miserable. So, he turned it down.

I'm also getting two IV infusions a week to keep my dehydration at bay. It's working nicely, but each time they hook me up, my veins are blowing--which is as painful as it sounds. The nurses and doctors have suggested that I get a port put in sometime in October.

I think that's all for now.
Hugs, Brelin

2011-10-02T18:09:00.001-07:00

This is the fortune cookie that I opened about a week ago. It was right!! We are in LA visiting some friends, Andy and Heather and their two kids.

We are having an amazing time so far!! We've enjoyed Knotts Berry Farm, Beach camping near Santa Barbara, and shopping in cute boutiques. Mostly, we are laughing our butts off with them.

2011-09-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

This is a shot of Marcus on the coast, looking out over the water. We had a wonderful time with the Johnson clan (my dad & step-mom's family). We shared a house in Westport for the weekend, and enjoyed some nice days on the beach, throwing the frisbee, playing games, and lots of catching up. It was a great time.

16 days.

2011-09-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from someone who reminded me that it's been 16 days since my last post... so here I am.

Here's a not-so-quick run-down of what I've been up to since August 22:

1. Marcus and I went on a backpacking trip to Rachel Lake. To get there, you take the Lake Kachess exit off of I-90 (near the summit of Snoqualmie Pass), and then you drive to the trailhead. From there, it was about a 4-ish mile hike, with all the elevation gain in the last mile. Ugh. I was tired, but I made it. About half-way through I asked Marcus, "Are you proud of me for still tackling adventures like this." He answered honestly, as always, and said,"I guess I'm a little proud, but mostly I just think you're crazy." Thanks for your support, honey. :) Tee hee!! I've included some photos for you.

This is a photo of Rachel Lake, itself. We hiked up a ridge, around the lake a little ways to take this one.

Another shot on the ridge, looking the other direction.

Some really weird flowering plants. Anyone know what it is?

And another shot of Rachel Lake.

2. Another fun activity that we did was... we went golfing at the Enumclaw Golf Course. It was really fun, and I even got par on one of the holes. By the end of our round of 9, I was hitting it much better, and had two amazing chips onto the green, just a couple of feet away from the hole. It was awesome, and sunny the whole round. Bonus!!

3. We also went to a wedding this past weekend for one of my past students from Sammamish Hills youth group. It was our second wedding of youth group kids this summer. Yikes. I'm not sure how I got old enough for them to be getting married. Alas, the wedding was beautiful, and I got to see lots of fun friends.

Flashback from the first middle school mission trip to Yakima: Barb, Kristin, Kate, and me.
From the second Yakima Mission Trip: Barb, Kate, me, & Lacey

My hottie husband & I.

4. My last big event happened yesterday evening. My sister-in-law, Tammy & I took her daughter Maya & a friend to see TAYLOR SWIFT!! Maya is in love with Taylor, and so we were all super excited to see her. The concert was amazing, it was the most beautiful show I've ever been to, with all of the costumes, sets, and lighting. It was great!

Here's a photo of the 4 of us

Maya and I

5. Besides all of the fun that I've been having, my health is slowly seeming to improve. I'm still needing to get IV fluids twice a week, but that has kept me from passing out and having a good time. (clearly.) I've had a low-grade fever for the past two weeks, and so was prompted to go to the GP (family doctor) to get checked out. After a significant work-up of blood and urine, there is still no answer as to why I'm running a mystery fever. The doctor thinks it may just run it's course, or perhaps it already has? I'll have to keep you posted on that.

Thank you for your continued love and support. And thank God for blessing us with amazing weather in the Seattle-area these past few weeks. We've been driving the Jeep with the top down, enjoying the car since my father-in-law broke his foot, and so has loaned it to us in Enumclaw until he can drive again. Poor Jim, but yay for us.

Hugs and love,

zumba, and other horrific tales.

2011-08-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'll start the post with some more pictures from Kwajalein, our tiny island in the South Pacific that we visited in May.

Sophie & Uncle Marcus

Marcus & I on the empty beach
(we were the only ones there almost every day)

An amazing sunset.

Sea Glass collected from Glass Beach.
(this was just one bag we came home with. you can collect this same amount everyday.)
I found yellow, but Marcus found a large piece of red. Both are rare.

And now from our current life:
We've continued to have a lot of fun lately. I guess it's good that even though I'm not feeling any better, it's not impacting my ability to have a really good time--or at least try really hard at it. :)

I've been having to go in for weekly or bi-weekly IV therapy treatments lately. The nice part about this is that hospital in Issaquah is open now, so I can just drive there instead of having to go to downtown Seattle. The IV therapy has been staving off the fainting, kind of-- I haven't actually fainted again, but I do end up having to lay down in a lot of weird places...fitting rooms, in the locker room at the gym, walking to the park, etc. It's a little humbling (read: embarrassing), but something I can get over. The bizarre part is that I'm doing well on my electrolytes (better than ever, actually), and my weight is up a marginal amount, most likely from the twice a week fluids.

One other lesson that I'm learning is one of keeping my mouth shut. There is an interesting phenomenon that happens at public bathrooms after I've just puked. Normally I'm pretty quiet, but sometimes it's too painful and hard to muffle the noise, so I just vomit. There is nothing delicate or dainty about vomiting, and certainly in that moment, it's clear to everyone what just took place in my stall. When I emerge from my stall being the size 00 that I am, I get some pretty ugly looks from other women. It is in these moments where I want to scream, "Don't judge me! You don't know what horror I'm going through. I have a digestive disease!" Ugh. So, instead of yelling at these women, I'm doing my best not to judge others. I figure I'd like people to give me a break, and I'm sure others need one too. Lesson #359 learned. Thanks, God.

My gastric pacemaker seems to be causing problems, yet does seem to be helping on occasion. If I only drink liquids, I can sometimes keep them down now that I've got my device turned up to 2.6. Although now that it's at 2.6, it's been shocking me almost every day all day long. Just in the last day or two, I haven't been noticing it as much. Hopefully this means that I've gotten used to it. :) I'm thinking of having them turn it up again soon, so that I might feel incrementally better? I'm not sure if this is reasonable thinking, but if I'm getting shocked already, it might as well be for a good cause. :)

Marcus and I have decided to stay in Enumclaw for another year. We've been going around and around, dragging our feet about making a decision about whether we should continue to rent out our condo in Sammamish for another year, or if we should move back into it. We ended up deciding to stay out in the boonies for one more year. We're hoping that in a year we'll have a more clear vision of where we'd like to "settle down"--whether that's back in our condo in Sammamish, or somewhere else entirely, I've got no idea. It's nice to have that decision made though, and now we don't have to think about it for another year.

He and I are going to head out on a backpacking trip on Wednesday. We'll just be gone on one overnight, and mostly Marcus will be carrying all of the heavy things. I'm so excited to be going on a hike again, and I've been "training" so that I'm strong enough to go. I've been doing some light weight lifting and Zumba classes, and a little running. For those of you who have seen me dance, you can imagine me doing Zumba and laugh. It's hilarious. But, I break a sweat each time, and it's so much fun to do a cardio class that doesn't leave you bored. I've also been enjoying a "body pump" class, which is weight lifting in an hour. Super fun. Anyway, Marcus worked out with me the other day, and deemed me ready for the hike. I'm so excited.

I think that's all for us. We've been enjoying going out on the boat with friends, and it seems that summer has finally arrived in the Seattle area. It's not crazy hot, but sunny enough that we've been able to take the boat out with friends several times.

Marcus and I are doing really well. We seem to be falling in love more and more with each new day. This trial (my health) has been such a long, arduous battle--but Marcus encourages me to fight with such grace and tenacity. We have been having so much fun together lately, staying up late laughing, chasing each other around the house just being silly... it's so refreshing to be so much in love, even in the middle of our 6th year of marriage. I'm so blessed to have a hot fireman husband who loves me so much.

I am so thankful for all of your prayers, love, cards, and words of encouragement. Lately, I've been feeling God's peace so strongly in the midst of this battle, and I feel such strength to "keep going" even though things are disheartening and seemingly a little hopeless at the moment. I trust that God's got this part of my struggle in His story for my life too, and I continue to rely on the love and knowledge that, "He's gotten me this far, He's certainly not going to leave me now." And, isn't that so true?! He never does leave us. He will never forsake us. He's always right there, explaining away our pain, drying our tears, dusting us off, setting us on our feet again when we've fallen down...and when we turn to Him for comfort, He says, "I am with you always, to the end of the age. You are mine, and I love you."

I'm praying that YOU will feel that powerful love today and always.

better than last year! (phew.)

2011-08-09T04:34:00.000-07:00

2010 Rismiller Family Vacation will forever remain etched in my memory, and in the memory of all the Rismiller's who watched me tumble down at the tennis courts. It was especially difficult for the nieces and nephews because they didn't understand what was going on. They simply thought that I was dying, as I went from cheering, "Go, Kids, Go!" during their tennis lesson to passed out on the ground at the park.

This year's family vacation went so much better. There were no medical malfunctions to speak about, except a minor hiccup at a Nike Outlet on the way home where I had to lay down in the fitting room. (but Marcus was there, and caught me in time.) I got fluids in the new Issaquah Highlands hospital the next day. :) I managed to enjoy biking, swimming, running, and even throwing a frisbee while at Sun River with the rest of the family. Marcus and I even rode a bicycle built for two, checking one of the items off my list of 33 things before I'm 33. We took a chairlift up to the top of Mt. Bachelor on a sunny day and hiked around, throwing snow balls, and playing on the big rocks. We even took a tour of a candy & ice cream factory in Bend (enjoying free samples, and then went on a white water rafting trip for a few hours!! I got to participate in all the activities without limitations! And I'm not feeling too terribly now, either. I just had to take a couple of naps along the way.

I didn't end up having the doc turn up the pacemaker before we left. There was a fiasco in communication, so I couldn't get there easily--and in the end, we thought it best to deal with what we know while we were away. I know that I can handle a week of puking. I don't know if I can deal with a week of rate 2.6 and puking. So, we thought it best to wait and have it turned up when we'd be around Seattle in case I can't handle the increased rate. So, I'm getting it turned up today at noon.

I think that's it for news. My puking seems to be a little better than before surgery. I think I keep food down longer, and so more is staying in (at least seemingly.) I haven't noticed an increase in weight, necessarily, but hopefully that will come in time. I still feel like I'm puking everything and all the time, so it's still just as frustrating as ever, but when I stop and reflect (like right now) I think things are staying down a bit longer then they were before. That's something, at least.

Please pray that I can not grow too frustrated with this thing. So far, I want to rip it out of my body on a daily basis. Mostly when it's shocking me. That's been more regularly recently (I think because I've been dehydrated. I'm still having to go in for weekly hydration, and if I miss even a couple days, I almost faint.) Anyway, I know that I can endure it for the 6 months of "trial" that I'm supposed to have. And then, beyond that... help me to know what God has for me in the future. I covet your prayers. All of them. :)

LOVE to All.
b

busy, with a chance of showers.

2011-07-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

For some reason I can't write my blog entries from my iPhone. It won't let me type words into the informational area, and then it posts my empty entry. Clearly, it's user error--but I don't know what to do about it. I'm obviously just old, and to remedy the situation should just ask a 12 year old for help. :)

So, the latest on my health is this:
1. Overall, I am mostly unimpressed with the gastric pacemaker. I'm still vomiting all the time, I think just as much as I was before surgery--only now I have a huge lump in my abdomen where the stupid device sticks out, and I get shocked when near people's bluetooths.

2. However, I'm not getting shocked most days. I think I've gotten used to the sensation of it for the most part. I'm going to have Dr. Patterson turn it up again tomorrow, and see if that makes a difference in my digesting, now that I've gotten used to this current rate (2.0) I'm going to have him turn it up to the rate of 2.6, which is the rate that it was when they inititally put it in at, and was shocking me all the time. I'm hoping that it'll be okay now that I'm more used to the sensation of it all.

3. I'm still having a hard time keeping my potassium at a good level. My blood pressure also runs pretty low, and the combination of these two things lends itself to me fainting--not really stellar. I almost passed out again yesterday in Banana Republic with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. It always seems to happen when I'm shopping. Marcus says, "Maybe you should just quit shopping so much." Harumph. I think I'll just ask the doctor if I should increase my potassium supplements. :) I'm still having to get hydration therapy (2 bags of IV fluids) once a week. I'm also wondering if I should get a more permanent IV site (port) put in--especially if I need IV fluids each week. Last week they blew my vein getting my IV started... it swelled up as big as my wrist. (and I'm not exaggerating.)

4. We've been managing to have a great summer in spite of all these things, though. I've been camping twice now in eastern Washington with family. We just got back from a weekend with some good friends from college (& spouses) on Lake Chelan. We head out soon for a firefighter softball tournament in Wenatchee and then family vacation in Sun River, OR during the first week of August.

5. We've been out on the boat a ton in eastern WA, seeking the sun (as it's been FREEZING in SEATTLE!!)--and we're trying to make the most of the summer. Last weekend, I even went tubing behind the boat! It was awesome!! :)

6. My surgical stuff has healed completely. I'm no longer feeling pain from that, which is nice. I'm off the narcotics from that, and am just down to one pain patch to keep the edge off my abdominal pain. I've restarted a medication that seems to be helping me go the bathroom more regularly, which is good too. It's a little spendy, but the benefits far outweigh the cost--so we don't mind at all.

I think that's all. Sorry it's been so long in between posts. We've been busy, but are having a

written and failed

2011-07-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

I've written and failed a couple of different blog entries since 6/24, but both of them have been so confusing when I read back over them before I went to publish them--I just clicked "close" and figured that you could be uninformed except by word of mouth, or an occasional facebook post. I've obviously been on too many drugs until now to say anything intelligent.

In my last post, I painted a rosy picture of how things were going. Immediately following that, the proverbial "poop hit the fan." The shocking, which I began to describe in my last post began to hit full boar. Most people, once they have the gastric pacer installed never feel an electrical pulse at all. However, because of my size and weight, and because I'm just "lucky" (please read my dripping sarcasm)I have abnormally thin abdominal walls--thus could feel the shocking constantly once I began to back off of my narcotic pain meds. It hurt HORRIBLY. Like, much worse than the vomiting ever did. Imagine the pain that you feel when you shock your friend from dragging your feet on the carpet. Now, think of that happening every 5 seconds in the same location directly under your rib cage. All day and all night, without a break of any kind. I was not pleasant to be around. ARGH. It was horrific. So, the doctor turned my pacemaker down after two days of that. ( I couldn't get there sooner because I was in Tri-Cities while Marcus was climbing Mt.Rainier--he made it to the top!!)

So, the doctor turned the pacer down, and I haven't been having as much pain since then. But, now I'm back to puking all the time--because it's turned down so far that it's like it's not even in there. Ugh. SO FRUSTRATING. So, I got really dehydrated and almost passed out again, and have had to get fluids weekly since then. But, before that I did get to go on a family camping trip, and hang with some friends in the Tri-Cities, so I've been having a good summer. Busy, full of sun, exhausting, full of puke, pain, and frustration.

I just went in to see the doctor again yesterday. He turned up the pacer again. I've only had one bout of shocking so far. Please pray that this trend continues.

Love.
b

the age of bionic brelin

2011-06-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm doing well overall since surgery. I've thrown up about 10-12 times total (which is a vast improvement), and I'm keeping down liquids regularly. The only "problem" comes when I progress past a full liquid diet. For those of you not well-versed in hospital lingo, "full liquid" means, low-fat, runny stuff that you can eat with a spoon. Like, things you could feed your 6 month old. I can tolerate cream of rice cereal sometimes, and frozen yogurt, but not ice cream. I haven't had a full glass of milk, but I've sipped a nonfat latte over a day, and that's stayed down. I don't really like Jell0, but I did have some yesterday and that worked out again. I also keep down some crackers, and once a low-fat string cheese. No success with any types of fruit so far.

The doctor has encouraged me to "be brave" and keep branching out, because I never know when something might work. And just because I throw up one time does not mean that I'm going to spiral out of control into vomit-palooza, where I've been residing for the past several years. The doctor has shared with me that it takes several months to feel the full benefit of the device, and so I should try to not be frustrated. So, I'm doing my best not to be afraid or frustrated.

Here are the answers to the most asked questions:
1. Can you see it?
Yes, you can see it. It's about 2"x 2"x.7" and sits in my lower right abdomen. (near my belly button.) Even if I gain weight, it will probably stick out more on this side.)
2. Can you feel it?
Up until yesterday, I would have answered "no"--but I think I can feel it now. I hope that I can get used it. It's hurting a little, but maybe it's just something else causing the pain.
3. How long is your scar?
They ended up not going laproscopically (making 4 small incisions) because of my extensive surgical history, so I have a now longer scar on my belly--they cut about 3-4" higher. It's healing well. I go see the doctor on Monday to make sure that everything is going okay, and that my labs look good.

Please pray for Marcus, as he is climbing Mt. Rainier this weekend. Pray for his safety, and the safety of those in his group. I'm over with my mom, soaking up the sun while he's away.

Thank you for your continued prayers, I have certainly gained my strength from them this past week and a half. It has been a long and arduous journey, and will remain so for a while, it seems. Please pray that the transition to solid food will be a smooth and easy one. And that I will know when and how to do that. Please give me boldness to try new foods and help me to know when to progress, and when to hold back.

this morning

2011-06-13T04:22:00.001-07:00

I am headed off to surgery this morning, but wanted to post quickly before I list to say thank you for praying.

I had an interesting journey getting to "the table" this morning, which I'll have to catch you up on later, which included fainting on a main street in Seattle while shopping with my sister, an ER visit, and then fouled up numbers with my bloodwork leaving the surgery in the balance--but I'm thankful to be having surgery--and I'll be praying with you that this is the answer we've been waiting for.

Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement--and hopefully I'll be posting that I'm feeling great in a couple of days.

Much love.
b

home, and reasonably healthy

2011-06-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

PICTURES FROM OUR TRAVELS,

and then a brief overview from our trip...

Gavin found a tiny Hermit Crab

Sophie & Auntie Brelin

Marcus & Brelin at the Kwajalein Yacht Club
(a building with a fridge of beer)

Sunset from Kim & Jon's Patio
(we ran outside from the dinner table one night to take the pic)

Brelin.
photo cred: Marcus
scenery cred: God

Sorry for that lame post the other day, I didn't mean to post it. But, I guess it's good that you knew we were alive. It was honestly all I could muster anyway.

Since we've been home, all I've really done is go to the hospital, get fluids, and then do laundry. I did see a friend for a couple of hours on one afternoon--and that was really fun!! But, I haven't even been down the street to catch up with my family. I've just been sleeping on the couch.

Our vacation was amazingly wonderful. It was paradise. Seriously paradise.

We feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to get away together for such a long time, to rekindle our love for one another; to remember that our life is about more than just shiny silver bowls filled with puke. We were reminded that we can be about more than just surviving until the next IV therapy appointment; about more than just the monotony of each stormy day in Seattle, and even more we can thrive through the stormy moments that seems to compound in our lives.

We were separately so worried about my ability to "survive" the trip, but I made it, and had a really wonderful time. I only had to go to the ER once while on Kwajalein, and the trip only cost us $220 (which is normally about $1200-2550 here), so that was a real blessing. We think that our insurance company will reimburse us for this too.

While we were in Kwaj, we had the chance to snorkel, lay on the beach, Marcus surfed & scuba dived, we ate dinner on the beach several nights, we had a couple of bonfires on the beach, we had worship in the chapel, we traveled to different islands (one by boat- Bigi and one by plane, Roi). We stayed overnight on Roi. I was able to keep up with most of the activity, and even worked out most days with Kim! I had a lot of fun snorkeling, and we even got to see a sea turtle! We got to go golfing, and we rode our bikes everywhere. There are no cars on the island, so you either ride your bike, walk, or run to wherever you're going. It's an amazing place. I'd move there in a heartbeat...except there are no GI docs there, so they won't have me. :) We stayed with Kim and Jon, Sophie and Gavin the whole time we were there, and they were wonderful hosts. I'll tell you about some of our adventures in more detail next post.

We are so thankful for our time together, so blessed that we could be together, to enjoy our time with each other, with family, and be in the sunshine!! We loved it--and it's nice to know that even if I'm not healed completely by this surgery, I can still be fun. God has given me life, and He has given me grace. And I'm so thankful.

Blessings to you all.

Hugs and love,

brelin

We're back!!

2011-05-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

a quick post to say goodbye

2011-05-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been tough...but I've been hanging in there. I've been getting more fluids than normal in preparation for our big trip. I've been going in about once a week to the Infusion Therapy Clinic (I get 2 Liters of fluids over 2-4 hours), and then this past week I went in twice! My period had stopped again, and my weight had dropped a lot again; my pain levels had been worse off than normal, but in spite of all of this, we are sooooooooooo excited to go on vacation!! To say that we are giddy to fly to a tropical island is the understatement of the year.

Just to give you an idea of how miserable the weather has been here, I will present example one: it snowed at our house just 3 days ago. Yeah, actual snow. In the middle of the day. And it stuck, on my freshly potted flowers. I was less than thrilled.

Tomorrow at this time, we will be in Oahu. And then the day after that, we will be in Kwajalein--where the air temp is 90 and the water temp is 85. I'm not sure if I'm ever coming home. Except that the doctors have promised surgery when I get back. So, I guess I'll be home in time for the hospital :) When is that again? June 13? Done. So I guess I promise to be home by June 13. :) Haha!!

Really, we'll be back around the end of May. Please pray for safe travels for Marcus and I, and that our vacation is without incident!! Please pray that I am able to keep fluids down on my own, and that I won't need to go to the hospital there at all. Amen.

Thank you for your love and hugs.
brelin

they said yes, and.... here's the rest of the story.

2011-04-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the radio silence, race fans. I've posted a couple of facebook messages, and sent out a couple of text messages. But if you haven't called me, I probably haven't called you either. Sorry. I do appreciate your prayers, warm wishes, and certainly your congratulations. We couldn't have fought this battle without you--and it's not over yet. :) Fortunately, the ugly part with the insurance company part is though. phew. So, here is the deal. About a week ago, I received a phone call from a nice lady from the insurance company and she asked me a bunch of questions. She was not making the actual decision, but she was summarizing my case, and then reporting to the MD at the insurance co who would be making the decision on the second appeal. At the end of her questions, she said, "Is there anything else that you'd like to add?" I said, "Yes." I told her about how difficult my past couple of weeks had been, how I'd almost crashed the cars, how I was not able to stay at home alone because I was having trouble with fainting again, my pain was too much to bear, I was crying all the time, and I felt like I burden to my friends and family...blah,blah,blah..." Anyway, I told her how I've been really feeling. And in the middle of the conversation I burst into tears. I talked about how we've tried every medication, and how I'd been through every procedure known to man: feeding tubes, picc lines, tp, ppn, alternative drug therapies, naturopaths, and how it was so frustrating because nothing ever works. And that despite my good lab results, my quality of life should be taken into account when they are considering my appeal. I also asked that the insurance MD speak directly to Dr. Patterson (my GI doctor.) He's been wanting to do this from the beginning....so I'm not sure why this didn't happen until now...? Anyway, it was Dr. Patterson's speech that pushed them over the edge. The insurance company approved the 2nd appeal, and I have 6 months to have the surgery done. Since our trip to the South Pacfic is already booked, we decided to go through with it, and I'll be having surgery when I get back sometime the first week of June. We'll be gone most of May. The doctor has cleared me for the trip, and has told me to have a great time!! I'm going to be getting fluids before I go just to be on the safe side, and then I think we're going to try and mail some there just in case I need them once I'm there. My sister-in-law is a nurse, and there is also a hospital on-site in case I do have a problem...so, here I come amazing, sunny beach!! Love and hugs, and thanks for the prayers!! Keep 'em coming, this time for COMPLETE HEALING BY MID JUNE-- brelin

they said...

2011-04-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

YES!!

please be praying.

2011-03-31T18:56:00.000-07:00

The decision is being made regarding my appeal sometime in the next 72 hours. Please pray that they will say "yes." And that we won't have to move onto standing in front of the City of Renton board, because it won't even come to that. The MD from the Insurance Company will simply realize that my quality of life is poor enough that it's worth it to try the surgery. And that I can get surgery when I get back from the South Pacific. And that we will have an amazing time without incident while we are there, and that we won't have any medical complications whatsoever. And when we arrive back in Seattle, the surgery will be flawlessly executed, and I will be feeling a million times better. And I won't need medications any longer, and I won't be in pain any more. And I won't struggle like I do now. And we'll be able to have beautiful, healthy babies. Amen.

another day, another dollar?

2011-03-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well, the main reason for no posting, I guess, is that there has not been anything really interesting happening. The past month has been full of good snow, so we've been doing lots of snowboarding and skiing at Crystal. We took a quick trip to the Tri-Cities, but were so busy the whole time we were there that we only saw family members. And then we got back, and I was so exhausted from the trip that I literally slept on the couch to recover for three days straight.

I have been having a hard time with depression lately. My mood is a difficult thing to conquer when I feel "stuck"--which is mostly what I've been feeling a lot of lately. We've had to completely back off of having kids, as we have learned that it's going to be IVF (in vitro fertilization), miraculous birth, or no baby for us. And, as far as the surgery for the gastric pacemaker goes, I'm sick, but just not quite sick enough. Let me explain...
The insurance company basically has 5 categories that you have to "fit" in, in order to qualify for the surgery. I am now sick enough in 4 of the 5 categories, but my heart is still doing quite well. Normally, I would think we could just celebrate that my heart is healthy and move on. However, the insurance company seems to think that my heart should begin to have problems before I warrant the surgery. Are you annoyed? Because we are.

Anyway, the latest and greatest news about the board meeting on the 24th of March was actually a false alarm, because we can't submit our case to them before we have exhausted all of our appeals with the insurance company. And we still have one more appeal for them to deny before we can approach the city board. So, again, we wait. And, wait. Ugh.

I did go in to see the GI doctor on Monday morning (two days ago), and had a nice chat with him. My bloodwork is off again. This time my liver enzymes are elevated and my potassium is low. Also, my kidneys have been hurting. I had a follow-up ultrasound yesterday to see what was going on with my liver and kidneys, and my exam was normal....so the elevated liver enzymes remain a mystery.

I did receive 2 liters of IV fluids with potassium and didn't have to pee at the end, so apparently I was a little dehydrated. I didn't even notice it...I guess that could have been causing the kidney pain for sure. *sigh* I'm feeling a bit better today after my fluids. Oh, and it's sunny and warm in Seattle today. YAY for vitamin d!! The best part of the trip to Seattle and the hospital yesterday was that I got to see my step-sister, Alyson. It'd been forever since we'd seen each other--so it was really nice to catch up. She's almost done with her dissertation and then she'll be DR. ALYSON. Crazy.

In other news, Marcus and I are going to the South Pacific! I can hardly wait!! We are going to visit Marcus' sister, Kim and her husband, Jon, and our niece & nephew in the Marshall Islands. We are SOOOOOOOOO excited. It's 85 degrees everyday and the water temp is about 75. There is surfing and snorkeling to do, and to get there you have to fly in and out of Oahu--so we thought we'd see the sights there, since we'd be there anyway. Marcus is beginning a scuba class next week just to prepare for the visit. We're so excited to see them, and to find the sun for so many days. We'll be on the island for almost 3 weeks, and then on Oahu for another 4-5 days... So. Excited. Woot woot!!

I think that's all we've got to report. We're thinking about getting a puppy when we get home. We're sort of becoming that stereotypical thirty-something couple who really want a child but might just get a dog instead to tide us over until the time is right.

Please pray that the insurance company does not deny this final appeal. Or that if they do, the city board will approve it. And if all else fails, we can find a nice attorney who will cover the case and be nice to us and figure out how to help us that way. Oh, and that after all that, the surgery will actually work. And that I'll be healed completely. Forever. Amen.

Thank you for your virtual (and real) hugs, for your cards, phone calls, facebook messages, emails, and all the ways that you remind me that you care. It really does help me remember that life is worth living, and that I'm not alone in this journey. I'm so blessed to call you my friends. (PS I'm crying in Starbucks as I write this. So embarrassing.) Anyway, I love you. And, thanks.

no surgery (again)

2011-03-04T14:10:00.001-08:00

We just found out yesterday (for sure) that the insurance company has denied the appeal that we filed. They are going to do a medical peer review (where my doctor talks to the insurance company), but no one is really sure that it'll do any good.

The only silver lining in the cloud is that the City of Renton is actually the one who controls the pot of money that is managed by HMA (the insurance company). So there is some way for Marcus to work directly with the people from HR, and then theoretically they can override the decision made by the insurance company. We are also planning to contact a lawyer, and see if there is something they can do. We are definitely treading on new ground here, and I'm feeling a little backed into the corner.

I know that God has a plan, and that His plans are perfect. I totally get that He is fighting in the trenches with me, but I'm just tired of fighting. Why can't everyone just do the 'right thing' in this situation? Ugh.

Anyway, please pray for my bad attitude, and pray that my frustration subsides. I have been going back and forth between bursting into tears, and laughing about the dumb people that make decisions in our world. :)

On a cheerier note, Marcus and I are celebrating our 6th anniversary tomorrow. Time sure flies when you're having fun! It's also been more than 1/2 our marriage that we've been battling this stupid pukemonster. The good news is that we are more in love than ever.

Thanks for your prayers, love, and words of encouragement in cards and messages. We're thinking and praying for all of you too!

Love, b

no surgery.

2011-02-23T07:55:00.000-08:00

We have no new information.
The insurance company has still not approved or denied the appeal. We are irritated, to say the least, but have not sought out any outside help (from attornies, etc) We're hoping that the insurance will make a decision soon, and my GI doctor though the best bet would be for us to somehow get the doctor at the insurance company to speak directly with my physician. He was hopeful that they'd hear him out, and then approve it. I'm not quite sure how to make that happen, but I'll sure do my best to figure it out. Beyond that, there is no real news with us.

My application has been deep sixed at the surgeon's office, but I was reassured that the minute we hear from insurance, the surgeon's office would get the surgery scheduled within a week or two.

The only positive news coming from all this waiting is that it's FINALLY snowing in the mountains!! Hopefully, I can go skiing and snowboarding when I'm not too tired/in too much pain/puking too much.
YAY!! :)

Marcus has been sick this last week with a low-grade fever, aches, super tired, and congestion. Please pray that I don't get it, as it would really wipe me out, and probably dump me into the hospital.

We're hoping to go on a trip to see some family in the South Pacific in May. We couldn't be more excited to see them and lay on the beach in the 80 degree weather. Awesome.

My book/devotional has 30 entries now. Be looking for it in your inbox before March 9 (which is Ash Wednesday) this year, and the beginning of Lent. :)

Hugs and love to all.
b

waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

2011-02-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sure that many of you are aware of my quickly approaching surgery date of 02/23. That being said, I think it's almost time to give up on that date, and pray that the next surgical date might be a bit more meaningful. I spoke with the doctor again today, and the insurance company has still not made a decision on my case. They've come back to the doctor twice since last Thursday, asking for more lab work. I'd had it done, so they were able to send that information on to the insurance company again. The ball is back in their court, as we WAIT for them to make another ruling.

People often ask what I fill my days with. It's hard to explain, usually. I feel busy. Even when I'm too exhausted to get off the couch, my days are full and emotionally, physically, and mentally consuming. What am I doing, you ask?

Waiting.

I'm waiting for healing to happen. I'm waiting for that medicine I just took to kick in, hoping that it will bring some relief. I'm waiting to see how long it will take that glass of milk, or the hot tea that I drank, or the peas I tried, or the cereal I just ate to come back up. I'm waiting to see if it will be hours from now, or just a couple of minutes. I'm waiting to hear from the doctors about what to do next. I'm waiting for the nurses to call me back and answer my questions about swollen fingers and protein imbalances, about constipation, abdominal pain, and vomiting. I'm waiting to hear if I should go to the ER of if the infusion therapy clinic will do the trick this time. I'm waiting for the insurance company to finally figure out that I'm sick enough to have surgery. I'm waiting to finally be healed. I'm waiting for a child. I'm waiting to see if the housing market will improve. I'm waiting to see if I'll ever be healthy enough to return to work. I'm waiting to plan trips, and think about going back to school, and thinking about even one week from now, because I'm just not sure how I'll be feeling, or if I'll have enough energy to do the thing that I planned. Mostly, I'm waiting to feel better. Any kind of better. I'm waiting for the day that I can wake up and not hurt anymore. Or at least, waiting for the day when I don't vomit all day long.

I guess that's what I'm doing.

I'm sorry this entry is a little depressing. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm feeling optimistic about the future and all that it holds. I just wish we could get on with it.

I also think that it's absurd that an insurance company has the right and/or ability to decide ANYTHING about patient care. Since when does some bureaucrat have the authority to make decisions about MY HEALTH?!? Don't get me started... Ugh.

no news, really

2011-02-11T15:45:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write to let you know that there is nothing really new with us.

I went in last week for another blood draw, and have not heard any results from that yet. My phosphorous and BUN was checked with this blood draw. BUN tests the amount of nitrogen in your blood, and your urea can either filter it well or not. If the BUN is high or low, it's indicative of a problem in your kidneys, in my case, most likely due to dehydration. They also checked my phosphorous. Low levels mean dehydration. High levels mean kidney failure. I'm assuming they think that mine will be low on both accounts. I'm not sure what they found, nor have I heard any more news about the appeal with the insurance company. And, so we continue to wait.

I'm not feeling like I need to be rushed to the hospital regularly, so that is good. We've been trying to get up to go skiing/snowboarding once a week or so. Marcus and I are doing our best to start eating more healthy foods too. I'm trying to quit having "candy" as my main food group, and have gone back to yoga class after a two month break. Marcus is back to lifting weights, and I think it's safe to say that we're feeling a little better. I'm still puking all day, but now more nutrient dense foods. Hopefully that is good overall. :)

We're off to Whistler for the weekend with some friends. It should be lots of fun.

Thank you for all your prayers, love, emails, and cards. It's nice to know that so many are still praying 3 1/2 years later.

We treasure your words of encouragement, and pray along with you that this nightmarish journey will be over soon.

I'm loving Psalm 5:1-2 the last couple of days:
Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament.
Hear my cry for help, my King, and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning, I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.

I know He hears them all, and pray along with you that His answer comes quickly.
brelin

hanging in there.

2011-02-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally about everything today. We had put so much hope into this surgery quickly ending the physical pain that I've been enduring, but apparantly God had a different time table that He's working on.

Yesterday I was able to go skiing with our family (& friends, Jon & Tammy). I made it about 4 hours, which was awesome. It was super sunny, clear skies, and we got to see Mt. Rainier, Baker, Adams, & Stuart. It was gorgeous and lots of fun to get off the couch.

The other day I couldn't stay awake at all. I only managed to stay awake for about an hour at a time, so it was nice to be able to get out and feel okay for a couple of hours. I'm still not really sure if I'm fighting some kind of virus, or if I'm just worn out from life.

I'm going in for more bloodwork today, and my GI doctor is working with the medtronic staff (who make the gastric pacemaker device) to get going on my appeal process to the insurance company.

They have re-scheduled me for surgery on 2/23, pending insurance approval. And so we wait again, hoping that this is the door God is opening, and that THIS is the time that He has ordained for healing.

I'm holding on to these verses in James 1:2-5, 12. I hope they'll be a blessing to you as well...
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

another bump in the road

2011-01-31T16:11:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with the insurance company.
They have denied my claim.
"It is not medically necessary for you to receive gastric stimulator because you are not showing enough signs of malnutrition. It has been reviewed by the nurse and the doctor at the insurance company."

The next step is for us to write a letter of appeal, and for my GI doctor to also write a letter of appeal, stating why it is important for me to receive this surgery.

To say that I am feeling frustrated and discouraged would be the understatement of the year.

And my cries go up...

...How long, O Lord, how long?

02/07/11

2011-01-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

That is the date that is currently set for surgery. The insurance company has still not approved the procedure, but the doctors are hopeful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that we will be able to proceed with the surgery on that day.

On that date, the team of doctors will be placing a gastric neurostimulator, also called a gastric pacemaker. It seems that all things are coming together well for this to happen, and I am definitely looking forward to the surgery taking place.

The team of doctors will attempt to enter my belly laproscopically (with small incisions and a camera), but the surgeon doesn't think that he'll probably be able to complete the surgery that way, due to all of the scar tissue in my body. Scar tissue is often a bit like a spider's web, making it difficult to navigate through. It helps me to think of it like those scenes in Mission Impossible where they have those laser beam security systems and the bad guys are trying to steal the diamond. Just one wrong move, and the whole room erupts with noise as the alarm goes off. It's pretty similar to my guts--if they nick the scar tissue at all, things would be much worse--and infection could erupt throughout my abdomen. If they are not able to proceed laproscopically, the doctor will enter through the scar that I already have, and perhaps make it a little higher up, so that he can see my stomach really well to place the stimulator wires.

While they have me open, the surgeon is hoping to "take down" (aka: remove) scar tissue that might be causing problems throughout the belly. They are not going to make any incisions larger than they need to, but they also want to make sure that while I'm opened up that they don't miss anything important. There is also a chance that they will place another J-tube (like the one that I had in 07/08) so that I could do some tube feedings at night while I recover from surgery, and just as back-up in case I don't respond to the gastric pacemaker right away.

My pre-albumin levels are borderline low (normal is 20-40, and mine is 19). Pre-albumin measures your overall nutrition. They are planning to repeat my blood work closer to surgery, and then make the decision about whether or not I need the feeding tube placed again. If it is decided that I do need one, they will be able to place that at the same time as they are doing the other stuff. I'm praying that I don't need it, as it is very uncomfortable, and increases my risk of infection.

Please pray along with us:
1. That the surgery goes well, and that the surgeons will be wise, and their hands will be steady. We are praying that God will guide them directly to the things in my body that need to be fixed, and that He will use them in order to restore my body to full health.

2. That I will recover from surgery quickly and without incident--that there will be no complications, that I will get adequate rest in the hospital, that I will have a terrific care team with caring nurses and doctors, and tender-hearted, compassionate staff. We also pray that my pain will be managed effectively throughout my stay, and when I return home as well.

3. That this is the answer. On 02/07/11, it will have been 3 years and 5 months to the day since this horrific battle of daily puking has been raging on. But it has been 13 years since my story of abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting has been going on. Please pray that we can rejoice, and that my story might be one of miraculous healing and health restored completely.

4. Above all else, we pray that God's voice might be heard through my voice and that God's story might be seen in my story. We ask that God's faithfulness might be known throughout the world, and that many lives will be changed forever by the goodness of His love, and by the power of His mercy and grace.

We love you all, and covet your prayers. I'll be at Swedish Hospital for surgery, and my docs are Dr. Louie and Dr. Patterson if you'd like to pray for them specifically. I will be staying inpatient anywhere from 1-7 days depending on how quickly I recover from surgery, and what kind of things they end up doing while I'm in there. We welcome hugs, prayers, and visitors. We'll try to keep the blog updated as well.

Hugs,
b

poop- no longer taboo

2011-01-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

In the land of gastrointestinal problems, lots of things are no longer disgusting to talk about during dinner--and daily, it just seems natural to update one's spouse and immediate family on the bowel movement of the day--or month.

Without further ado-do (ha!), I am pleased to report that I finally went to the bathroom. I finally went #2 for the third time in a month. My body is very crampy, and still feels incredibly full (I've had weight gain this month, but the docs have attributed it to not going.) To finally go, even a little, is so refreshing. Thank you all for praying when you received my slightly disparaging text message.

It seems that the insurance company has still not managed to get their act together and approve my surgery--so, we wait. I had my pre-op appointment last Wed, and the surgeon seems very nice. He's done this surgery before, so while it is new to Swedish Hospital, all parties in the operating room have had some experience. And so we wait. The docs are now hoping surgery can take place either 2/2 or 2/7, depending on the insurance company and when they make their decision.

I've had a little more energy the last couple of days, and got to go up skiing yesterday. This morning it's sunny, and so I went for a jog with Marcus. It's nice to not be curled up on the couch all day long. I've also been working on writing my devotional, and hope to have it ready to test drive for family members & close friends at Lent. I've gotten to see lots of friends lately, and have appreciated the grace that everyone extends to me as far as being flexible when I'm just not feeling good and have to bail at the last second.

I think that's all for today. Please continue to pray that the insurance company moves quickly on their "yes" decision, and that the surgeons will have great wisdom, and work with no complications during surgery. Please pray that my recovery will be complete, and my health totally restored. I'm pretty sure God can handle all that. :)

Sending hugs your way--
b

the update

2011-01-16T16:17:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that your prayers may be working. (FINALLY!!)

The doctors have gotten all their ducks in a row, and are currently working on bugging the insurance company until they say "yes" to the surgery. The hospital board approved the surgery, and I have a pre-op appointment on this coming Wednesday, and will hopefully go in for surgery on Jan. 24 or 25. (YAY!!)

Please pray that this surgery is the answer. Lately, I've been feeling a little anxiety about this procedure. Marcus and I are not worried that the surgery will go wrong, or that something might get worse, we're just concerned that I might not improve--leaving nothing to hope for. Please pray that we can trust God implicitly that THIS is the answer.

Pray for immediate healing, and the opportunity to see God's hand in and through this entire process.

I've been doing a bit better the last week...I've been able to get off the couch, and even went skiing one day with my nephew, Marcus, and his dad. We had a great time!!

Thank you for your love and support, and hold us tightly in prayer.
brelin

mini health update, and a little good news

2011-01-13T07:11:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
This past week has been a good one for me in the grand scheme of things. THANK YOU for your faithfulness in prayer, as I have totally felt God's presence much greater, which has, in turn, given me the strength and hope that I needed to get out of my medical (& emotional) funk.

The past couple of days, I have had much better energy, and I even went SKIING yesterday with my nephew,Garrett; hot fireman husband, Marcus; and my father-in-law, Jim. We had so much fun, and my little nephew was kickin' butt on the mountain, doing an amazing job skiing. :)

I don't have much to report health-wise. My dizzy spells seem to be less frequent at the moment, which has been a welcome relief for me (and my family too. :)) I am not feeling like I need to have someone with me at all times for safety (phew). The vomiting continues, and my fluids are running a little low, but I feel like I've made it through the really "rough" patch for now.

The good news for the day: My surgery was approved by the hospital board! (praise God!), so now I'm just waiting on my insurance company to approve, and then we can get the gastric stimulator hooked up in my guts.

Please pray with me:
1. I'm going to be praying long and hard about getting another J-tube (feeding tube to my intestines) placed at the same time as the stimulator is put in. I absolutely HATED that tube, as it was painful to receive the tube feedings, and it was just uncomfortable to have sticking out of my body...mine ended up ripping out multiple times, but didn't come all the way out--just enough to hurt really bad. Please pray that God will make it completely clear to me about what I should do in this situation. Let Him know that I'd prefer to learn by someone just telling me, as opposed to making me sicker to help me figure it out. :)

2. That the insurance company says "yes" to the surgrey soon.

3. That I can continue to feel good enough to keep doing fun things (like shopping, skiing, yoga, and working on my devotional.)

4. That we can find a home church out here in Enumclaw to get connected and find some fun friends. (we are still loving living out here, but would also love to meet some friends that live close)

5. Also, please pray for our friends, Nancy and Kendyl. Both have cancer (kendyl-in the last phases of chemo, nancy-just beginning the process). Please pray for peace, rest, energy, minimal side effects and miraculous healing. :)

Thank you all for keeping up with me and my life. We covet your prayers, and I adore the encouraging notes that you send!! They really do perk me up. :)

Love.
brelin

specific prayers

2011-01-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
It's been a rough 48 hours to say the least. I'm doing my best to manage my pain at home, as I REALLY don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I know my limits, and I'm currently teetering on the edge of needing to go.

My spirit is weak, my body is exhausted, but I'm doing my best to keep a rosy outlook on a situation that seems a bit hopeless at the moment. I told Marcus we should book a trip somewhere warm, so that I have something positive (and sunny) to look forward to. My mom has encouraged me to get back into my writing, as that will give me something to focus on instead of feeling like garbage all day.

I go see the doctor again this afternoon, and hopefully my lab work will show exactly what is amiss in my little body.

Here are the things that we are praying for specifically:
1. The hospital board at Swedish approves the gastric stimulator (pacemaker) surgery asap.
2. That my insurance company agrees to the surgery asap.
3. That my pain gets under control asap, and that I am able to maintain (or improve) my current level of health, so that I can avoid being admitted.

Thanks all,
b

a rough new year

2011-01-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted.

Since my procedure on 12/23, it's been nothing but complications. I developed a "cord" in my right arm, which means that my vein is puffy, swollen, and bruised. My body is trying to heal it by sending little guys to eat at the clot, which is making it hurt worse...but all in the name of "healing" so that's good, I guess.

I've had to receive IV fluids twice (once on Friday, and again on Monday) because I've fainted/tripped/collapsed three times in the past week. I've managed to fall face-first all three times, landing on my right knee and left hand. Poor little knee is tired, and bruised... but hanging in there. No broken face, limbs, and otherwise safe and sound.

The problem with receiving the IV fluids, is that this past time (Monday) I've had some kind of reaction where my body is retaining all the fluids, and I've puffed up--my face, my fingers, my legs--all swollen and puffy.

I'm having trouble moving my bowels as well, and despite the use of laxatives, I'm still not going.

Oh yah, and my vomiting is no better.

Ugh.

Yesterday, I couldn't muster any strength, and didn't want to fight to go on.
This morning, however, God has granted me enough strength to keep fighting. I have been given the opportunity to live this day, and I'm going to do my best, seeking out joy in each moment, in spite of my stupid body.

I've spoken to the doc, we have each other on speed dial now, and I'm trusting that God is working through him to heal me. I've escaped admittance to the hospital so far, and I'm hoping that trend can continue throughout this new year.

Please pray that I de-puff, that I can go #2, that my veins are healed, that my vomiting stops completely, and that I have the courage and strength to return to full health. I know that God is capable of outright healing, please pray that my spirit is willing to receive it fully. And please pray that He's ready to do it.

I love you all, and happy new year!
b

I love CHRISTMAS!! and other medical updates.

2010-12-26T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'll start off by saying that I am so blessed. These past couple of weeks have been a HUGE reminder to me about just how much GOD loves me, and how richly He has showered me with His grace. It is so easy for me to lose sight of the things that really matter when my world is consumed with vomiting and pain.

Despite all of the pain and yucky-ness that I experience in my physical body on a daily basis, this Christmas has been a wonderful time filled with laughter, love, and the amazing support that I feel from my family and friends. Each moment spent has been a breath of fresh air for me both spiritually and emotionally. I'm delighted to report that as we celebrated Jesus' birth, we have the privilege to look into the future and experience a profound sense of HOPE.

My ERCP went well on Wednesday, and I just had to spend one night in the hospital. My sleepover at the hospital had a couple of unfortunate mishaps with hives, veins collapsing, and IV sites rendered useless. But, I was able to make it through the procedure and the night (with 3 new IVs in 5 attempts.) I was thankful to have delightful nurses and and an excellent IV therapy team--it seems to make everything a little better when people are smiley at 3 in the morning.

The findings from the test: I had a significantly inflamed bile duct, due to adhesions (scar tissue.) There were no stones, and no sludge in the duct, the opening was simply too small because of the scar tissue strangling it off. Through the endoscope using an inflatable balloon and some kind of cutting implement, they were able to loosen the scar tissue which was strangling the bile duct, and also made an incision to increase the opening of the bile duct. I managed to avoid the complication of pancreatitis (yay!!), and got to go home on time. (double yay!)

Since then, we had 14 people over for Christmas dinner last night, and Marcus, mom, Sarah, and I pulled it off. The food was amazing, and the company was even better. It was so much fun to host my first official "family gathering"--so I went a little crazy; making place cards, and other festive table decorations. I even used festive cupcake flags with gingerbread men on top for the apple-stuffin' muffins. I know, I'm ridiculous. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm off to take another nap.
Sadly, I'm not feeling 80% better like the doctor had hoped, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm hoping that the lingering pain I'm experiencing is just from the procedure. I don't think that's really very likely, but I'm not positive. I go in for a follow-up appointment on Jan. 6.

Hugs to all.
b

oh, bile ducts

2010-12-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

After much anticipation this past week, as I waited anxiously for the doctor's call, I finally received it last night.

The good news is that I don't have hepatitis or any other auto-immune diseases that he checked me for.

The bad news is that my bile duct is very inflamed, and this could be caused by a stone, or "sludge" that's built up in the duct. This is most likely the cause of my elevated liver enzymes and could possibly be causing my increased symptoms of late (like more nausea, vomiting, and abd. pain.)

The way that they fix this, as well as gather more information about the source of the problem is by performing an ERCP. I am including the actual name of the procedure, because I believe it's the largest word I've ever seen (except for floccinaucinihilipilification--which is a word that I learned to spell in order to avoid running 3 miles at soccer practice when my scientist coach gave us the challenge). Anyway, the actual name of the ERCP is...

Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography.

Exciting, huh?
If you'd like to read more about this procedure, here is a link:
http://digestive.niddk.gov/ddiseases/pubs/ercp

I'm calling the doctor this morning when they open, and will hopefully be able to schedule the procedure before Christmas.

I'm also trying desperately to get my Christmas cards out before then. :) I made cute home-made ones. Let's see if they make it to the post office.

Love and hugs,
brelin

oh, and one more thing.

2010-12-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call from Dr. Patterson this morning. He left a message asking me to return his phone call. In my experience, it's not really a good sign when the doctor himself contacts you about your lab results... and I was right to be concerned.

The good news is that my potassium levels have gone back to normal. Normal is 3.5, and I have made it to 3.8. Phew. This is really good because potassium is directly related to your heart pumping correctly.

The bad news is that my liver enzymes that were elevated before have actually become more elevated. Normal for this test is 40, mine were 75 in the ER on 11/16, and now are 105. There are several potential causes for this: One, which makes the most sense, is malnutrition. Other options include: hepatitis, auto-immune diseases, nonalcoholic fatty liver, and obesity. I think it's safe to say that we can rule out obesity. :) Sorry, I had to make a joke. :)

Anyway, the way to figure out what's causing the problem is to do an ultrasound of my liver, and then draw more blood. The nurse-scheduler lady is going to call me tomorrow to let me know when my tests are.

Please pray that God will miraculously heal me before then--so that the elevated liver enzymes are just a thing of the past.

A picture of our awesome kitchen:

(before the Christmas fairy hit the kitchen)

Here is a picture of our living room/dining room before the decorating began...

I've included some pictures of our uber-decorated-we can't wait for Christmas-house.
Here is a photo of our enormous Christmas tree:
(please note the 11 strands of lights that Marcus used)

Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago, when we had a magnificent snow storm: This is our backyard:

I thought if I threw in some cheery photos at the end, it would counteract the lame news. This is the fireplace in our family room:

We love you, and as always, covet your prayers.
Hugs,
b

the doctor's report

2010-12-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

I got in to see Dr. Patterson at Virginia Mason yesterday. One thing that I'm thankful for is really good, compassionate, thorough GI doctors. We had an hour long appointment discussing future surgery, abdominal pain, dehydration, and a host of other things.

1. Gastric Pacemaker Surgery- In his mind, the sooner I can get the surgery the better. He thinks that I'm going to be feeling much better with the device implanted, and he is hopeful that the insurance company won't fight too much about paying for it because I've already tried every other treatment option known to man. He is changing hospitals on Jan. 1, and will become the head of gastroenterology at Swedish. Swedish is about 3 blocks away Virginia Mason, so still very reasonable to commute to. Once there, he hopes to assist in the surgery there as soon as they can get it scheduled. (most likely in Jan. or Feb.) To begin the process, the team at Swedish has to get a pre-authorization for the surgery from my insurance company. He was going to speak to someone yesterday afternoon to begin that process.

2. Abdominal Pain- He encouraged me to remain on the fentanyl patch (a low-level narcotic) that basically takes the edge off of my pain, making life a little more tolerable. It doesn't make me dumber or have any other frustrating side effects, which I enjoy. He's also said that I can continue on vicodin until surgery. I'm trying not to take this very often, just because it makes everything a little foggy. He's also given me some more anti-nausea meds, nothing new--just ones that I've been on for several years now.

3. In addition to all of those things, one of his nurses will set up a standing order for me to receive fluids at a clinic in Issaquah. This is going to be terrific because I won't have to visit the ER when I'm dehydrated, and hopefully the additional fluids will help me get back on my feet a bit. He's hoping to avoid putting another picc line in (as am I), and we'll just wait and see how often I end up going in for fluids.

4. Blood work: While I was in the ER on 11/16, they had taken a blood draw and run a million tests on it. That day, my potassium levels were low, and my liver enzymes were almost twice the "normal" number. He asked if the ER had told me anything about that, and if they'd suggested any treatment options. I told them that the ER said my blood work was all normal...interesting. So, he had me go to the lab to have another sample drawn to compare. Hopefully my numbers will be better this time, as potassium is an electrolyte level that affects my heart.

5. I had a little bit of a rough experience with one of the lab techs there. When I went in, I told her that I had veins that look good, but really roll. And that sometimes once you get blood, it just decides to stop pumping, so that I end up getting stuck 5 times before they get all they need. She had me roll up my sleeves, and looked at both arms. I suggested that she use a butterfly needle, as that has a tendency to work better. She insisted that she didn't need to because my veins all looked really good. (I sat there, slightly frustrated, but tried to hold my tongue.) She took out several vials that she needed to fill, grabbed a normal "grown-ups sized" needle, and went for it. Interestingly enough, she was able to hit the vein right away, at the same time bragging to me about how "the other lab techs must've not known what they were doing, and had no business telling me that my veins were bad." And then...nothing. She got about 1/2 of the smallest vial filled, and then (surprise) my vein quit pumping. I wasn't sure if she'd even gotten enough to do the test, and was wondering if she'd stick with her original story about how amazing she was--or if she'd have to poke me again because she didn't listen to me. She opted to not say another word, bandaged my arm, and told me to have a nice day. Hmph.

Overall, I'm trying to be optimistic about the future. I'm still feeling bad (worse than normal), but it seems that my weight loss has leveled out for the moment. I've kept the same weight for several days in a row now. During my abdominal exam, Dr. P was concerned about impacted bowel in my ascending colon, as my belly was noticeably distended on the right side. He prescribed an over-the-counter laxative called magnesium citrate, which I am enjoying for breakfast this morning. I put a straw into the beverage to trick myself into believing that it tasted good. I'm pretending it's like a pomegranate margarita. It's a stretch, but it helps me to envision I'm laying on the beach in the warmth of the sun. :)

Thanks God, for imagination. :)

ugh with a side of funny

2010-11-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'd love to report that things have turned around--but I'd be lying. :)

Things seem to continue to be rough. The latest good news is that I'm able to see my GI doctor about doing the gastric pacemaker surgery on Friday. I'm hoping to get this done ASAP--hoping that it will help me ward off the current downward trend. I have lost 8 lbs since the ER trip which was just two weeks ago. I don't have any more news on the ovarian cysts. My pain continues to be bad, but not excruciating--leading me to believe that they are either getting smaller, or else just not rupturing any longer. I'm supposed to have a follow-up ultrasound in about a month.

I'm planning to ask the GI doc on Friday if they can do a little "spring cleaning" in my abdomen while they are putting in the pacemaker. I'm hoping that they might be able to remove scar tissue, remove any large ovarian cysts and put in the the Gastric Pacer all at the same time. This might be wishful thinking on my part--I'll have to keep you posted.

And now, for a funny story from my life...

In our house in Enumclaw, we have a wood-burning fireplace in our family room. The other night, we had record low temperatures in our area, and I thought how nice it might be to have a fire going while we watched some movies.

**Please remember that I'm married to a firefighter as you read the rest of the story.**

I had purchased some presto logs, after having read about how they burn "cleaner" and are ultimately "better for the environment." Marcus read the directions carefully, and put the presto logs in the formation written on the package. He put two full presto logs next to each other, with a piece of kindling in the middle, and then placed one presto log broken into three pieces on top with a bit more kindling.

About an hour and a half later, and with much muttering from Marcus, the fire was still not burning. I thought I could help, but even my "I used to be a camp counselor and I can make a fire with just one match" skills could end the presto log lack of fire situation.

Marcus thought that it might help to douse one of the small presto logs with a bit of vodka. I thought that seemed like a reasonable idea--he returned with the drenched log, but it still wouldn't light. About 30 minutes later, in his infinite wisdom, he disappeared into the garage with one of the small pieces of presto log.

As he re-entered the house, he shouted, "Don't light any matches, I'm coming in with a gasoline-soaked presto log." Certain that he was going to light his facial hair or some part of me on fire, I ran into the living room, thinking the log might explode or something...Alas, even the gasoline-soaked stupid presto log would not stay lit. How can this be? Faulty product--perhaps.

Fortunately, we had purchased regular wood as well. I removed all presto log pieces, and started over with real wood. One match later, we had a fire burning bright.

In my infinite wisdom, I chucked a couple of presto logs onto the fire that was burning fabulously. About 5 minutes passed, and we had a roaring flame. It was burning so hot and so huge that it set off our upstairs smoke detector. Marcus blamed me for this.

All in all, we had some excellent laughs--and decided to never purchase presto logs again.

today

2010-11-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

I've been hanging in there lately, not feeling so hot for the most part. I'm perhaps heading into the "winter slump"--which is a bit disconcerting to us. I've got a couple of phone calls in to two different GI docs, so hopefully we can get my spiraling out of control back under control before too much damage is done. My pain levels have been through the roof, and I'm just tired of fighting. It's frustrating and exhausting knowing that anything you eat might come back up in a second, and so I've been mostly just having liquids. That's a struggle too, because it's really hard to get enough calories in when you're just having liquids. Ugh.

Yesterday I got to go sledding with Garrett, Maya, & Caleb--it was super fun! I love living out here in Enumclaw, it's been such a great time so far. We're enjoying not living on a huge hill too, it's making our transportation situation much easier. We've gotten about a foot of snow here, the most in the area, and it is gorgeous everywhere you look.

I keep telling God that I'm pretty sure I've gotten the memo about ANY lesson that He might want me to learn...I understand that I cannot do anything on my own strength. I totally get that I rely on you for all things. I know that your promises are true and that you never give me more than I can handle...but I'm tired now, God. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of struggling to maintain minimal health. I want the pain to be over.

He has his arms wrapped tightly around me, and walks through each difficult moment with me. But at the moment, that doesn't feel like enough. I just want healing. I'm tired of messing around. Can you please hear our prayers?

good news/bad news

2010-11-17T14:54:00.000-08:00

I went to the OBGYN at 10 am yesterday morning, and discussed the next steps with the doctor. Basically, she is hopeful tha the type of cysts I have will be reabsorbed. We set up an appointment for an ultrasound at 3 pm, so that we could get the images that she needed to watch the cysts closely.

Marcus and I decided to catch a movie between the two appointments. About mid-way through the movie, I rushed to the bathroom to vomit because of pain. After that, I came back to into the movie, and had already burst into tears...my pain was overwhelming, and I wanted to head to the ER.

Marcus took one look at me, and agreed that we should head to the ER. While I was there, they gave me a bunch of pain and nausea meds, and performed an ultrasound. They found something intersting...I still had 3 ovarian cysts, but they were a different 3 than they knew about the day before. It seems that one of the large ones had ruptured on my left side (leaving fluid and tissue), most likely causing the excruciating pain, and then I had 2 more cysts on my right. (one large one that they knew about before, and then one other small one.)

I'm doing a bit better today, still totally exhausted, but feeling a teensy bit better. I'm headed now for another nap.

Love and hugs,
b

ahh, car salesmen

2010-11-15T07:37:00.000-08:00

Let me begin by saying that Marcus and I have been looking at cars for about 2 weeks now...We've been all over the map about what we want, and how much we're willing to pay for it. We are sharing ownership of a boat that was gifted to Jon & Tammy (Marcus' brother and sister-in-law), and needed to find a vehicle that could tow the weight of it. At that same time, if we were going to be purchasing an even more gas-guzzling car then we already owned, I told Marcus that we were going to have to sell the Jeep and buy a tiny car.

We embarked on a crazy journey of car-shopping, and finally ended up with exactly what we wanted, at the price that we wanted to pay. I actually got so angry yesterday that my lip began to quiver as I was scolding the stupid sales manager at the dealership. I usually reserve my yelling at Marcus, but this guy was ridiculous. He started off with an absurd bid on our trade ($9,000 lower than we ended up with), and was adamant that he couldn't come down on the price of his car (which he did.) By the time the guy was willing to make a deal, Marcus had already sent me to the car to cool off. We drove away, hoping that we could get that same vehicle at a different dealer that we'd had a positive experience with before. However, when we got there, that dealer was only willing to pay us $4000 less than we got at the other place for our trade. Ugh. We left that dealership, frustrated, and ready to yell again.

I practiced by deep breathing, promised Marcus that I would keep my mouth shut, took a phenergan so that I didn't throw up on anyone's desk, and went back to the stupid place where I'd yelled at the man for wasting our time. We signed all the papers, got the exact deal we wanted, and drove away in our shiny, new black Honda Civic. :) We're planning to drive the Jeep through the winter, and then sell in the spring when we find a big Tahoe or Sequoia or something that can tow the boat.

After all that, I want to report that my cold is almost all the way better now. My voice is still a little funny, but I'm not running a fever anymore. I cough a bit here and there, but am feeling much better on that front. My abdominal/pelvic pain is still hanging in there, but I think that the cysts might be resolving on their own. My pain is not as acute as it was, so I'm hoping that I'll get good news today at the doctor.

I'll try to post again this evening or early tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, and what I've found out.

On another note, I want to ask for prayers for the family and friends of Josh Baker. He was a firefighter for Renton who was killed in a car accident on Saturday night, leaving his wife and children behind. Marcus had just worked with him 2 days before, and is having a hard time believing he is really gone. Please keep the City of Renton Fire Department in your prayers, especially holding up his wife and children as they walk through this sudden and difficult loss.

Hugs,
brelin

still not so hot.

2010-11-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

While my cold/flu symptoms seem to be progressing/resolving, it seems that I have a new source of abdominal pain--huge ovarian cysts. My nausea and vomiting have increased in frequency and intensity due to my high pain levels, as well as my flu-like symptoms. I have one ovarian cyst on my left side that is roughly 8 cm total (3.2 inches) and another on my right side that is about 4 cm. No one really knows why they form (or get so big) and are also unsure of why or when they decide to dissipate on their own.

I am hopeful that things will resolve on their own, preferably without surgical intervention... :) I am doing my best to be optimistic about the future. It was sort of nice to know that my abd. pain was within reason, and due to a new symptom that can be treated. Of course, at the doctor's office they have to paint the "worst case scenario" picture. I learned that there is a chance that the cyst would weigh down my ovary, cut off blood supply to it, and basically torque it off--completely disconnecting it. Hence, the doctor warned that I need to be sure to pay attention to my pain, and make sure to hit up the ER if things get really bad. Ugh.

I think that is all. We are still really enjoying our rental house in Enumclaw. The pace of life seems worlds apart from Sammamish, and it really is a breath of fresh air for us. It has been great to get outside for walks in the sunshine this fall--watching the beautiful leaves change in our neighborhood, enjoying and relishing the beauty of creation.

And so we move forward, desperately praying for no surgery, and that I might keep up my health. I have lost a couple of pounds in the last few days, which I think is because of my cold/flu. We trust that God's got this under control, as always. We're just hoping to wake up to a little less excitement sometime. Or, at least excitement of a different kind.

Thanks for your prayers and love.
b

ugh.

2010-11-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to make a quick post to ask for extra prayers today. I am doing much worse than normal, as I have gotten a cold/flu bug. My head, throat, and sinuses are killing me...and my nausea and vomiting have increased so that I'm not even keeping fluids down. It is exhausting.

My color is a beautiful shade of green, and Marcus lovingly reminds me that I look like "death warmed over, but not even really warm." I'm running a fever too, and feel like garbage.

Please pray that this bug passes quickly, and that I start keeping fluids down so that I can avoid a trip to the ER.

Thanks.
b

alright God, I'm on it.

2010-11-08T15:03:00.000-08:00

For a long time now, I have heard that my blog is inspiring to people and that I really should consider writing a book about my experiences. That being said, I didn't have the confidence or the energy to tackle a project that seemed so enormous. I told people that I didn't want to share my story until there is a happy ending.

I was talking with my friend and former colleague, Pr. John, and he suggested that I just start writing. He suggested calling it, "In the Meantime," which I loved immediately. I don't want to feel like I'm spinning my wheels waiting for my happy ending, and so I decided to put pen to paper and embark on this journey.

I decided to start with a devotional for Lent, and perhaps later down the road work on a memoir...

As I have already mentioned, Marcus and I moved to Enumclaw recently. I love our new home, as it is close enough to walk to the downtown area. Marcus was working the other day, and I'd received a coupon in the mail for a free pumpkin spice latte. The sun was shining, so I ventured out with my writing materials in hand to get my free latte, and get some work done on my new project.

I arrived at the Christian book store, and as the man was making my coffee, he asked, "What brings you in today?" I answered that I was working on writing a devotional. He smiled and said, "That's amazing! Congratulations! What is it about?" I told him what my plan was, and then he said, "I only work part-time here. I also work for a publishing company. Here is a flyer on how to get your book published once you are ready. Also, there is a Christian writing community that meets once a month in Bothell. I'll give you that information too!"

And so I walked out with my pumpkin spice latte in hand, amazed by this man, and the way that God worked out that whole situation just so that I could be encouraged about my book-writing beginnings. I'm not sure why I am still amazed when God is so blatant with the reminders of encouragement and love...but I still stand back in awe of just how much He loves me and is willing to speak directly to my heart. And in case I'm not listening all the way, he sends people into my life to remind me what He is all about.

And so the writing of my book continues... :)

When I meet new people, I am often asked, "What do you do?" Most of the time, I feel like answering, "I puke full-time." However, this last time I was asked, I boldly answered, "I'm working on a book."

Please pray for me in the new, and exciting endeavor...And as always, I ask for continued prayers for healing. I continue vomiting daily, and lately have been struggling with dizziness too. Hugs and love to all.
brelin

steve-o

2010-11-02T18:16:00.001-07:00

Steve-O.

The man, the myth, the legend.

I have learned a lot of things from all of my parents, but I thought since it was his birthday today, I would write a little bit about the one we know and love.

"Pops"--as I affectionately refer to him, is quite a guy. He is loyal, fun, and secretly a giant ball of mushy love once you get through his sarcastic bite. He has grown to be one of my favorite people in the world.

He's not my "real" dad, as I used to remind him when I was younger (and much snottier), but he loves me like I am his own. Granted, we don't talk about such things--but I know by the way he checks my blog daily, slyly snuck me a cash spot when I was in college, didn't tattle on me to mom about my gallivanting, and by the times that he has sat by my bedside all night long in the hospital the many times that I have been so ill.

He jokes about me being "someone else's problem"--like Marcus' mainly-- but I know we can count on him if we ever needed anything.

He has "lethal knees", especially with the help of several beers, and can terrorize anyone on the dance floor. The image of him circling and swaying at every family wedding reception is quite a sight to behold. It is one that will be permanently ingrained in all of our memories.

I tell him that the root of my digestive problems stems from the "ice cream incident" when I was 5 and my double-decker cone fell into the parking lot. Steve-o told me to stop crying as he dusted the gravel off my ice cream and returned it to my cone. But really, we both know it was because my mom's floors were too clean and I wasn't exposed to enough germs as a child. :)

I love you, Pops. Happy Birthday!

i made it.

2010-10-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post quickly that my oral surgery went really well. I'm doing better today, mostly off of my pain meds--and my mouth isn't hurting much at all. They somehow managed to do the surgery without needing to stitch me up--so there was nothing to rip out when I puked.

I made it through the whole first day of surgery without vomiting--and have since started again, but nothing in my mouth is bleeding, so I'm taking that to be a good sign. The oral surgeon told me to call if there are any problems...and there don't seem to be any, so I'm in the clear. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm resting up for the big weekend--Halloween parties and such...it should be lots of fun!!

b

resilient

2010-10-26T08:45:00.001-07:00

The word that I've been hearing a lot lately is "resilient." I've heard it in many different contexts, but the message is the same...When I am faced with challenging situations, it can sometimes feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest, stomped on, and then returned to my body--only to be left in a puddle on the floor, exhausted, rejected, and feeling not a bit resilient.

At some point along that journey, God shows up and provides grace. He breathes new life into my scarred body, He injects hope into a situation that seems hopeless, and He whispers gently in my ear, "Be resilient, my child. You can make it! You can keep going; you have the strength to make it through this in MY power."

And so we continue on our in changed lives, walking through times that are filled with sorrow--but equally filled with joy and promises of a brighter future. We walk through the valley, but realize that the sun is shining just around the bend...and so we listen closely to God's guiding, trusting that His plan has brought us this far and won't leave us hanging out to dry on our own.

When the world looks in at this whole journey, they see the person in crisis and call them resilient. I'm not sure if resilient is the right word, because I think it's important to recognize that my strength is not my own. I can't live a day without God and the hope that He provides. I can't imagine a life without knowing there is something after this suffering...something so much bigger and so much better than I can even begin to comprehend.

And so we trust. We look to Psalm 62, and see that we are not alone in this difficult journey. We can take comfort in His promises to us:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

the 'claw

2010-10-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

Marcus and I have made the move into our new house officially. We finished cleaning and painting at the condo in Sammamish on Thursday night, went out to dinner with some good friends, and then have been unpacking and cleaning at our new place in Enumclaw ever since.

We are enjoying our time out in the boonies so far, and are definitely excited to be done unpacking/cleaning/arranging. I feel like the end is in sight--so I just need to stay the course, and hopefully finish sometime before my mom arrives on Thursday.

So far, there is nothing phenomenal to report about my health. I have noticed that I'm vomiting less, but am not sure if that's because we're in Enumclaw, or simply because I'm ingesting less each day. I'll keep you posted on that one.

Beyond that, I have oral surgery to have my wisdom tooth removed on 10/26. I can't believe that:
1) I have a wisdom tooth that just came in and,
2) That I have to have oral surgery. Ugh.

The good news is that I spoke with the oral surgeon didn't seem too worried about me vomiting right after surgery... saying that even if I rip out my stitches right away when puking, he thought everything would be fine because of the size and location of the tooth. My GI doc suggested IV anti-nausea meds during surgery, and told us to keep him posted on how it goes.

One of my favorite parts of living in Enumclaw is that we are super close to our family. We got to go "boo-ing" last night with our nieces and nephews. It was basically like ding, dong, ditch--only you drop off treat bags with a poem. It was adorable watching the kids hit the deck everytime a car drove by--they'd dive face-first into the grass. It was awesome--full of joy and giggling. :)

I'm looking forward to this new adventure that Enumclaw is for us. I pray that God blesses my health while we're out here, and that we'll see a miraculous healing take place any second. :) I trust that God's plan will continue to be revealed to us, as we embark on this new town and these many new adventures. We're excited to see how God will use us in this new community too, and we're ready to learn from the people here as well.

Super duper blessings to all!! And if anyone wants to clean something, come on over... I've got a project for you! :)

Brelin

the big move

2010-10-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have gone surprisingly fast...we have enjoyed time together with family, celebrated the lives of loved ones lost (my uncle, Mike, and my grandma, Sarah), partied it up at my brother & Alyssa's wedding, and made it out alive.

Our biggest news is that we are moving to a house in Enumclaw. We've decided to rent out our condo for a year, and rent a house in Enumclaw to see if we like it out there. We'll be closer to our nieces and nephews--which will be great, and we'll get to be in a house!! We make the big move on Saturday! We're looking forward to starting fresh, and we're praying that I may just be allergic to something in our condo--and that just by moving, I'll stop vomiting. That's our prayer anyway.

Other big news is that in the midst of this busy time, I have developed a problem with my tooth. A wisdom tooth, to be exact, that didn't grow in until I turned 30. While "normal" people get their wisdom teeth, and have them removed in high school or right after high school: clearly, my teeth are late bloomers. I went to the dentist, thinking I had a cavity or something, only to find that it's my wisdom tooth--and it needs to be removed pronto. I go see the oral surgeon on October 14. While my initial response to this news was, "why me, Lord? why something else to deal with?"--I've decided to approach the situation with laughter, and do my best to make some wise-cracks (ha ha!) along the way. The main problem with the wisdom tooth (besides that it really hurts to chew) is that every time I throw up, it feels like my tooth and, in turn, my head are going to explode. Ugh.

I'm not sure if there's much other news to share. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery, making new friends, and hoping for a brighter future full of health and life. :)

Oh, and a funny story to leave you with... It is not news that I puke into ziplock baggies. Recently, I was visiting my parents, and there were people occupying both bathrooms when the urge to vomit struck. Fortunately, I had grabbed a baggie "just in case". I'm running from bathroom to bathroom, baggie in hand, hoping that someone will come out in time. When I realize that I just can't hold it all in a second longer, I burst into the garage and attempt to "hide" between the cars--silently frustrated with my father who never closes the garage door--trying to puke into the tiny baggie I'd brought out, with all the neighbors in plain sight. Meanwhile, my brother and his new wife are out on the street checking out a family friend's new truck. While still silently cursing my father about the open garage, I try to slyly dispose of my puke-filled baggie--while smiling and waving with the other hand to the family friends. I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to hind my baggies of vomit anywhere, and there is no need for my parents to ever close the garage door again. (Well, except for when they are sleeping--for safety, of course.)

Grandma Sarah left us with her confirmation verse, which she could still say in German:
"Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelation 21:10b

Thanks for your inspiration, Grandma, and for the way that you lived your life, free of sickness and death until your last days. I pray that I too can be an example to others, and live my life with my sights set on things that glorify God--rather than the mundane tasks that are so easy to fill our lives with. I hope that I can remain faithful and receive the crown of life too.

1115 days

2010-09-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Well, actually today is the 1116th day of puking. In a row. That is a lot of vomit. People who have the flu or food poisoning more than 3 days feel like they're going to die. And I've been throwing up now for one thousand one hundred and sixteen days.

wow.

Someone asked me to share my faith story for the confirmation students this year. I'm not really sure why that caught me off guard--but it did. I'm never really sure what to say. In many ways, my faith story remains the same. I am flaky, God is constant. I am trusting, God remains faithful and constant. I start to waiver and lose hope, God pulls me closer to His heart, lovingly guides me and remains constant.

Ultimately, that's the beauty of the Lord...His love is unchanged, unwavering, and completely unaffected by our stupid human-ness.

My little grandma Sarah died last Thursday, and I can't help but think of her sitting at God's side, chatting right into His ear, "Now Jesus, since I've got your full attention, let me talk to you about my Brelin..."

1.11.19-09.23.10

2010-09-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Grandma always had time to play. She used to take care of me when I was little, and no matter what she might have been in the middle of--she could always make time for a visit. I remember being at her house when I was 4 or so, and I would push my little yellow shopping cart up and down her hallways purchasing the "goodies" that she'd saved for me...empty milk cartons, cans of soup, and containers of oatmeal.

In that same hallway, we'd do our morning exercises. This mostly consisted of jumping jacks, touching our toes, and lots of laughter. We'd throw some dance moves in too, and I'd try to impress her while I somersaulted my toddler chubbiness down the hall. She'd tell me how I was so talented, and smother me with hugs and kisses.

She was also famous for her baking...I've been standing on a chair by her side for as long as I can remember "helping" her and learning from her. Mind you, I use the term "helping" very loosely. Just in the last year, I was finally able to master Grandma's infamous pumpkin roll (on my second try.) She coached me over the phone as I was trying to make the dish at my house in Seattle. I finally finished it with her help. I brought it over for Christmas dinner, and she pronounced it excellent. It was the biggest and best compliment I could receive.

Her faith was remarkable. It was real, and deep--unwavering, and she held Jesus close to her heart. During WWII, all in one week her family received notice that three of her brothers were MIA in Europe. Even then, in the midst of fear and faced with a profound sense of loss, she clung tightly to her faith. She worshipped regularly, was always praying for her family, and studied her bible in church and at the hall. I used to come to Bible study with her, and this would result in great conversations after. We'd talk and laugh about just how much God loves us.

Grandma had an adventurous spirit, and went after life with spunk and zest. She loved to play games with her friends, sharing in their lives with laughter and joy. She always had a kind word for others, and was a tremendously hard-worker. She was quiet about her wild stories though, and we didn't realize just how much fun she'd had until we were going through her photos with her. :)

She was a fantastic seamstress, making me beautiful homecoming and prom dresses. She hemmed my wedding dress for me, and would always dote on me through each project, making sure each seam was perfect regardless of how much sleep she lost or how many times she had to re-do it.

She was a devoted wife, a loving mother, and the best grandmother anyone could ever hope for. I love you, Grandma. Say hi to Jesus for me, and put in a good word for us up there.

slippery elm

2010-09-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

When someone says the word, "gruel" I conjure images in my mind of a slightly emaciated green-tinged woman with a wart on her nose, hovering over large black cauldron simmering on an open flame. She is stirring her concoction with a dilapidated broom handle. Obviously, this word, "gruel" does not send me running to the kitchen to enjoy a second batch associated with that word.

I went to the naturopath this past week. He had some interesting things to say and try. This is my third naturopath, and this one seems much more scientifically rooted, especially compared to the last one who made me wear green glasses, and listen to his assistant play the tone of 'G' on a tuning fork while we discussed my deeply-rooted issues with my mother. (Clearly a story for another day, and side note: I love my mother and have no issues with her. I insisted this was true, and the doctor kept asking--"well, what is causing your vomiting then?" I said, "that's why I'm here." ugh.)

Anyway, this new naturopath seems much more medically valid, and prescribed several different vitamins and supplements to try. One of these includes one cup of a "gruel of slippery elm." First imagine something the texture of mucus and/or slug slime, then imagine an entire cup full of this hideous substance served cold. Finally, imagine that it tastes like you hacked off a chunk of tree bark from your front yard, ground it up, started gnawing on it, and then it became the texture of snot. Sound delicious? Yah, it wasn't really.

I do enjoy a few cups of ginger tea a day. They don't seem to be helping my nausea, but I don't mind the flavor. Everything is better than slippery elm. :)

I go back for a follow-up appointment next week, and then also have an appointment with Dr. Patterson to learn more about the gastric pacemaker. My weight is up, and I seem to doing well. I'm back to exercising--still puking all day long, but holding weight okay.

We're looking forward to Andy & Alyssa's wedding this coming weekend. (I can't believe my little brother is old enough to get married!!)

Hugs to all,
brelin

my current musings

2010-09-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that I'd never really considered before I was sick. Either it was because I didn't have time, or perhaps because they weren't really worth considering. Regardless, I have already wasted my time thinking about them, so I thought I'd throw them onto the blog. Here are a sampling of the things I've learned (in no particularly useful order.)

Here goes nothing.

1. Jamba Juice. They have a secret menu that includes flavors like pink starburst, and white gummy bear. You can order them just by asking, and they are delicious.
2. You can substitute 1 cup of milk with 1 tsp. lemon juice for 1 c. of buttermilk in recipes. I'm not sure why I didn't know this before, but now I do.
3. Something to think on: why don't more rich people smoke?
4. How did the corn dog get its name?

I think that's enough things for you to ponder for today.
This past week was full of fun. We went to the Evergreen State Fair in Monroe, hence the corn dog and smoking questions. We also went to watch the Seattle Sounders play soccer. It was super fun!!

I got to see my friend, Tami, and her daughter, Evan. We made baby food.
Marcus and I picked blueberries in North Bend with Jim & Carol, and then went out to lunch with them.
We also played tennis, and took naps.

Coming up this week, we've got some wild adventures ahead...
Tomorrow morning I go see a new doctor, a different naturopath who also specializes in gastroenterology and botany. Sounds interesting, eh?

And, then in the afternoon, we're off to an ob/gyn for an annual appointment. I won't delve into the details of the "annual appointment", but let's just say I'm not really looking forward to it.

On Friday, Sarah(my sister) and Sarah (her friend) arrive and we'll be playing all weekend in Seattle. Then we'll enjoy a Dave Matthews concert in the Gorge, before they fly back to the east coast. It should be wild time.

more fun

2010-08-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning, Marcus got off work after not having slept much the night before. I was not feeling good. As you might remember from past entries, this is not necessarily a good combination. Fortunately, my stomach pain subsided relatively early in the day, and I was able to function well. We headed out for our fun weekend ahead. It began in Fife with a softball tournament for Marcus. It was single-elimination, and they lost in the first game. Normally, this would be very disappointing. But, it was okay this time because it meant that we got to go out to our next adventure on the ferry earlier than we'd thought!

Marcus and I got to have more fun adventures this weekend on Whidbey Island. We took the ferry over, and shared a house with some friends. There were lots of amazing conversations, really good farkel (the dice game) playing, and sunshine to enjoy. We sat by the campfire and made s'mores, talked about how to make the world a better place, contemplated the importance of Christian community, discussed how everyone else's life always looks way better than our own on facebook, and decided that we should go to Greece in the summer of 2011.
And that was just on Saturday!!

On Sunday, we slept in and then giggled after eating a delicious breakfast. We had an adventuresome romp on the beach, it was originally going to be a romantic walk on the beach, but we ended up doing nothing romantic, so we renamed it. We ended up finding sand dollars and spent time checking out mini crabs crawling under the water. We squished the sand between our toes in the surprisingly warm water, and looked at clams and fishies. Then we came back to the house and played corn hole. Although I did not win at corn hole, I still enjoyed myself immensely. After corn hole, we went to rent tandem bikes, thinking that riding a bicycle built for two would be the perfect way to end the weekend--but the bike shop was closed. So we went wine tasting instead. That was delicious and fun, and we found a giant chess board outside that Marcus and Tad played each other on.

All in all, it was a super fun weekend. I was puking the whole time, but it was so much fun that I didn't mind.

date day!! (rated R for language. sorry, its the true life version)

2010-08-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

Date day was laughingly re-named "D-day" at Happy Hour this evening while I regailed my friend, Michelle, with my stories from yesterday. Please read the following post with a beer in your hand, or at least some kind of unhealthy snack in your lap--and feel free to laugh out loud. I did, right after I cleaned up. :)

Yesterday, I got up and went to YOGA because i was feeling so good! It's the first time since the fainting episodes that I've allowed myself to participate in any physical activities. My ankle and knee are doing better, and I thought I'd give class a shot, since it was Thursday, and the instructor is pretty chill for the Thursday class.

When I got home, it had just started raining (boo!), so Marcus asked me if I wanted to go see a movie. I excitedly said, "YES! Let's make it DATE DAY today!" So, I ran and changed my clothes, did my hair, primping properly for the festive day ahead. Marcus cleaned up the kitchen while I was getting ready, and then we left for the movie.

We went to see the movie, "The Other Guys." It was hilarious. It has Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, which is funny to me in and of itself. Anyway, the movie was laugh out loud funny. I had a coupon for free popcorn (which was awesome) so we ate popcorn at the movie-- and then I threw up in the middle of some important part, but Marcus caught me up. Don't worry, that's not the funny part of the story. :)

So, then we went to Coho Cafe for some lunch/dinner because we had a gift certificate that we needed to use. Marcus ate calamari. I ordered a BBQ Chicken Quesadilla, ate half, and gave the rest to Marcus. He had a Tokyo Tea, and became a little intoxicated...which was really funny. Then we walked over to Fred Meyer, picked up some groceries so that we could bake some bread--and then headed home.

We made cinnamon chip bread from scratch when we got home, while we munched on fresh-picked blueberries that we picked on Wednesday and we watched Alias season 4 on DVD. This is when date day started to go downhill. First, the loaf of bread burned. (bummer)

The biggest problem, though, is that in the middle of Alias, I had to run to the bathroom to pee. I was literally in the middle of peeing when I began to projectile vomit across the green bathroom. At that same moment, in my mind the best remedy to the situation was to put my hand in front of the stream of vomit to "catch it". However, this merely redirected the puke immediately into my right eye. So now imagine, bright purple puke all over the green wall, the white floor, the clue bath mat, my clothes, dripping down my legs and arms, in my hair, on both my hands, and now in my eye. And I'm still peeing.

My eye is burning. I think that I'm yelling for Marcus to come in and help me.
Instead, I am just yelling, "SH*T! SH*T!" over and over again.
Eventually, Marcus comes running into the bathroom, sees the disaster and asks what he should do. Meanwhile, the stench of purple puke is rumenating and Marcus plugs his nose and backs out of the bathroom. "Do you want a towel?" he says from the hallway.
"Yah, I just want to get the puke out of my eye." Next, I accusatorially ask what took him so long to get into the bathroom.
He says, "You didn't ever call me, you just kept saying,'SH*T, SH*T'. I wasn't sure if you needed me."

This story is much funnier now that everything is all cleaned up. Here is a shameless plug for a cleaning product too: Grandma's Stain Remover. It's amazing. It's for your laundry and can get out BBQ quesadilla and blueberry stains from the same shirt all without bleaching your clothes. Amazing.

I hope the next date day ends a little more calmly. :) At least this one made for a good story, I guess. And I'm sure that bathroom wall needed a thorough cleaning anyway, right?

wave after wave

2010-08-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

When things are tough in Pukeville, it's easy to get discouraged. When I find myself rinsing my metal puke bowl out more times than I care to in a day, it's easy to get frustrated. Sometimes I can't even sit still long enough to make it through church. Yesterday was one of those days.

We made it up until the passing of the peace, and by then I had thrown up three times already. I didn't want to sit still anymore, and I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone. So Marcus and I slipped out the back. We did get to hear the sermon before we left, and it was good. It was a helpful reminder that "faith is what happens when ______." It's not necessarily when things are hunky dory, it's about how we respond when things are tough.
The sermon also stressed the important role that the church plays in supporting one another when we're too puny to walk on our own. Pr. John reminded us that we say the creed, (our statement of faith), together, aloud--and sometimes "for" eachother. I'm thankful for the times when I was able to say it for others, and I'm thankful for the times that people are supporting me with their faithfulness now.

When in the land of Pukeville, it seems like endless waves of destruction, fear, and they never seem to end. Marcus and I went to Los Cabos with some friends before I got super sick in 2007. While we were there, I was stuck in the surf, close to shore, but unable to get out; getting pelted with wave after wave. I couldn't get out of the water with my own strength. I was beaten, tossed about, thrown underwater, lost my bearings, and couldn't tell which way was up. I feel like that sometimes after I've been puking all day too. I lay there on the bathroom floor wondering if I've done something wrong, or I have not been trusting God enough with ____. I feel disoriented, discouraged, and not really knowing which way to turn.

Then, God always gives a little hope. Enough joy. A whisper of cheer. A gentle reminder to keep going...to keep trusting...that healing will come.

He calls to me, as He calls to you. Walk with me, this way, He says.

freedom!

2010-08-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

It seems that my medical issues have been worked out for now... the doctor's appointment went well on Monday of last week. All of my lab work looks good, even my pre-albumin which checks my nutritional levels were good. They ran an EKG to check my heart as well, and that was normal. The only thing that was borderline low was my thyroid function, but it wasn't low enough that the doctor wanted to do anything about it.

I had been on a couple of medications to dull nerve pain and make me hungry, one of which they believe to be the culprit of my fainting episodes. The doctor reduced my dose significantly on Monday, and then pulled me completely off the med when I was still a little dizzy on Wednesday. Friday I didn't have much of a problem at all, and today seems to be going well so far.

I'm looking forward to a good week of Seattle sunshine, and lots of time by the pool with fun friends! Hugs to all.
brelin

beautiful disaster

2010-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

The last few days, I should have stayed away from all sources of film and media as a general precaution. Here's why:

1. On Wednesday afternoon, I was whitewater rafting on the Deschutes River. We were tackling the Big Eddy Thriller for the 5-zillionth time in a row, this time all of posing for the photos that we knew they were taking--rather than paddling at the appropriate time. This caused my half of the boat to fly into the boat, pushing the other half of the boat almost out--and causing my bikini bottoms to fall somewhere down below their desired location on my hips. See picture below. The man with the hat is our guide. The guy in front of him is Marcus. I am underneath Marcus' legs with my pants down, but my foot still securely in place so as not to fall out of the boat.

Fortunately, when we received our family copy of the photos, the rafting company had edited out the parts where I was pulling up my pants. Note that in the picture below, we have all returned to our proper locations with paddles in hand. This clearly took a while.

2. The second media mishap of the week occurred when I was cheering for my nieces and nephews while they were playing tennis. Jim, my father-in-law, happened to be videotaping the whole thing, and thus caught the incident on camera. This one isn't quite as funny because it was a bit more serious, and the cause is still unknown--but it's still a little humourous that he got it on film. So, I'm the blue and white blob that runs up to the fence on the far right. I fainted for some reason, and sprained my ankle. I hurt my arm too. Marcus took me to the ER to make sure nothing was broken, and they gave me some fluids too. Here's the video:

3. The next day, I did some shopping with the girls in Bend, and I fainted again. This time, I fell into a clothes rack in a hipster little shop. It was really embarrassing (again). I rolled my same ankle, but fortunately didn't hit my head either time. I have an appointment to see my GI doctor on Monday, and suspect that I'll have a million tests to find out what's going on with my body chemistry--because clearly something is amiss.

4. The good news is that I'm really not feeling all that bad. I've been keeping fluids down well, and peeing--so it seems like I'm not really dehydrated. And I've even kept down some food the last couple of days...so I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm a little frustrated, and borderline discouraged because I can't be left alone, and I can't drive...and now I can't even really walk because my ankle is swollen and sore. Ugh. I just keep thinking that one day I'll wake up and this will all be over...

5. The even better news is that I am so loved. I am so blessed by family, and when I start feeling sorry for myself--I think about those who do not get to experience the love that I feel each day. I am shown God's love through my family and friends, through the giggles and play of my nieces and nephews--and through the tender care of my spouse. God has blessed me so abundantly, and has given me the strength to get through this nightmare of puking, fainting, and pain. He has given me the courage to battle through, and is now giving me the wisdom to know when I need to humble myself and ask for help.

I trust that all things are done is His time, and according to His plan--I just hope that His plan might include healing soon. I'd be a fan.

brelin

33 things

2010-07-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have a delightful friend named Kristin. I'm blessed with a lot of really terrific people in my life, but Kristin is one friend who literally brings tears (of laughter) to my eyes every time I see her. We were discussing the some of her co-workers and how they were creating lists of things that they hoped to accomplish by the time they were 25...as if that were old. We were realizing that if we were to create our cutesy lists, we'd have to come up with "33 things to do by the time we're 33." It doesn't have quite the same ring to it, but I think we're going to go for it anyway. I'll let you know some of the highlights once that comes together. :)

Marcus and I are headed off tomorrow for the Rismiller Family Vacation. We go to Sun River each year, pile everyone into one big house, and have a blast. It's a lot of quality of family time, and by the end of the week--everyone's pretty exhausted. It really is such a blessing that we all get along so well, and when asked the nieces and nephews couldn't decide if they liked family vacation or Disneyland better--so that helped put things in perspective about how important this trip is. I have no picc line and no feeding tube this year, so I'm looking forward to white water rafting and perhaps the Paulina plunge. I'll be sure to keepyou posted on those.

My brother, Andy, and his fiance, Alyssa, are having a wedding shower at my parent's house in Tri-Cities too--so that's going to be a blast as well. We're looking forward to seeing them and their wedding is coming up in just over a month!

My health seems to be hanging in there for now... I had some weird numbness and tingling yesterday, but it went away and I'm doing well today. I'm still puking, but my weight is stable, and has stayed in the 100's! We love all of your prayers and encouragement, and we thank you for your love.
brelin

longer than first lutheran.

2010-07-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

I realized yesterday, that I have been vomiting for a longer period of time than the amount of time that I held my first job out of college. Immediately after graduation, I got a job working as a youth director at First Lutheran Church in Kennewick. It was an amazing job, rather, a calling--where I believe I helped to shape the faith lives of many young people there. I was also young myself, and learned a great deal from that whole experience. In my first month alone, we worked through September 11--and what that meant to us as a nation, as well as young people in a Christian community. I was reflecting back on all the kids and fun that we had just the other day, as I was home visiting with one of the old youth group kids. :) I worked at the church in Kennewick from 9/01-6/04. And, I've been vomiting now 9/07-07/10. Longer. More puking than my first job.

This has caused me to reflect a great deal over the past 24 hours about how I am living now. For a long time, I have been thinking only: "As soon as I get better, I'll be able to affect people this way..." or "When I'm well, I'll be able to return to ministry..." or "When I'm digesting better, I will be sure to do _____." However, I seem to be in this holding pattern of puke. And, while wellness is obviously a good and worthwhile goal, it is important for me to live my life faithfully now. I can't keep waiting for wellness before I allow God to use me. I have to be ready for Him to use me now.

As a society, I believe that we get so caught up in getting ready for what's next. When you're single, you're always looking forward to getting married. Once you're married, people are always asking about when you're going to have kids. I'm not sure what happens after you have kids, because we haven't had any yet, but I'm sure there's something else that you're worrying about... We never really stop to take time and enjoy the phase of life that we're in. We need to rest comfortably in God's love, content in knowing that He has us right where He wants us... and that He'll move us along when He's good and ready.

I'm confident that God will use me and my vomit today. I'm not sure what He's doing in me or through me, but I trust that He's got me right where He wants me to be right now. He's holding me close and reminding me to keep my eyes right on Him.

This past week, I had the opportunity to spend time with my Grandma Sarah in the Tri-Cities. We had a terrific time laughing together and looking through old photos. We also worked hard to re-decorate my mom's backyard while she was away! I think we did a great job!! :)

When I got home, Marcus and I attempted to do an overnight hike to Lake Ann (near Mt. Baker), but ended up coming home after a few hours of hiking around and playing in the snow because I was a little too unsteady on my feet. We did have a terrific time getting down the mountain--Marcus glissading, and me sledding on my bottom with my backpack on. It was a sight to behold. :) We're learning to adjust to life with illness, and sometimes that means coming home even when you really don't want to.

Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I think the meds are helping me. I am keeping liquids down everyday, and some food down most days. There have even been one or two days when I didn't throw up at all. Awesome. Here's a picture from the hike:

running. tennis?

2010-07-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days, I have gotten to do two things that I enjoy. One is go running. This is the first time in several months that I had enough energy to run. anywhere. It was awesome. And while I was running, I ran into some of my Young Life girls--which was super fun, and I got to rest in the middle while chatting! (awesome)

And this afternoon, when the sun peeked it's head through the clouds, Marcus and I went to play some tennis!! This is the first time that I've had enough energy to do this in months too!

I'm thrilled!

Now, don't get crazy, thinking that I've made a full overnight recovery. I am still puking several times each day. But I really think that I am managing to keep much more food down each day, and fluids are also staying in much more consistently. I am hopeful that I can enjoy this new "not struggling to stay out of the hospital" version of myself for a while. It's much more pleasant. :)

Thanks for all of your love and sunshine-y thoughts,
brelin

terrible at blogging

2010-07-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I have been terrible at keeping you updated lately. I have been really busy doing lots of fun things, which is good--since that means I've had enough energy to do fun things!! :)

I would say that overall, I've trended towards improvement. I'm keeping a little bit of food down some days, and keeping liquids down most days. This is a vast improvement from where I was one month ago. I'm pleased with this progress. I've been able to get out of the house everyday, and play with my friends--which has been lots of fun too!!

Mentally, I'm doing much better as well. My friend, Rebecca, was visiting from Hong Kong this past week, and we got to spend lots of time together--which was awesome. Marcus and I also went camping to Sun Lakes in eastern WA, and just returned home last night. It was sunny and warm, and I'm LOVING it.

There have been a couple of days in the past week where I have gone almost all day without throwing up--which is HUGE. I'm so thankful for this reprieve from constant nausea and pain. Marcus and I were recalling that it was last July when I was feeling "healthy"--so perhaps it is something miraculous about the month? Another thing that I noted, is that I'd been taking zinc supplements trying to avoid a cold that Marcus had. My thought was that perhaps that is helping my nausea and vomiting as well? So, I've continued taking them, since they seem to be helping.

Loads of hugs to all,
brelin

no news is good news?

2010-07-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

Mostly, I guess... there is nothing to new to share. Except that it is finally summer at my house. So I have literally been outside as much as humanly possible. And doing my best to stay hydrated. There are some people in Seattle complaining that it's "too hot." I think they are ridiculous. Unless they are old and without air conditioning or menopausal. I feel like those are legitimate reasons to complain.

Since my last entry, I have been busy with lots of things. I was feverishly writing letters to send my Young Life girls off to camp with, since I was not able to attend with them. This was quite a lot of work... and took a lot longer than I had anticipated. But I was able to get it all done, and I'm really looking forward to hearing all of their stories when they get back.

Marcus and I also went to the Tri-Cities and spent a couple days with my parents and my little grandma, Sarah. She has recently moved in with them, and is having some pretty significant health issues. She is 91 years old and currently makes me look chubby. :) Grandma and I had a great time going through old photos together, and her telling me stories from the 1930's and 1940's. It was wonderful!

We got back to Seattle to celebrate a rainy 4th of July with the Rismiller's, roasting hot dogs in a drizzle in the backyard, and then lighting fireworks off in the cold. It was fun, but freezing. Summer (FINALLY) arrived on the 6th of July here in Sammamish. I celebrated by spending the day at the pool. I have made it a point to go to the pool at least one hour every day since then just on sheer principle. :) It is glorious to wake up to SUN finally, and I feel like I'm in heaven.

My health remains fairly ridiculous, and it's been almost a month now since I've gotten out of the hospital. I will call the doctor next week and set up an appointment to follow-up and see what I should be doing, if anything, differently than I am doing now. My weight seems to have plateaued, which is good, and my fluid levels seem to be good. I'm not feeling dizzy for the most part, although when I do get dizzy it comes on very suddenly--so you could pray that the dizziness stops.

A good friend is home from China for a bit, and we have been spending as much time as possible together! It's such a joy to have her back--and I've missed her so much!! :) I'll try to post some fun pictures of our adventures together next time.

My verse of the week is this: Your love has given me great joy and encouragement. Philemon 1:7

I hope you are all experiencing joy and encouragement today!
Love and hugs to all.
brelin

walking with God.

2010-06-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a Bible study with some friends from college. This past week, I was reading something about how often times when we pray we ask God to bless us. We ask for God to join us on all of our journeys, plans, and events that we've got booked for the next 3-5 years. However, this may not be the best way to pray at all. It would be so much better for me to ask if I could walk with God each day, rather than asking Him to walk with me. He's always longing to be with me, that's not the issue--but isn't it so much better for me to be seeking His footsteps to follow? Um, yes. :)

Yesterday, our friends were over with their daughter again, learning to swim in the pool. She was horribly afraid to get off of the stairs, afraid of what might happen when she could no longer touch the ground, even though she was wearing her life jacket and her daddy and Marcus were both close at hand. So too, we are often paralyzed with fear-- afraid to step out in faith for whatever might be next.

God promises to offer a "lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path."-psalm 119:105 I take this to mean He's going to shed just enough light for us to take one step with certainty. We can confidently plod along, one step at a time.

He'll let us know just what the next step might be, where and when we need to take it. Yesterday was tough, but I promise to be with you, Brelin. Take a step.
Today was tough, I hear your cries for healing, and I love you. Take a step.
Tomorrow, I'm praying that God's made the footsteps in the sand really deep for me already, so that they're really easy for me to follow, and...S-

put in his place.

2010-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Our friend, Abby, came over with her 3-year-old, Kenzi, and her little boy, Ty, the other night for dinner. Marcus was playing on the back patio with Kenzi, checking out the flowers, the birds, and the sunshine. Our neighbors came home, and we heard Kenzi's very loud chirpy voice say,
"Hi! I'm Kenzi! And this, (pointing to Marcus, with an emphatic pause) is my PONY."

Abby and I were inside chatting, but heard the whole thing and we just about died laughing. What do you say after that?! :)

I'm still doing reasonably well. Yesterday was pretty rough, but today seems to be going better. Thanks for your prayers, and love.
brelin

a western washington confession

2010-06-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's official. I've become "one of them." Yesterday, Marcus and I went to the pool at our condo, stretched out our towels and basked in the glorious rays of sunshine. It was a mere 71 degrees. We didn't brave the frigid waters of the pool, we just sat and read our books trying to absorb natural light. Ahhh, how far I've strayed from my eastern Washington youth. My mom used to have a rule that we couldn't even ask to wear shorts if it wasn't above 60 degrees. And I wasn't allowed to go swimming unless it was over 80. I think if I waited for 80 degrees in Seattle to go swimming, I might never go swimming. EVER.

I also have to report another horrific Western Washington moment. It happened yesterday evening when I ran outside onto the back patio in my bare feet to put the cover on the bbq, as I was muttering under my breath about why Marcus hadn't done it already...when something cold and squishy touched my toe and I gasped/squeeled/pulled my foot off whatever it was and started doing a freakish dance on the back porch until I found the culprit--a slug. SICK. I touched a slug with my clean, bare foot. egh. I came running into the house and could barely speak I was so disgusted. Finally I got the whole story out, and told Marcus that we needed to move to where it was warm, sunny, and where there are no slugs. This place is clearly awful. No wonder I'm puking!! (just kidding)

Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of little stories before I got to the medical report.

I'm keeping down fluids much more consistently I think. I don't feel like I'm teetering on the edge of destruction so much anymore, BUT I am feeling the side effects of my medications quite a bit. Read: I get dizzy frequently from them. I am doing my best to adjust to this new way of life, but it's hard to slow down, and not do "fun" things. I'm also not driving far consistently because of the meds, which is a little frustrating, as I'm having to depend on others...but it's minor in the scheme of things.

My friend, Michelle and I, went to Crossroads Church in Bellevue this morning. The pastor in his sermon said, "If your pain and illness is for God's glory, than it's all worth it, right?" I found myself nodding. I guess that's a good sign. I'm not really sure what God's doing with all this vomiting, but I sure hope He's being glorified in and through it all.

because somehow this makes sense?

2010-06-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, after a fun-filled day of rafting Marcus came home and was hungry. We walked to the Farmer's market, and got some Asparagus and yummy cherries. We threw the asparagus on the grill, and he ate the cherries as an appetizer. I thought I'd make some teriyaki chicken and rice to round out the meal. It looked really good, and I was super hungry, so I thought I'd eat some. I figured, worse case scenario, I would just throw it up. But, guess what happened instead?! I totally kept it all down!!! It was amazing!

I'm still shocked.

:) I'm pretty sure I just quadrupled my caloric intake for the month.

And, to top it all off, it's been sunny in Seattle for 3 days in a row. I think I'm in heaven.

Love
brelin

doing good with liquids!

2010-06-21T18:00:00.001-07:00

I'm doing REALLY well with liquids today. Yay! Thank you, Jesus. :)

Awesome.

I just wanted to post this super fun news so that you can all celebrate this evening.

brelin

ignoring the doctor, and other new things.

2010-06-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

First of all, happy Father's Day to all of my pops out there: Dad, Dad, and Dad-in-law. I love you all!! Thanks for the love, support, and witty remarks that have helped to shape me all these years. You are all such a delightful blessing to me.

Secondly, I want to state, for the record that I am not typically a rebel. I abide by laws, rules, and regulations for the most part. I have almost always obeyed authority figures, and I still even feel a little guilty when I don't tell the whole truth to my mother. That being said, I blatently disregarded the advice of my physician on Friday. I had called the doc again, after a follow-up phone call from the hospital reminded me of my need to make an appointment. While speaking with the nurse about the care I received a week ago, she prompted me to call the GI doc again, and let him know that my success and progression through the land of "full liquids" was leaving a little something to be desired. I called to ask him what I should do.

The doctor (via his really nice nurse) told me that I needed to get my butt back to the hospital, where he could put another NG tube in, and let my bowels rest for a substantially longer period this time. So that we could "do it right this time." I told them that I appreciated their concern, and that I REALLY did not want to go to the hospital again, and I certainly did not want another NG tube. So, instead, the doc called in a couple of new meds for me to try at home.

I have felt really naughty all weekend, knowing that I "broke" the rules by not listening to the doctor. In my defense, Marcus said that I didn't have to do what the doctor said this time, and that only I really know how bad I feel. I told him that I didn't feel bad enough to go to the hospital...so we had ice cream cones, and went for a walk instead.

I'm still vomiting most everything, but there seem to be little glimmers of hope every so often. I kept down half a container of yogurt the other day, and today, I've digested some cereal. Just enough to keep me guessing, it seems. I think that I'm doing a little better with fluids today too, so that is positive. My BP is still running pretty low (I assume, since I've been more dizzy than normal), we believe it's a low volume issue. The only answer to that problem is to keep more fluids down...which is going to happen soon.

Me and my little rebellious spirit are off to bed now :). Thank you all for your prayers.
brelin

sloooooooooooooooooowly

2010-06-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at doing anything slowly. I don't like to wait, and I'm impatient when I'm not good at things right away.

I am not good at digesting. This is frustrating, and something that I have to re-learn to do, at a pain-stakingly SLOW rate. I can't gulp, I have to sip. I can't run, I have to walk. I can't go from the downward dog position in yoga class to standing straight up without getting dizzy and feeling faint.

I also like to have plans and make plans. This is something else that I need to re-learn to let go of. I can't meet my friend to chat when I can't drive because the room is spinning around me. This is also frustrating.

I KNOW that God has a plan for me, and it's much better than my own plan. It PROMISES this is Jeremiah. However, I often wish that God would include me on the next memo about WHERE and WHEN the plan might be taking place, and all that it entails. I want to look forward to whatever it is that is going to be. Unfortunately, that is not how it seems to be working. Instead of looking ahead to the future, God is asking me, "Brelin, will you be faithful to me right now? Right here, in this time, when you are too weak to go at life in your own power? Will you allow ME to be your strength?"

I think that is what I'm wrestling with the most right now. I can't just be stubborn and get through this battle. I have to, again and again, release my will and uncurl my fingers that are tightly trying to grasp at control--and let God have the authority in my life, in this disease, and in all of my plans for the future.

Yes, Lord. I will trust you today. I will ask for help when I need it. I will not try to muscle my way through the healing process. I will give myself grace when I need to rest. I will relinquish control and authority over my body, this horrific disease that I'm fighting, and all of my plans for the future. And, God, just one more thing...please help me to remember that I said all this tomorrow, when I try to take it back. :)
Amen.

cautiously optimistic

2010-06-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

I remain cautiously optimistic about my health. I'm throwing up much less often than I was previously, but I have not stopped vomiting completely. I feel like this is good progress, although it is not the ultimate goal, of course.

I'm working through a bible study with some of my friends from college. We skype in together to discuss the week prior. I managed to fall dreadfully behind, and was dutifully trying to catch up before we have our "meeting" tonight. I started out reading the story where God says, "I am the Potter, you are the Clay." It's really a nice analogy, thinking of how God shapes us and molds us to something beautiful and whole. However, it takes a lot of getting mushed and smashed for us to get there. I know, and trust, that God can use all of this suffering that I'm going through to His glory. I just wish I knew how long that it would all continue. I remain in His hands, and hope that this transitional process will go smoothly, and I pray that it might be over soon. I think back to my own dreadful ashtray creations in elementary school, molded proudly out of clay, for my mom who doesn't smoke. I hope that God will treat me much more gently, and that I will be tasked with a higher purpose than the paperweight I made. :)

It's wonderful to be home. My bed has never been more comfortable than it is right now. It is a privelege and a blessing too, to have a loving husband by my side, who gently comforts me as the nights are long and full of pain.

Thank you to all of you who read and pray faithfully for me. You are a blessing.
brelin

home. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

2010-06-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

It seems that the horrible NG tube worked some magic on "retraining" my stomach. I was released from the hospital after being puke-free for 2 days. (yes!!) So far, I've taken in a small nonfat yogurt container, and 3 bites of cream of wheat. Water is staying down with small sips also.

Before I left the hospital, he upped my NG tube drip to 40 mL/hour, which is a couple of Tablespoons per hour. So I just have to eat that slowly and carefully for the next week or two until things get under control and my body thinks "digest" rather than "puke".

He's put me on some drugs that make me a little dopey, but just in the morning, so I can live with that.

I'm cautiously reporting that I feel okay today. Not terrific, but do-able.

I guess that is a good start. :)
brelin

hey there race fans!

2010-06-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm actually writing with pleasant news today!! While Dr. Schneier was optimistic abour the NG tube feed, I was less than excited about it. However, it seems to actually be working! They doubled the amount of "food' they were giving me, so it's like I'm digesting 40 mL per hour. That's a few bites every hour! I haven't actually tried with food, and I'm anxious to get out of the hospital. I agreed to stay until Friday, at the doctor's urging. Side note: apparantly the NG is not supposed to be uncomfortable. Perhaps I'm a big whimp, but this thing hurts really badly. Not to mention, that I vaguely resemble an elephant, with a large trunk and a little body.

Last night after the doctor knocked me out with some amazing medicine, I slept well; until the nurses start grabbing stuff from all around me and say, "you have to move." It is 1:30 am. Really? They couldn't have figured this all out during the normal waking hours? Hmph. It was rough getting back to sleep, but I was able to sleep in a bit.

Well, tomorrow's the day of freedom!! Sorry, Maya, that we had to miss your party! Maybe we can see you really soon to give you your presence!

Lots of love, and pray for sleep and healing--
brelin

wednesday and the epigastric tube

2010-06-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

This morning, Dr. Schneier was less than impressed by my progress. Meaning: he has decided to completely remove me from everything by mouth, and slowly drip antiseptic and 1 T. of nutritonal drink each hour through an epigastric tube. For those of you not schooled on medical lingo, and epigastric tube is a small tube that runs up your nose, down the back of your throat, and into your stomach. For those of you who have experienced this, it is one of the most painful procedures that you can have. The doc is hoping this will retrain my stomach, as there will constantly be food in it that it will have to get used to. Perhaps by overwhelming the stomach, the food will just vote to go down and digest instead.

I'm really having a hard time battling the mental aspect of pain and nausea today. Please pray that my body does not reject the tube feeding, and that I might be healed completely with this procedure. Also, please pray that my spirits will be lifted, and that I will feel God's peace and comfort today especially.

Addendum

2010-06-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Since my super-optimistic entry from this morning, I have been completely unable to keep anything down...liquids, jello, and my meds included.

My pain levels are atrocious, and vomiting is again out of control. My nurse paged the doctor this afternoon to see if I could switch back to some of my nausea/pain meds by IV. He said "no", since I wanted to get out of here soon.

Ugh. I'm a little frustrated with myself for being so ambitious. Don't worry, Marcus has scolded me properly for jumping the gun. (*just for the record, he thinks "counseled" is a better word than "scolded".)

the update,

2010-06-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well, lots of things have happened over the past 24 hours, and things seem to finally be heading in the right direction...

Yesterday morning, Dr. Schneier (my GI doc) changed up my whole regimen of medication, and started me on 6 new drugs. One steroid to increase my cortizone. One med to protect the lining of my stomach and intestines. Nitroglycerine patch to relax my intestines, and help with the pain. A low level anti-depressant at bedtime to help me sleep, make me hungry, and relax the spasming. This was all in addition to a bunch of other anti-nausea meds, and a pain pump.

I continued vomiting all day and night, and then went to bed. I made it through the entire night without throwing up!! He removed my pain medicine pump last night, and I tolerated that ok.

This morning I had a couple of bites of cereal and threw it up, BUT have only puked once this whole day, and it's already 12:30!! Yay!! I am feeling a little cranky today, and am sort of anxious to go home, so I'm thinking this is all a good sign. Up until today, I've been content languishing in the hospital bed. This morning, I cleaned up my room, re-organized my stuff in he room, and had some fun visitors.

Dr. Schneier just came in, and I asked about being able to go home. He's going to switch me to all oral medications and see how I do. He's lowering my TPN to just 1 L per day, in hopes that will increase my appetite. He's also increasing the dose of nortripylene at bedtime, so hopefully I will sleep a bit better. He increased my dose of marinol (an anti-nausea drug like marijuana) too. If I tolerate all of this well, and seem to be stable--he said I might get to go home tomorrow!

I think that is all. Phew! I'm tired after reporting all that. :) Thank you for all of your prayers and support... they seem to working!

Many hugs and love from Stevens Hospital-
brelin

nothing really new

2010-06-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

My cortisol level tests showed that my baseline levels are low, most likely because my body is basically starving. However, when asked to perform, my adrenal glands step up to the plate, and act as they are supposed to. This is good news, because it rules out the possibilty of Addison's disease.

I continue to vomit very frequently. I am on multiple anti-nausea meds, which don't seem to help. When I ingest nothing at all, I vomit straight stomach acid. It is painful, and causing my throat to hurt pretty bad. Today I got a small bloody nose while puking, which was a new adventure. But that hasn't repeated since this morning fortunately.

My pain levels are under control for the most part, and I sort of feel like a walking zombie... I'm pretty loopy, but it's better than hurting.

I continue to be on TPN, and they are pretty aggressively re-feeding me. My liver is playing nice right now, so they are able to put in a lot more calories than they have in the past. My docs have managed to keep me on enough meds to protect my liver during the re-feeding so that's good.

I got some cute new pajama pants from my mom, which always cheers me up. :) I've had a fairly steady stream of visitors which helps to keep my spirits up.

Marcus is doing fine. He ran in a half marathon yesterday in Portland, and is feeling fine. He's at work today, and then will be hanging out with me tomorrow.

I'm not sure when I might be released from the hospital... I don't even have a good guess. I continue to trust that God has a plan and purpose for all of this. I'm praying that healing happens soon... I'm exhausted.

more weird symptoms and still vomiting...

2010-06-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

I hoped that the vomiting would at least be under control while I was in the hospital. I'm not really sure why I thought that would be a possibility, but I was fairly optimistic. Alas, my vomiting has continued, and perhaps even gotten worse since I've been here. I continue to puke just stomach acid when there is nothing in my tummy.

My labs came back with a new weird symptom: low cortisol levels. They are doing another test now to see if there is something wrong with my adrenal glands. I should know the results tomorrow.

I've also developed a bizarre tongue/mouth thing called glossitis. Apparantly it is from malnutrition.

I'm still on TPN (which is total nutrition), and they have re-hung my lipids bag once a day. I'm also on sugar water to get more calories in each day.

I'm pretty tired today, but holding up alright. I'm looking forward to being in my bed sometime in the next few days.

Thanks for all of your prayers.
brelin

the update

2010-06-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

The doctor came by this afternoon, and told me what's going on. He injected my stomach and intestines with botox while performing an endoscopy on Thursday.
He changed around my medications, lowering them a bit, because I was just too groggy. My liver enzymes were initially terrible, but it seems like they've gotten those under control for today. He took away my lipids package, thinking that might have been the problem.

My blood sugar has been running low (like 61 and 69) which is weird because normally on TPN your blood sugar goes up.

I've been enjoying lots of visitors, and it helps speed the time up... The doctor told me to be up and walking more, so I've been pacing the floors with my industrial size IV cart.

I'll let you know more tomorrow.

i'm still here :)

2010-06-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you to everyone who has taken time to see me! It really helps keep the days from dragging on.

Secondly, there isn't much to report. I'm still feeling crappy, and still vomiting all the time. I'll try to post later today when we know something more.

Love you all.
brein

I'm still alive.

2010-06-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

They started TPN last night, and my liver enzymes are already elevated. Please pray for the wisdom to heal this appropriately.
The plan for tomorrow is to have an upper GI endoscopy, complete.They also plan to put a shot of something into my stomach and/or intestines with antiseptic.

I have recently been moved up to the "big girl" iv tower, since they didn't all fit on the normal one anymore.

I'm still puking and dry heaving now, but feeling much calm about it all. They gave me marinol too :)

Hugs,
brelin

private room. :)

2010-06-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in the hospital, and down to a record low weight for myself. Getting things going upon my arrival was sort of a disaster, and I ended up waiting (rather impatiently) for pain and nausea medications for about 4 hours. I'm still vomiting with no real end in sight, which is fairly frustrating.

They have started a picc line in my arm, and gave me a bag of fluids. Now, I am slowly receiving sugar in my IV and will start on TPN at 9 pm tonight. The pain meds and nausea meds are coming through, but I'm not feeling tremendous relief yet... They just gave me some muscle relaxants and more nausea meds, so hopefully those will be kicking in soon.

Thanks for all of your warm wishes and thoughtful prayers. Please pray that I rest well and that my pain will be under control soon.

blessings,
brelin

the doctor. key scary, dramatic music...

2010-05-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, I don't really call the doctor. I figure they've pretty much exhausted their treatment options, so I just don't call them to bother them every day to let them know that I'm still vomiting. However, when my pain is ridiculously out of control, when I'm not keeping fluids down well, or when I find myself having trouble walking to bed because it hurts so bad: I realize it's time to bother the physician.

So, I called the doctor on Monday, and they squeezed me in on Tuesday. Again, I don't often call--so when I do call, the nice nurse takes a message about what's going on--and then they immediately call me back and fit me in.

On Tuesday at the doctor's office, I repeated my story to him about what was going on with me health-wise, and he told me that he'd like to admit me to the hospital for "tinkering". He said that I could wait until after the long weekend if I wanted, since I probably already have plans. I was happy to wait until next week to roll into Stevens Hospital, so that I could have fun this weekend. :) While I'm in the hospital, they plan to insert another picc line, and feed me TPN through my arm. This will allow me to get good nutrition. (YAY!) Please pray specifically that I tolerate this well, and that it does not cause my liver enzymes to elevate.

Additionally, they are putting my bowels to rest. He's planning to dope me up with muscle relaxants and pain meds, so that hopefully my pain will stop and the spasming will cease. He'll also do something to my stomach so that hopefully I won't vomit just straight stomach acid like I have been lately. I suspect I'll be in there for about a week.

To hold me over until the hospital admission, he filled with me 2 liters of fluids and IV nausea meds. Aaahhhhhh. This always helps me feel like a whole new woman. :)

I'll be sure to try and update this more regularly to keep you up to date on what's going on. I'm headed to the Tri-Cities for my cousin's wedding this weekend, my nephew's birthday party on Monday, and then I'll probably be admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning.

Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes. I'll let you know how things are going once I'm in. :)

"he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistance... pray in this way too." -paraphrase of luke 11. This is the verse that I'm holding onto right now. I KNOW that God is hearing all of our prayers, and I'm waiting for my miraculous healing. It's probably going to be any minute. :)

Hugs and love to all!
brelin

seeded grapes

2010-05-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've done this twice now in the past few months. I go to Costco, and wander through the fruit section, hoping to be inspired. I discover a diamond in the rough (or so I think) when I stumble upon beautifully large perfect-looking red grapes. I get them home, wash them, and am so eager to eat them that I totally do not read the label--until it's too late. I'm chewing, I'm chewing, and crunch. There should be nothing crunchy about my fabulous grape experience... and yet? "Seeded grapes." The package says. Hmph. Why do they even sell them that way anymore? They should actually label them "high-maintenance grapes". Fortunately, I do not have a job--thus plenty of time to remove the seeds from each grape in the four pound container that I just purchased to save money.

While I'm ranting on ridiculous things, can we please discuss the term "sunbreaks." This is a purely Seattle phenomenon, which I do not appreciate at all. Why don't they just tell you that it's going to rain on and off all day long? Honestly.

My pain is pretty bad today, but nothing I can't live through... I trust that God is hearing the loud cries of my heart tonight, as I beg for healing again and again. Shoot, if He can give Brett Michaels from Poison a second chance at life, He can totally heal me. :)

no more patience...please?

2010-05-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been praying for patience. I feel like I've needed extra patience with friends, family, and especially patience while I'm waiting. Waiting for my health to be restored...waiting to start a family with children...waiting for the housing market to improve so we can sell our condo...waiting for summer and sunshine to play in....waiting to feel better...waiting for so many things.

I've decided, however, that I'm tired of asking God for patience. If I quit praying for patience does that mean that I won't have to be patient in those situations anymore?! It seems sort of reasonable, right? I'll let you know how that goes. :)

Last weekend, I got to spend some quality time with my really good girl friends from WSU. There is nothing more amazing then reuniting giggly girls, and just celebrating life now (and then too.) Needless to say, it was a blast. I'm so thankful for you all, and hope we can make another hot date happen soon!! :)

This past week Marcus and I joined a new gym that they recently built in Issaquah. Marcus has been itching to get out of the YMCA for a while just because it's small and the pool is too hot, so this transition made sense for us. While I have been working out for a long time and know my way around the gym, I find this place incredibly intimidating. It is like the "land of beautiful people with big muscles." Everyone is checking every one else out; there are muscles exploding out of the tiny shreds of clothing people are wearing, and everyone seems to have their hair perfectly coiffed while they're running 10 miles without breaking a sweat. It is the epitome of the "plateau" experience. I sort of feel like I have to put makeup on to go to work out. Oh, and buy new workout clothes. I'm not sure if I can handle this. I have until Friday to make my decision...I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Beyond that, not much is new. I'm still puking my brains out. I eat, then vomit. I drink, then vomit. I do neither, and vomit anyway. It's quite annoying, and takes lots of energy. I feel like sometimes people think I don't do anything all day. Sometimes I feel like I don't do anything all day too. But I really do something every day, even when I don't leave the house. It just entails emptying a metal puke bowl about 10 times a day. Ugh.

Normally, when I close, I would ask that you pray for patience. This week, though, I ask that you pray we don't have to be patient anymore. About anything.

Thanks!
brelin

mentally--awesome. physically-meh.

2010-04-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying lots of fun times with friends lately. I've been making it a point to get out of the house to see people each day, and trying to branch out into new fields of self-discovery. The pictures above are from the tulip festival this year, which I went to with my friend, Alicia. It was beautiful.

This past weekend, I ran a 5 K with Marcus!! That is 3.1 miles. I was able to run the whole way, and didn't even puke until the bushes at the end of the race. It was tons of fun, and it was the "Top Pot Doughnut Dash", so they served donuts at the finish line. Epic.

Over the past month or so, I've been really struggling with depression. I've been frustrated about my health, discouraged by the lack of progress that I've been making, and that ultimately I have no control over how I feel physically. Instead of dwelling on the negatives, and getting annoyed that I'm still vomiting, I've been trying hard to work on finding joy in each day. Lots of people have been praying for me, and I'm really feeling much more optimistic about life as it's going now. I'm doing my best to laugh more, read more uplifting books, and tackle new activities with a spirit of tenacity.

Here are the things that I'm excited about this spring/summer:

1. Ballet. I signed up for a beginning adult ballet class. For those of you that remember when I was 5, I had a brief stint with ballet then. I attended class as a childhood chub, and every time I curtsied, I would tip over. It was hilarious, and makes a great story now. Anyway, that led to my soccer career... which clearly worked out better through high school and college. :)

2. Tennis. I'm taking some tennis lessons. I've been learning with Marcus, and my brother-in-law, Jon, but I thought I'd get some more instruction as well. Hopefully, I'll enjoy it more when I can hit it a little bit better.

3. Volunteering more. I'm looking into "wish granting" for the Make A Wish Foundation, which is a lot of behind-the-scenes emailing, calling, and coordinating. All of these things can be done from my house, with my puke bowl next to the computer screen. Perfect. I'm also checking into volunteering at the Children's Hospital once a week or so. I'm a little nervous about making a weekly commitment to something, but I think it'll be a good experience.

4. Dog? Despite my fiercest efforts, I have not yet convinced Marcus of our need for a dog. He believes that we have a need for a house with a backyard, and then a dog. I think we should just go for it. The only thing that's holding us back is that we just put in new carpeting. Ugh. Not necessarily a good idea when trying to potty train a pooch. I'll keep you posted on this one.

5. Golf!! I've decided to embrace this new sport...despite my best attempts to avoid it in years past. I think this is something I can do, and learn to enjoy together with Marcus. I'll keep you posted on this new hobby...now all I need is some more Seattle sun!! :)

6. Sewing. I made my first baby quilt for a good friend. Here's how it turned out:

7. GOD. I'm going to do my best to be patient with His timing, especially when it's not really coinciding with mine. :) He knows what He's doing, clearly, so I need to just trust that all things will happen in due time. I'm still planning to contribute my 2 cents in my prayer life, but ultimately I'll try to submit fully to His perfect plan and His perfect timing. Phew.

hugs, brelin

one month later

2010-04-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like a sinner for not writing more often... I'm so sorry that it's been almost a month since my last entry. I'm not busy dying or anything, although I have been to the ER a couple of times.

Here are the quick highlights from the past month:
1. Marcus and I just got back from a road trip to Palm Desert, CA. We stayed at a cheap hotel, using our friend's discount, while our friends stayed at a swanky resort in the town of La Quinta. We hung out with them the whole time, and enjoyed the use of the fancy facilities at their resort. It was genious. While we were there, I soaked up the sun, Marcus played golf, we had to view a LOT of birds (Marcus being a bird nerd), we picked gigantic lemons and grapefruits from the trees, and we went to Joshua Tree National Park. It was really fun. :) The funniest part of the trip, however, was on the way home. We started the day in Palm Desert in our shorts and flip flops, since it was 80 in the morning. We drove to LA to visit a friend, and then headed out on the trek home. Our GPS told us it may be faster to drive through Reno, NV, since we were headed to the Tri-Cities for Easter. We foolishly obeyed. In the midst of the SNOWSTORM between Sacramento and Reno, Marcus and I were still wearing our shorts and flip flops while people were frantically pulling their cars to the shoulder to put chains on their vehicles. It was ridiculous, but pretty awesome. We made it safely to Reno in our shorts, just much later than we'd hoped. :)

2. We had a great time in the Tri-Cities at Easter. We got to see the whole family, and it was fun.

3. I continue to vomit. It seems like my intestines have slowed down, and my pain is worse lately. I took a trip to the ER the other day because my feet were turning purple and I was really dizzy. The fixed me up with some fluids, some pain meds, and anti-emetics and I felt much better. That was the night before we left for Cali, and I really had to rally to make myself go. I'm glad that we went!! :)

I think that is pretty much all.
brelin