I love CHRISTMAS!! and other medical updates.

I'll start off by saying that I am so blessed. These past couple of weeks have been a HUGE reminder to me about just how much GOD loves me, and how richly He has showered me with His grace. It is so easy for me to lose sight of the things that really matter when my world is consumed with vomiting and pain.

Despite all of the pain and yucky-ness that I experience in my physical body on a daily basis, this Christmas has been a wonderful time filled with laughter, love, and the amazing support that I feel from my family and friends. Each moment spent has been a breath of fresh air for me both spiritually and emotionally. I'm delighted to report that as we celebrated Jesus' birth, we have the privilege to look into the future and experience a profound sense of HOPE.

My ERCP went well on Wednesday, and I just had to spend one night in the hospital. My sleepover at the hospital had a couple of unfortunate mishaps with hives, veins collapsing, and IV sites rendered useless. But, I was able to make it through the procedure and the night (with 3 new IVs in 5 attempts.) I was thankful to have delightful nurses and and an excellent IV therapy team--it seems to make everything a little better when people are smiley at 3 in the morning.

The findings from the test: I had a significantly inflamed bile duct, due to adhesions (scar tissue.) There were no stones, and no sludge in the duct, the opening was simply too small because of the scar tissue strangling it off. Through the endoscope using an inflatable balloon and some kind of cutting implement, they were able to loosen the scar tissue which was strangling the bile duct, and also made an incision to increase the opening of the bile duct. I managed to avoid the complication of pancreatitis (yay!!), and got to go home on time. (double yay!)

Since then, we had 14 people over for Christmas dinner last night, and Marcus, mom, Sarah, and I pulled it off. The food was amazing, and the company was even better. It was so much fun to host my first official "family gathering"--so I went a little crazy; making place cards, and other festive table decorations. I even used festive cupcake flags with gingerbread men on top for the apple-stuffin' muffins. I know, I'm ridiculous. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm off to take another nap.
Sadly, I'm not feeling 80% better like the doctor had hoped, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm hoping that the lingering pain I'm experiencing is just from the procedure. I don't think that's really very likely, but I'm not positive. I go in for a follow-up appointment on Jan. 6.

Hugs to all.
b

oh, bile ducts

After much anticipation this past week, as I waited anxiously for the doctor's call, I finally received it last night.

The good news is that I don't have hepatitis or any other auto-immune diseases that he checked me for.

The bad news is that my bile duct is very inflamed, and this could be caused by a stone, or "sludge" that's built up in the duct. This is most likely the cause of my elevated liver enzymes and could possibly be causing my increased symptoms of late (like more nausea, vomiting, and abd. pain.)

The way that they fix this, as well as gather more information about the source of the problem is by performing an ERCP. I am including the actual name of the procedure, because I believe it's the largest word I've ever seen (except for floccinaucinihilipilification--which is a word that I learned to spell in order to avoid running 3 miles at soccer practice when my scientist coach gave us the challenge). Anyway, the actual name of the ERCP is...

Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography.

Exciting, huh?
If you'd like to read more about this procedure, here is a link:
http://digestive.niddk.gov/ddiseases/pubs/ercp

I'm calling the doctor this morning when they open, and will hopefully be able to schedule the procedure before Christmas.

I'm also trying desperately to get my Christmas cards out before then. :) I made cute home-made ones. Let's see if they make it to the post office.

Love and hugs,
brelin

oh, and one more thing.

I got a phone call from Dr. Patterson this morning. He left a message asking me to return his phone call. In my experience, it's not really a good sign when the doctor himself contacts you about your lab results... and I was right to be concerned.

The good news is that my potassium levels have gone back to normal. Normal is 3.5, and I have made it to 3.8. Phew. This is really good because potassium is directly related to your heart pumping correctly.

The bad news is that my liver enzymes that were elevated before have actually become more elevated. Normal for this test is 40, mine were 75 in the ER on 11/16, and now are 105. There are several potential causes for this: One, which makes the most sense, is malnutrition. Other options include: hepatitis, auto-immune diseases, nonalcoholic fatty liver, and obesity. I think it's safe to say that we can rule out obesity. :) Sorry, I had to make a joke. :)

Anyway, the way to figure out what's causing the problem is to do an ultrasound of my liver, and then draw more blood. The nurse-scheduler lady is going to call me tomorrow to let me know when my tests are.

Please pray that God will miraculously heal me before then--so that the elevated liver enzymes are just a thing of the past.

A picture of our awesome kitchen:

(before the Christmas fairy hit the kitchen)

Here is a picture of our living room/dining room before the decorating began...

I've included some pictures of our uber-decorated-we can't wait for Christmas-house.
Here is a photo of our enormous Christmas tree:
(please note the 11 strands of lights that Marcus used)

Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago, when we had a magnificent snow storm: This is our backyard:

I thought if I threw in some cheery photos at the end, it would counteract the lame news. This is the fireplace in our family room:

We love you, and as always, covet your prayers.
Hugs,
b

the doctor's report

I got in to see Dr. Patterson at Virginia Mason yesterday. One thing that I'm thankful for is really good, compassionate, thorough GI doctors. We had an hour long appointment discussing future surgery, abdominal pain, dehydration, and a host of other things.

1. Gastric Pacemaker Surgery- In his mind, the sooner I can get the surgery the better. He thinks that I'm going to be feeling much better with the device implanted, and he is hopeful that the insurance company won't fight too much about paying for it because I've already tried every other treatment option known to man. He is changing hospitals on Jan. 1, and will become the head of gastroenterology at Swedish. Swedish is about 3 blocks away Virginia Mason, so still very reasonable to commute to. Once there, he hopes to assist in the surgery there as soon as they can get it scheduled. (most likely in Jan. or Feb.) To begin the process, the team at Swedish has to get a pre-authorization for the surgery from my insurance company. He was going to speak to someone yesterday afternoon to begin that process.

2. Abdominal Pain- He encouraged me to remain on the fentanyl patch (a low-level narcotic) that basically takes the edge off of my pain, making life a little more tolerable. It doesn't make me dumber or have any other frustrating side effects, which I enjoy. He's also said that I can continue on vicodin until surgery. I'm trying not to take this very often, just because it makes everything a little foggy. He's also given me some more anti-nausea meds, nothing new--just ones that I've been on for several years now.

3. In addition to all of those things, one of his nurses will set up a standing order for me to receive fluids at a clinic in Issaquah. This is going to be terrific because I won't have to visit the ER when I'm dehydrated, and hopefully the additional fluids will help me get back on my feet a bit. He's hoping to avoid putting another picc line in (as am I), and we'll just wait and see how often I end up going in for fluids.

4. Blood work: While I was in the ER on 11/16, they had taken a blood draw and run a million tests on it. That day, my potassium levels were low, and my liver enzymes were almost twice the "normal" number. He asked if the ER had told me anything about that, and if they'd suggested any treatment options. I told them that the ER said my blood work was all normal...interesting. So, he had me go to the lab to have another sample drawn to compare. Hopefully my numbers will be better this time, as potassium is an electrolyte level that affects my heart.

5. I had a little bit of a rough experience with one of the lab techs there. When I went in, I told her that I had veins that look good, but really roll. And that sometimes once you get blood, it just decides to stop pumping, so that I end up getting stuck 5 times before they get all they need. She had me roll up my sleeves, and looked at both arms. I suggested that she use a butterfly needle, as that has a tendency to work better. She insisted that she didn't need to because my veins all looked really good. (I sat there, slightly frustrated, but tried to hold my tongue.) She took out several vials that she needed to fill, grabbed a normal "grown-ups sized" needle, and went for it. Interestingly enough, she was able to hit the vein right away, at the same time bragging to me about how "the other lab techs must've not known what they were doing, and had no business telling me that my veins were bad." And then...nothing. She got about 1/2 of the smallest vial filled, and then (surprise) my vein quit pumping. I wasn't sure if she'd even gotten enough to do the test, and was wondering if she'd stick with her original story about how amazing she was--or if she'd have to poke me again because she didn't listen to me. She opted to not say another word, bandaged my arm, and told me to have a nice day. Hmph.

Overall, I'm trying to be optimistic about the future. I'm still feeling bad (worse than normal), but it seems that my weight loss has leveled out for the moment. I've kept the same weight for several days in a row now. During my abdominal exam, Dr. P was concerned about impacted bowel in my ascending colon, as my belly was noticeably distended on the right side. He prescribed an over-the-counter laxative called magnesium citrate, which I am enjoying for breakfast this morning. I put a straw into the beverage to trick myself into believing that it tasted good. I'm pretending it's like a pomegranate margarita. It's a stretch, but it helps me to envision I'm laying on the beach in the warmth of the sun. :)

Thanks God, for imagination. :)

ugh with a side of funny

Thank you for your continued prayers. I'd love to report that things have turned around--but I'd be lying. :)

Things seem to continue to be rough. The latest good news is that I'm able to see my GI doctor about doing the gastric pacemaker surgery on Friday. I'm hoping to get this done ASAP--hoping that it will help me ward off the current downward trend. I have lost 8 lbs since the ER trip which was just two weeks ago. I don't have any more news on the ovarian cysts. My pain continues to be bad, but not excruciating--leading me to believe that they are either getting smaller, or else just not rupturing any longer. I'm supposed to have a follow-up ultrasound in about a month.

I'm planning to ask the GI doc on Friday if they can do a little "spring cleaning" in my abdomen while they are putting in the pacemaker. I'm hoping that they might be able to remove scar tissue, remove any large ovarian cysts and put in the the Gastric Pacer all at the same time. This might be wishful thinking on my part--I'll have to keep you posted.

And now, for a funny story from my life...

In our house in Enumclaw, we have a wood-burning fireplace in our family room. The other night, we had record low temperatures in our area, and I thought how nice it might be to have a fire going while we watched some movies.

**Please remember that I'm married to a firefighter as you read the rest of the story.**

I had purchased some presto logs, after having read about how they burn "cleaner" and are ultimately "better for the environment." Marcus read the directions carefully, and put the presto logs in the formation written on the package. He put two full presto logs next to each other, with a piece of kindling in the middle, and then placed one presto log broken into three pieces on top with a bit more kindling.

About an hour and a half later, and with much muttering from Marcus, the fire was still not burning. I thought I could help, but even my "I used to be a camp counselor and I can make a fire with just one match" skills could end the presto log lack of fire situation.

Marcus thought that it might help to douse one of the small presto logs with a bit of vodka. I thought that seemed like a reasonable idea--he returned with the drenched log, but it still wouldn't light. About 30 minutes later, in his infinite wisdom, he disappeared into the garage with one of the small pieces of presto log.

As he re-entered the house, he shouted, "Don't light any matches, I'm coming in with a gasoline-soaked presto log." Certain that he was going to light his facial hair or some part of me on fire, I ran into the living room, thinking the log might explode or something...Alas, even the gasoline-soaked stupid presto log would not stay lit. How can this be? Faulty product--perhaps.

Fortunately, we had purchased regular wood as well. I removed all presto log pieces, and started over with real wood. One match later, we had a fire burning bright.

In my infinite wisdom, I chucked a couple of presto logs onto the fire that was burning fabulously. About 5 minutes passed, and we had a roaring flame. It was burning so hot and so huge that it set off our upstairs smoke detector. Marcus blamed me for this.

All in all, we had some excellent laughs--and decided to never purchase presto logs again.

today

I've been hanging in there lately, not feeling so hot for the most part. I'm perhaps heading into the "winter slump"--which is a bit disconcerting to us. I've got a couple of phone calls in to two different GI docs, so hopefully we can get my spiraling out of control back under control before too much damage is done. My pain levels have been through the roof, and I'm just tired of fighting. It's frustrating and exhausting knowing that anything you eat might come back up in a second, and so I've been mostly just having liquids. That's a struggle too, because it's really hard to get enough calories in when you're just having liquids. Ugh.

Yesterday I got to go sledding with Garrett, Maya, & Caleb--it was super fun! I love living out here in Enumclaw, it's been such a great time so far. We're enjoying not living on a huge hill too, it's making our transportation situation much easier. We've gotten about a foot of snow here, the most in the area, and it is gorgeous everywhere you look.

I keep telling God that I'm pretty sure I've gotten the memo about ANY lesson that He might want me to learn...I understand that I cannot do anything on my own strength. I totally get that I rely on you for all things. I know that your promises are true and that you never give me more than I can handle...but I'm tired now, God. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of struggling to maintain minimal health. I want the pain to be over.

He has his arms wrapped tightly around me, and walks through each difficult moment with me. But at the moment, that doesn't feel like enough. I just want healing. I'm tired of messing around. Can you please hear our prayers?

good news/bad news

I went to the OBGYN at 10 am yesterday morning, and discussed the next steps with the doctor. Basically, she is hopeful tha the type of cysts I have will be reabsorbed. We set up an appointment for an ultrasound at 3 pm, so that we could get the images that she needed to watch the cysts closely.

Marcus and I decided to catch a movie between the two appointments. About mid-way through the movie, I rushed to the bathroom to vomit because of pain. After that, I came back to into the movie, and had already burst into tears...my pain was overwhelming, and I wanted to head to the ER.

Marcus took one look at me, and agreed that we should head to the ER. While I was there, they gave me a bunch of pain and nausea meds, and performed an ultrasound. They found something intersting...I still had 3 ovarian cysts, but they were a different 3 than they knew about the day before. It seems that one of the large ones had ruptured on my left side (leaving fluid and tissue), most likely causing the excruciating pain, and then I had 2 more cysts on my right. (one large one that they knew about before, and then one other small one.)

I'm doing a bit better today, still totally exhausted, but feeling a teensy bit better. I'm headed now for another nap.

Love and hugs,
b

ahh, car salesmen

Let me begin by saying that Marcus and I have been looking at cars for about 2 weeks now...We've been all over the map about what we want, and how much we're willing to pay for it. We are sharing ownership of a boat that was gifted to Jon & Tammy (Marcus' brother and sister-in-law), and needed to find a vehicle that could tow the weight of it. At that same time, if we were going to be purchasing an even more gas-guzzling car then we already owned, I told Marcus that we were going to have to sell the Jeep and buy a tiny car.

We embarked on a crazy journey of car-shopping, and finally ended up with exactly what we wanted, at the price that we wanted to pay. I actually got so angry yesterday that my lip began to quiver as I was scolding the stupid sales manager at the dealership. I usually reserve my yelling at Marcus, but this guy was ridiculous. He started off with an absurd bid on our trade ($9,000 lower than we ended up with), and was adamant that he couldn't come down on the price of his car (which he did.) By the time the guy was willing to make a deal, Marcus had already sent me to the car to cool off. We drove away, hoping that we could get that same vehicle at a different dealer that we'd had a positive experience with before. However, when we got there, that dealer was only willing to pay us $4000 less than we got at the other place for our trade. Ugh. We left that dealership, frustrated, and ready to yell again.

I practiced by deep breathing, promised Marcus that I would keep my mouth shut, took a phenergan so that I didn't throw up on anyone's desk, and went back to the stupid place where I'd yelled at the man for wasting our time. We signed all the papers, got the exact deal we wanted, and drove away in our shiny, new black Honda Civic. :) We're planning to drive the Jeep through the winter, and then sell in the spring when we find a big Tahoe or Sequoia or something that can tow the boat.

After all that, I want to report that my cold is almost all the way better now. My voice is still a little funny, but I'm not running a fever anymore. I cough a bit here and there, but am feeling much better on that front. My abdominal/pelvic pain is still hanging in there, but I think that the cysts might be resolving on their own. My pain is not as acute as it was, so I'm hoping that I'll get good news today at the doctor.

I'll try to post again this evening or early tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, and what I've found out.

On another note, I want to ask for prayers for the family and friends of Josh Baker. He was a firefighter for Renton who was killed in a car accident on Saturday night, leaving his wife and children behind. Marcus had just worked with him 2 days before, and is having a hard time believing he is really gone. Please keep the City of Renton Fire Department in your prayers, especially holding up his wife and children as they walk through this sudden and difficult loss.

Hugs,
brelin

still not so hot.

While my cold/flu symptoms seem to be progressing/resolving, it seems that I have a new source of abdominal pain--huge ovarian cysts. My nausea and vomiting have increased in frequency and intensity due to my high pain levels, as well as my flu-like symptoms. I have one ovarian cyst on my left side that is roughly 8 cm total (3.2 inches) and another on my right side that is about 4 cm. No one really knows why they form (or get so big) and are also unsure of why or when they decide to dissipate on their own.

I am hopeful that things will resolve on their own, preferably without surgical intervention... :) I am doing my best to be optimistic about the future. It was sort of nice to know that my abd. pain was within reason, and due to a new symptom that can be treated. Of course, at the doctor's office they have to paint the "worst case scenario" picture. I learned that there is a chance that the cyst would weigh down my ovary, cut off blood supply to it, and basically torque it off--completely disconnecting it. Hence, the doctor warned that I need to be sure to pay attention to my pain, and make sure to hit up the ER if things get really bad. Ugh.

I think that is all. We are still really enjoying our rental house in Enumclaw. The pace of life seems worlds apart from Sammamish, and it really is a breath of fresh air for us. It has been great to get outside for walks in the sunshine this fall--watching the beautiful leaves change in our neighborhood, enjoying and relishing the beauty of creation.

And so we move forward, desperately praying for no surgery, and that I might keep up my health. I have lost a couple of pounds in the last few days, which I think is because of my cold/flu. We trust that God's got this under control, as always. We're just hoping to wake up to a little less excitement sometime. Or, at least excitement of a different kind.

Thanks for your prayers and love.
b

ugh.

I just wanted to make a quick post to ask for extra prayers today. I am doing much worse than normal, as I have gotten a cold/flu bug. My head, throat, and sinuses are killing me...and my nausea and vomiting have increased so that I'm not even keeping fluids down. It is exhausting.

My color is a beautiful shade of green, and Marcus lovingly reminds me that I look like "death warmed over, but not even really warm." I'm running a fever too, and feel like garbage.

Please pray that this bug passes quickly, and that I start keeping fluids down so that I can avoid a trip to the ER.

Thanks.
b

alright God, I'm on it.

For a long time now, I have heard that my blog is inspiring to people and that I really should consider writing a book about my experiences. That being said, I didn't have the confidence or the energy to tackle a project that seemed so enormous. I told people that I didn't want to share my story until there is a happy ending.

I was talking with my friend and former colleague, Pr. John, and he suggested that I just start writing. He suggested calling it, "In the Meantime," which I loved immediately. I don't want to feel like I'm spinning my wheels waiting for my happy ending, and so I decided to put pen to paper and embark on this journey.

I decided to start with a devotional for Lent, and perhaps later down the road work on a memoir...

As I have already mentioned, Marcus and I moved to Enumclaw recently. I love our new home, as it is close enough to walk to the downtown area. Marcus was working the other day, and I'd received a coupon in the mail for a free pumpkin spice latte. The sun was shining, so I ventured out with my writing materials in hand to get my free latte, and get some work done on my new project.

I arrived at the Christian book store, and as the man was making my coffee, he asked, "What brings you in today?" I answered that I was working on writing a devotional. He smiled and said, "That's amazing! Congratulations! What is it about?" I told him what my plan was, and then he said, "I only work part-time here. I also work for a publishing company. Here is a flyer on how to get your book published once you are ready. Also, there is a Christian writing community that meets once a month in Bothell. I'll give you that information too!"

And so I walked out with my pumpkin spice latte in hand, amazed by this man, and the way that God worked out that whole situation just so that I could be encouraged about my book-writing beginnings. I'm not sure why I am still amazed when God is so blatant with the reminders of encouragement and love...but I still stand back in awe of just how much He loves me and is willing to speak directly to my heart. And in case I'm not listening all the way, he sends people into my life to remind me what He is all about.

And so the writing of my book continues... :)

When I meet new people, I am often asked, "What do you do?" Most of the time, I feel like answering, "I puke full-time." However, this last time I was asked, I boldly answered, "I'm working on a book."

Please pray for me in the new, and exciting endeavor...And as always, I ask for continued prayers for healing. I continue vomiting daily, and lately have been struggling with dizziness too. Hugs and love to all.
brelin

steve-o

Steve-O.

The man, the myth, the legend.

I have learned a lot of things from all of my parents, but I thought since it was his birthday today, I would write a little bit about the one we know and love.

"Pops"--as I affectionately refer to him, is quite a guy. He is loyal, fun, and secretly a giant ball of mushy love once you get through his sarcastic bite. He has grown to be one of my favorite people in the world.

He's not my "real" dad, as I used to remind him when I was younger (and much snottier), but he loves me like I am his own. Granted, we don't talk about such things--but I know by the way he checks my blog daily, slyly snuck me a cash spot when I was in college, didn't tattle on me to mom about my gallivanting, and by the times that he has sat by my bedside all night long in the hospital the many times that I have been so ill.

He jokes about me being "someone else's problem"--like Marcus' mainly-- but I know we can count on him if we ever needed anything.

He has "lethal knees", especially with the help of several beers, and can terrorize anyone on the dance floor. The image of him circling and swaying at every family wedding reception is quite a sight to behold. It is one that will be permanently ingrained in all of our memories.

I tell him that the root of my digestive problems stems from the "ice cream incident" when I was 5 and my double-decker cone fell into the parking lot. Steve-o told me to stop crying as he dusted the gravel off my ice cream and returned it to my cone. But really, we both know it was because my mom's floors were too clean and I wasn't exposed to enough germs as a child. :)

I love you, Pops. Happy Birthday!

i made it.

I just wanted to post quickly that my oral surgery went really well. I'm doing better today, mostly off of my pain meds--and my mouth isn't hurting much at all. They somehow managed to do the surgery without needing to stitch me up--so there was nothing to rip out when I puked.

I made it through the whole first day of surgery without vomiting--and have since started again, but nothing in my mouth is bleeding, so I'm taking that to be a good sign. The oral surgeon told me to call if there are any problems...and there don't seem to be any, so I'm in the clear. :)

I think that's all for now. I'm resting up for the big weekend--Halloween parties and such...it should be lots of fun!!

b

resilient

The word that I've been hearing a lot lately is "resilient." I've heard it in many different contexts, but the message is the same...When I am faced with challenging situations, it can sometimes feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest, stomped on, and then returned to my body--only to be left in a puddle on the floor, exhausted, rejected, and feeling not a bit resilient.

At some point along that journey, God shows up and provides grace. He breathes new life into my scarred body, He injects hope into a situation that seems hopeless, and He whispers gently in my ear, "Be resilient, my child. You can make it! You can keep going; you have the strength to make it through this in MY power."

And so we continue on our in changed lives, walking through times that are filled with sorrow--but equally filled with joy and promises of a brighter future. We walk through the valley, but realize that the sun is shining just around the bend...and so we listen closely to God's guiding, trusting that His plan has brought us this far and won't leave us hanging out to dry on our own.

When the world looks in at this whole journey, they see the person in crisis and call them resilient. I'm not sure if resilient is the right word, because I think it's important to recognize that my strength is not my own. I can't live a day without God and the hope that He provides. I can't imagine a life without knowing there is something after this suffering...something so much bigger and so much better than I can even begin to comprehend.

And so we trust. We look to Psalm 62, and see that we are not alone in this difficult journey. We can take comfort in His promises to us:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

the 'claw

Marcus and I have made the move into our new house officially. We finished cleaning and painting at the condo in Sammamish on Thursday night, went out to dinner with some good friends, and then have been unpacking and cleaning at our new place in Enumclaw ever since.

We are enjoying our time out in the boonies so far, and are definitely excited to be done unpacking/cleaning/arranging. I feel like the end is in sight--so I just need to stay the course, and hopefully finish sometime before my mom arrives on Thursday.

So far, there is nothing phenomenal to report about my health. I have noticed that I'm vomiting less, but am not sure if that's because we're in Enumclaw, or simply because I'm ingesting less each day. I'll keep you posted on that one.

Beyond that, I have oral surgery to have my wisdom tooth removed on 10/26. I can't believe that:
1) I have a wisdom tooth that just came in and,
2) That I have to have oral surgery. Ugh.

The good news is that I spoke with the oral surgeon didn't seem too worried about me vomiting right after surgery... saying that even if I rip out my stitches right away when puking, he thought everything would be fine because of the size and location of the tooth. My GI doc suggested IV anti-nausea meds during surgery, and told us to keep him posted on how it goes.

One of my favorite parts of living in Enumclaw is that we are super close to our family. We got to go "boo-ing" last night with our nieces and nephews. It was basically like ding, dong, ditch--only you drop off treat bags with a poem. It was adorable watching the kids hit the deck everytime a car drove by--they'd dive face-first into the grass. It was awesome--full of joy and giggling. :)

I'm looking forward to this new adventure that Enumclaw is for us. I pray that God blesses my health while we're out here, and that we'll see a miraculous healing take place any second. :) I trust that God's plan will continue to be revealed to us, as we embark on this new town and these many new adventures. We're excited to see how God will use us in this new community too, and we're ready to learn from the people here as well.

Super duper blessings to all!! And if anyone wants to clean something, come on over... I've got a project for you! :)

Brelin

the big move

The past couple of weeks have gone surprisingly fast...we have enjoyed time together with family, celebrated the lives of loved ones lost (my uncle, Mike, and my grandma, Sarah), partied it up at my brother & Alyssa's wedding, and made it out alive.

Our biggest news is that we are moving to a house in Enumclaw. We've decided to rent out our condo for a year, and rent a house in Enumclaw to see if we like it out there. We'll be closer to our nieces and nephews--which will be great, and we'll get to be in a house!! We make the big move on Saturday! We're looking forward to starting fresh, and we're praying that I may just be allergic to something in our condo--and that just by moving, I'll stop vomiting. That's our prayer anyway.

Other big news is that in the midst of this busy time, I have developed a problem with my tooth. A wisdom tooth, to be exact, that didn't grow in until I turned 30. While "normal" people get their wisdom teeth, and have them removed in high school or right after high school: clearly, my teeth are late bloomers. I went to the dentist, thinking I had a cavity or something, only to find that it's my wisdom tooth--and it needs to be removed pronto. I go see the oral surgeon on October 14. While my initial response to this news was, "why me, Lord? why something else to deal with?"--I've decided to approach the situation with laughter, and do my best to make some wise-cracks (ha ha!) along the way. The main problem with the wisdom tooth (besides that it really hurts to chew) is that every time I throw up, it feels like my tooth and, in turn, my head are going to explode. Ugh.

I'm not sure if there's much other news to share. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery, making new friends, and hoping for a brighter future full of health and life. :)

Oh, and a funny story to leave you with... It is not news that I puke into ziplock baggies. Recently, I was visiting my parents, and there were people occupying both bathrooms when the urge to vomit struck. Fortunately, I had grabbed a baggie "just in case". I'm running from bathroom to bathroom, baggie in hand, hoping that someone will come out in time. When I realize that I just can't hold it all in a second longer, I burst into the garage and attempt to "hide" between the cars--silently frustrated with my father who never closes the garage door--trying to puke into the tiny baggie I'd brought out, with all the neighbors in plain sight. Meanwhile, my brother and his new wife are out on the street checking out a family friend's new truck. While still silently cursing my father about the open garage, I try to slyly dispose of my puke-filled baggie--while smiling and waving with the other hand to the family friends. I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to hind my baggies of vomit anywhere, and there is no need for my parents to ever close the garage door again. (Well, except for when they are sleeping--for safety, of course.)

Grandma Sarah left us with her confirmation verse, which she could still say in German:
"Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelation 21:10b

Thanks for your inspiration, Grandma, and for the way that you lived your life, free of sickness and death until your last days. I pray that I too can be an example to others, and live my life with my sights set on things that glorify God--rather than the mundane tasks that are so easy to fill our lives with. I hope that I can remain faithful and receive the crown of life too.

1115 days

Well, actually today is the 1116th day of puking. In a row. That is a lot of vomit. People who have the flu or food poisoning more than 3 days feel like they're going to die. And I've been throwing up now for one thousand one hundred and sixteen days.

wow.

Someone asked me to share my faith story for the confirmation students this year. I'm not really sure why that caught me off guard--but it did. I'm never really sure what to say. In many ways, my faith story remains the same. I am flaky, God is constant. I am trusting, God remains faithful and constant. I start to waiver and lose hope, God pulls me closer to His heart, lovingly guides me and remains constant.

Ultimately, that's the beauty of the Lord...His love is unchanged, unwavering, and completely unaffected by our stupid human-ness.

My little grandma Sarah died last Thursday, and I can't help but think of her sitting at God's side, chatting right into His ear, "Now Jesus, since I've got your full attention, let me talk to you about my Brelin..."

1.11.19-09.23.10

Grandma always had time to play. She used to take care of me when I was little, and no matter what she might have been in the middle of--she could always make time for a visit. I remember being at her house when I was 4 or so, and I would push my little yellow shopping cart up and down her hallways purchasing the "goodies" that she'd saved for me...empty milk cartons, cans of soup, and containers of oatmeal.

In that same hallway, we'd do our morning exercises. This mostly consisted of jumping jacks, touching our toes, and lots of laughter. We'd throw some dance moves in too, and I'd try to impress her while I somersaulted my toddler chubbiness down the hall. She'd tell me how I was so talented, and smother me with hugs and kisses.

She was also famous for her baking...I've been standing on a chair by her side for as long as I can remember "helping" her and learning from her. Mind you, I use the term "helping" very loosely. Just in the last year, I was finally able to master Grandma's infamous pumpkin roll (on my second try.) She coached me over the phone as I was trying to make the dish at my house in Seattle. I finally finished it with her help. I brought it over for Christmas dinner, and she pronounced it excellent. It was the biggest and best compliment I could receive.

Her faith was remarkable. It was real, and deep--unwavering, and she held Jesus close to her heart. During WWII, all in one week her family received notice that three of her brothers were MIA in Europe. Even then, in the midst of fear and faced with a profound sense of loss, she clung tightly to her faith. She worshipped regularly, was always praying for her family, and studied her bible in church and at the hall. I used to come to Bible study with her, and this would result in great conversations after. We'd talk and laugh about just how much God loves us.

Grandma had an adventurous spirit, and went after life with spunk and zest. She loved to play games with her friends, sharing in their lives with laughter and joy. She always had a kind word for others, and was a tremendously hard-worker. She was quiet about her wild stories though, and we didn't realize just how much fun she'd had until we were going through her photos with her. :)

She was a fantastic seamstress, making me beautiful homecoming and prom dresses. She hemmed my wedding dress for me, and would always dote on me through each project, making sure each seam was perfect regardless of how much sleep she lost or how many times she had to re-do it.

She was a devoted wife, a loving mother, and the best grandmother anyone could ever hope for. I love you, Grandma. Say hi to Jesus for me, and put in a good word for us up there.

slippery elm

When someone says the word, "gruel" I conjure images in my mind of a slightly emaciated green-tinged woman with a wart on her nose, hovering over large black cauldron simmering on an open flame. She is stirring her concoction with a dilapidated broom handle. Obviously, this word, "gruel" does not send me running to the kitchen to enjoy a second batch associated with that word.

I went to the naturopath this past week. He had some interesting things to say and try. This is my third naturopath, and this one seems much more scientifically rooted, especially compared to the last one who made me wear green glasses, and listen to his assistant play the tone of 'G' on a tuning fork while we discussed my deeply-rooted issues with my mother. (Clearly a story for another day, and side note: I love my mother and have no issues with her. I insisted this was true, and the doctor kept asking--"well, what is causing your vomiting then?" I said, "that's why I'm here." ugh.)

Anyway, this new naturopath seems much more medically valid, and prescribed several different vitamins and supplements to try. One of these includes one cup of a "gruel of slippery elm." First imagine something the texture of mucus and/or slug slime, then imagine an entire cup full of this hideous substance served cold. Finally, imagine that it tastes like you hacked off a chunk of tree bark from your front yard, ground it up, started gnawing on it, and then it became the texture of snot. Sound delicious? Yah, it wasn't really.

I do enjoy a few cups of ginger tea a day. They don't seem to be helping my nausea, but I don't mind the flavor. Everything is better than slippery elm. :)

I go back for a follow-up appointment next week, and then also have an appointment with Dr. Patterson to learn more about the gastric pacemaker. My weight is up, and I seem to doing well. I'm back to exercising--still puking all day long, but holding weight okay.

We're looking forward to Andy & Alyssa's wedding this coming weekend. (I can't believe my little brother is old enough to get married!!)

Hugs to all,
brelin

my current musings

There are a lot of things that I'd never really considered before I was sick. Either it was because I didn't have time, or perhaps because they weren't really worth considering. Regardless, I have already wasted my time thinking about them, so I thought I'd throw them onto the blog. Here are a sampling of the things I've learned (in no particularly useful order.)

Here goes nothing.

1. Jamba Juice. They have a secret menu that includes flavors like pink starburst, and white gummy bear. You can order them just by asking, and they are delicious.
2. You can substitute 1 cup of milk with 1 tsp. lemon juice for 1 c. of buttermilk in recipes. I'm not sure why I didn't know this before, but now I do.
3. Something to think on: why don't more rich people smoke?
4. How did the corn dog get its name?

I think that's enough things for you to ponder for today.
This past week was full of fun. We went to the Evergreen State Fair in Monroe, hence the corn dog and smoking questions. We also went to watch the Seattle Sounders play soccer. It was super fun!!

I got to see my friend, Tami, and her daughter, Evan. We made baby food.
Marcus and I picked blueberries in North Bend with Jim & Carol, and then went out to lunch with them.
We also played tennis, and took naps.

Coming up this week, we've got some wild adventures ahead...
Tomorrow morning I go see a new doctor, a different naturopath who also specializes in gastroenterology and botany. Sounds interesting, eh?

And, then in the afternoon, we're off to an ob/gyn for an annual appointment. I won't delve into the details of the "annual appointment", but let's just say I'm not really looking forward to it.

On Friday, Sarah(my sister) and Sarah (her friend) arrive and we'll be playing all weekend in Seattle. Then we'll enjoy a Dave Matthews concert in the Gorge, before they fly back to the east coast. It should be wild time.

more fun

On Saturday morning, Marcus got off work after not having slept much the night before. I was not feeling good. As you might remember from past entries, this is not necessarily a good combination. Fortunately, my stomach pain subsided relatively early in the day, and I was able to function well. We headed out for our fun weekend ahead. It began in Fife with a softball tournament for Marcus. It was single-elimination, and they lost in the first game. Normally, this would be very disappointing. But, it was okay this time because it meant that we got to go out to our next adventure on the ferry earlier than we'd thought!

Marcus and I got to have more fun adventures this weekend on Whidbey Island. We took the ferry over, and shared a house with some friends. There were lots of amazing conversations, really good farkel (the dice game) playing, and sunshine to enjoy. We sat by the campfire and made s'mores, talked about how to make the world a better place, contemplated the importance of Christian community, discussed how everyone else's life always looks way better than our own on facebook, and decided that we should go to Greece in the summer of 2011.
And that was just on Saturday!!

On Sunday, we slept in and then giggled after eating a delicious breakfast. We had an adventuresome romp on the beach, it was originally going to be a romantic walk on the beach, but we ended up doing nothing romantic, so we renamed it. We ended up finding sand dollars and spent time checking out mini crabs crawling under the water. We squished the sand between our toes in the surprisingly warm water, and looked at clams and fishies. Then we came back to the house and played corn hole. Although I did not win at corn hole, I still enjoyed myself immensely. After corn hole, we went to rent tandem bikes, thinking that riding a bicycle built for two would be the perfect way to end the weekend--but the bike shop was closed. So we went wine tasting instead. That was delicious and fun, and we found a giant chess board outside that Marcus and Tad played each other on.

All in all, it was a super fun weekend. I was puking the whole time, but it was so much fun that I didn't mind.

date day!! (rated R for language. sorry, its the true life version)

Date day was laughingly re-named "D-day" at Happy Hour this evening while I regailed my friend, Michelle, with my stories from yesterday. Please read the following post with a beer in your hand, or at least some kind of unhealthy snack in your lap--and feel free to laugh out loud. I did, right after I cleaned up. :)

Yesterday, I got up and went to YOGA because i was feeling so good! It's the first time since the fainting episodes that I've allowed myself to participate in any physical activities. My ankle and knee are doing better, and I thought I'd give class a shot, since it was Thursday, and the instructor is pretty chill for the Thursday class.

When I got home, it had just started raining (boo!), so Marcus asked me if I wanted to go see a movie. I excitedly said, "YES! Let's make it DATE DAY today!" So, I ran and changed my clothes, did my hair, primping properly for the festive day ahead. Marcus cleaned up the kitchen while I was getting ready, and then we left for the movie.

We went to see the movie, "The Other Guys." It was hilarious. It has Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, which is funny to me in and of itself. Anyway, the movie was laugh out loud funny. I had a coupon for free popcorn (which was awesome) so we ate popcorn at the movie-- and then I threw up in the middle of some important part, but Marcus caught me up. Don't worry, that's not the funny part of the story. :)

So, then we went to Coho Cafe for some lunch/dinner because we had a gift certificate that we needed to use. Marcus ate calamari. I ordered a BBQ Chicken Quesadilla, ate half, and gave the rest to Marcus. He had a Tokyo Tea, and became a little intoxicated...which was really funny. Then we walked over to Fred Meyer, picked up some groceries so that we could bake some bread--and then headed home.

We made cinnamon chip bread from scratch when we got home, while we munched on fresh-picked blueberries that we picked on Wednesday and we watched Alias season 4 on DVD. This is when date day started to go downhill. First, the loaf of bread burned. (bummer)

The biggest problem, though, is that in the middle of Alias, I had to run to the bathroom to pee. I was literally in the middle of peeing when I began to projectile vomit across the green bathroom. At that same moment, in my mind the best remedy to the situation was to put my hand in front of the stream of vomit to "catch it". However, this merely redirected the puke immediately into my right eye. So now imagine, bright purple puke all over the green wall, the white floor, the clue bath mat, my clothes, dripping down my legs and arms, in my hair, on both my hands, and now in my eye. And I'm still peeing.

My eye is burning. I think that I'm yelling for Marcus to come in and help me.
Instead, I am just yelling, "SH*T! SH*T!" over and over again.
Eventually, Marcus comes running into the bathroom, sees the disaster and asks what he should do. Meanwhile, the stench of purple puke is rumenating and Marcus plugs his nose and backs out of the bathroom. "Do you want a towel?" he says from the hallway.
"Yah, I just want to get the puke out of my eye." Next, I accusatorially ask what took him so long to get into the bathroom.
He says, "You didn't ever call me, you just kept saying,'SH*T, SH*T'. I wasn't sure if you needed me."

This story is much funnier now that everything is all cleaned up. Here is a shameless plug for a cleaning product too: Grandma's Stain Remover. It's amazing. It's for your laundry and can get out BBQ quesadilla and blueberry stains from the same shirt all without bleaching your clothes. Amazing.

I hope the next date day ends a little more calmly. :) At least this one made for a good story, I guess. And I'm sure that bathroom wall needed a thorough cleaning anyway, right?

wave after wave

When things are tough in Pukeville, it's easy to get discouraged. When I find myself rinsing my metal puke bowl out more times than I care to in a day, it's easy to get frustrated. Sometimes I can't even sit still long enough to make it through church. Yesterday was one of those days.

We made it up until the passing of the peace, and by then I had thrown up three times already. I didn't want to sit still anymore, and I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone. So Marcus and I slipped out the back. We did get to hear the sermon before we left, and it was good. It was a helpful reminder that "faith is what happens when ______." It's not necessarily when things are hunky dory, it's about how we respond when things are tough.
The sermon also stressed the important role that the church plays in supporting one another when we're too puny to walk on our own. Pr. John reminded us that we say the creed, (our statement of faith), together, aloud--and sometimes "for" eachother. I'm thankful for the times when I was able to say it for others, and I'm thankful for the times that people are supporting me with their faithfulness now.

When in the land of Pukeville, it seems like endless waves of destruction, fear, and they never seem to end. Marcus and I went to Los Cabos with some friends before I got super sick in 2007. While we were there, I was stuck in the surf, close to shore, but unable to get out; getting pelted with wave after wave. I couldn't get out of the water with my own strength. I was beaten, tossed about, thrown underwater, lost my bearings, and couldn't tell which way was up. I feel like that sometimes after I've been puking all day too. I lay there on the bathroom floor wondering if I've done something wrong, or I have not been trusting God enough with ____. I feel disoriented, discouraged, and not really knowing which way to turn.

Then, God always gives a little hope. Enough joy. A whisper of cheer. A gentle reminder to keep going...to keep trusting...that healing will come.

He calls to me, as He calls to you. Walk with me, this way, He says.

freedom!

It seems that my medical issues have been worked out for now... the doctor's appointment went well on Monday of last week. All of my lab work looks good, even my pre-albumin which checks my nutritional levels were good. They ran an EKG to check my heart as well, and that was normal. The only thing that was borderline low was my thyroid function, but it wasn't low enough that the doctor wanted to do anything about it.

I had been on a couple of medications to dull nerve pain and make me hungry, one of which they believe to be the culprit of my fainting episodes. The doctor reduced my dose significantly on Monday, and then pulled me completely off the med when I was still a little dizzy on Wednesday. Friday I didn't have much of a problem at all, and today seems to be going well so far.

I'm looking forward to a good week of Seattle sunshine, and lots of time by the pool with fun friends! Hugs to all.
brelin

beautiful disaster

The last few days, I should have stayed away from all sources of film and media as a general precaution. Here's why:

1. On Wednesday afternoon, I was whitewater rafting on the Deschutes River. We were tackling the Big Eddy Thriller for the 5-zillionth time in a row, this time all of posing for the photos that we knew they were taking--rather than paddling at the appropriate time. This caused my half of the boat to fly into the boat, pushing the other half of the boat almost out--and causing my bikini bottoms to fall somewhere down below their desired location on my hips. See picture below. The man with the hat is our guide. The guy in front of him is Marcus. I am underneath Marcus' legs with my pants down, but my foot still securely in place so as not to fall out of the boat.

Fortunately, when we received our family copy of the photos, the rafting company had edited out the parts where I was pulling up my pants. Note that in the picture below, we have all returned to our proper locations with paddles in hand. This clearly took a while.

2. The second media mishap of the week occurred when I was cheering for my nieces and nephews while they were playing tennis. Jim, my father-in-law, happened to be videotaping the whole thing, and thus caught the incident on camera. This one isn't quite as funny because it was a bit more serious, and the cause is still unknown--but it's still a little humourous that he got it on film. So, I'm the blue and white blob that runs up to the fence on the far right. I fainted for some reason, and sprained my ankle. I hurt my arm too. Marcus took me to the ER to make sure nothing was broken, and they gave me some fluids too. Here's the video:

3. The next day, I did some shopping with the girls in Bend, and I fainted again. This time, I fell into a clothes rack in a hipster little shop. It was really embarrassing (again). I rolled my same ankle, but fortunately didn't hit my head either time. I have an appointment to see my GI doctor on Monday, and suspect that I'll have a million tests to find out what's going on with my body chemistry--because clearly something is amiss.

4. The good news is that I'm really not feeling all that bad. I've been keeping fluids down well, and peeing--so it seems like I'm not really dehydrated. And I've even kept down some food the last couple of days...so I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm a little frustrated, and borderline discouraged because I can't be left alone, and I can't drive...and now I can't even really walk because my ankle is swollen and sore. Ugh. I just keep thinking that one day I'll wake up and this will all be over...

5. The even better news is that I am so loved. I am so blessed by family, and when I start feeling sorry for myself--I think about those who do not get to experience the love that I feel each day. I am shown God's love through my family and friends, through the giggles and play of my nieces and nephews--and through the tender care of my spouse. God has blessed me so abundantly, and has given me the strength to get through this nightmare of puking, fainting, and pain. He has given me the courage to battle through, and is now giving me the wisdom to know when I need to humble myself and ask for help.

I trust that all things are done is His time, and according to His plan--I just hope that His plan might include healing soon. I'd be a fan.

brelin

33 things

I have a delightful friend named Kristin. I'm blessed with a lot of really terrific people in my life, but Kristin is one friend who literally brings tears (of laughter) to my eyes every time I see her. We were discussing the some of her co-workers and how they were creating lists of things that they hoped to accomplish by the time they were 25...as if that were old. We were realizing that if we were to create our cutesy lists, we'd have to come up with "33 things to do by the time we're 33." It doesn't have quite the same ring to it, but I think we're going to go for it anyway. I'll let you know some of the highlights once that comes together. :)

Marcus and I are headed off tomorrow for the Rismiller Family Vacation. We go to Sun River each year, pile everyone into one big house, and have a blast. It's a lot of quality of family time, and by the end of the week--everyone's pretty exhausted. It really is such a blessing that we all get along so well, and when asked the nieces and nephews couldn't decide if they liked family vacation or Disneyland better--so that helped put things in perspective about how important this trip is. I have no picc line and no feeding tube this year, so I'm looking forward to white water rafting and perhaps the Paulina plunge. I'll be sure to keepyou posted on those.

My brother, Andy, and his fiance, Alyssa, are having a wedding shower at my parent's house in Tri-Cities too--so that's going to be a blast as well. We're looking forward to seeing them and their wedding is coming up in just over a month!

My health seems to be hanging in there for now... I had some weird numbness and tingling yesterday, but it went away and I'm doing well today. I'm still puking, but my weight is stable, and has stayed in the 100's! We love all of your prayers and encouragement, and we thank you for your love.
brelin

longer than first lutheran.

I realized yesterday, that I have been vomiting for a longer period of time than the amount of time that I held my first job out of college. Immediately after graduation, I got a job working as a youth director at First Lutheran Church in Kennewick. It was an amazing job, rather, a calling--where I believe I helped to shape the faith lives of many young people there. I was also young myself, and learned a great deal from that whole experience. In my first month alone, we worked through September 11--and what that meant to us as a nation, as well as young people in a Christian community. I was reflecting back on all the kids and fun that we had just the other day, as I was home visiting with one of the old youth group kids. :) I worked at the church in Kennewick from 9/01-6/04. And, I've been vomiting now 9/07-07/10. Longer. More puking than my first job.

This has caused me to reflect a great deal over the past 24 hours about how I am living now. For a long time, I have been thinking only: "As soon as I get better, I'll be able to affect people this way..." or "When I'm well, I'll be able to return to ministry..." or "When I'm digesting better, I will be sure to do _____." However, I seem to be in this holding pattern of puke. And, while wellness is obviously a good and worthwhile goal, it is important for me to live my life faithfully now. I can't keep waiting for wellness before I allow God to use me. I have to be ready for Him to use me now.

As a society, I believe that we get so caught up in getting ready for what's next. When you're single, you're always looking forward to getting married. Once you're married, people are always asking about when you're going to have kids. I'm not sure what happens after you have kids, because we haven't had any yet, but I'm sure there's something else that you're worrying about... We never really stop to take time and enjoy the phase of life that we're in. We need to rest comfortably in God's love, content in knowing that He has us right where He wants us... and that He'll move us along when He's good and ready.

I'm confident that God will use me and my vomit today. I'm not sure what He's doing in me or through me, but I trust that He's got me right where He wants me to be right now. He's holding me close and reminding me to keep my eyes right on Him.

This past week, I had the opportunity to spend time with my Grandma Sarah in the Tri-Cities. We had a terrific time laughing together and looking through old photos. We also worked hard to re-decorate my mom's backyard while she was away! I think we did a great job!! :)

When I got home, Marcus and I attempted to do an overnight hike to Lake Ann (near Mt. Baker), but ended up coming home after a few hours of hiking around and playing in the snow because I was a little too unsteady on my feet. We did have a terrific time getting down the mountain--Marcus glissading, and me sledding on my bottom with my backpack on. It was a sight to behold. :) We're learning to adjust to life with illness, and sometimes that means coming home even when you really don't want to.

Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I think the meds are helping me. I am keeping liquids down everyday, and some food down most days. There have even been one or two days when I didn't throw up at all. Awesome. Here's a picture from the hike:

running. tennis?

The past couple of days, I have gotten to do two things that I enjoy. One is go running. This is the first time in several months that I had enough energy to run. anywhere. It was awesome. And while I was running, I ran into some of my Young Life girls--which was super fun, and I got to rest in the middle while chatting! (awesome)

And this afternoon, when the sun peeked it's head through the clouds, Marcus and I went to play some tennis!! This is the first time that I've had enough energy to do this in months too!

I'm thrilled!

Now, don't get crazy, thinking that I've made a full overnight recovery. I am still puking several times each day. But I really think that I am managing to keep much more food down each day, and fluids are also staying in much more consistently. I am hopeful that I can enjoy this new "not struggling to stay out of the hospital" version of myself for a while. It's much more pleasant. :)

Thanks for all of your love and sunshine-y thoughts,
brelin

terrible at blogging

Sorry that I have been terrible at keeping you updated lately. I have been really busy doing lots of fun things, which is good--since that means I've had enough energy to do fun things!! :)

I would say that overall, I've trended towards improvement. I'm keeping a little bit of food down some days, and keeping liquids down most days. This is a vast improvement from where I was one month ago. I'm pleased with this progress. I've been able to get out of the house everyday, and play with my friends--which has been lots of fun too!!

Mentally, I'm doing much better as well. My friend, Rebecca, was visiting from Hong Kong this past week, and we got to spend lots of time together--which was awesome. Marcus and I also went camping to Sun Lakes in eastern WA, and just returned home last night. It was sunny and warm, and I'm LOVING it.

There have been a couple of days in the past week where I have gone almost all day without throwing up--which is HUGE. I'm so thankful for this reprieve from constant nausea and pain. Marcus and I were recalling that it was last July when I was feeling "healthy"--so perhaps it is something miraculous about the month? Another thing that I noted, is that I'd been taking zinc supplements trying to avoid a cold that Marcus had. My thought was that perhaps that is helping my nausea and vomiting as well? So, I've continued taking them, since they seem to be helping.

Loads of hugs to all,
brelin

no news is good news?

Mostly, I guess... there is nothing to new to share. Except that it is finally summer at my house. So I have literally been outside as much as humanly possible. And doing my best to stay hydrated. There are some people in Seattle complaining that it's "too hot." I think they are ridiculous. Unless they are old and without air conditioning or menopausal. I feel like those are legitimate reasons to complain.

Since my last entry, I have been busy with lots of things. I was feverishly writing letters to send my Young Life girls off to camp with, since I was not able to attend with them. This was quite a lot of work... and took a lot longer than I had anticipated. But I was able to get it all done, and I'm really looking forward to hearing all of their stories when they get back.

Marcus and I also went to the Tri-Cities and spent a couple days with my parents and my little grandma, Sarah. She has recently moved in with them, and is having some pretty significant health issues. She is 91 years old and currently makes me look chubby. :) Grandma and I had a great time going through old photos together, and her telling me stories from the 1930's and 1940's. It was wonderful!

We got back to Seattle to celebrate a rainy 4th of July with the Rismiller's, roasting hot dogs in a drizzle in the backyard, and then lighting fireworks off in the cold. It was fun, but freezing. Summer (FINALLY) arrived on the 6th of July here in Sammamish. I celebrated by spending the day at the pool. I have made it a point to go to the pool at least one hour every day since then just on sheer principle. :) It is glorious to wake up to SUN finally, and I feel like I'm in heaven.

My health remains fairly ridiculous, and it's been almost a month now since I've gotten out of the hospital. I will call the doctor next week and set up an appointment to follow-up and see what I should be doing, if anything, differently than I am doing now. My weight seems to have plateaued, which is good, and my fluid levels seem to be good. I'm not feeling dizzy for the most part, although when I do get dizzy it comes on very suddenly--so you could pray that the dizziness stops.

A good friend is home from China for a bit, and we have been spending as much time as possible together! It's such a joy to have her back--and I've missed her so much!! :) I'll try to post some fun pictures of our adventures together next time.

My verse of the week is this: Your love has given me great joy and encouragement. Philemon 1:7

I hope you are all experiencing joy and encouragement today!
Love and hugs to all.
brelin

walking with God.

I'm working on a Bible study with some friends from college. This past week, I was reading something about how often times when we pray we ask God to bless us. We ask for God to join us on all of our journeys, plans, and events that we've got booked for the next 3-5 years. However, this may not be the best way to pray at all. It would be so much better for me to ask if I could walk with God each day, rather than asking Him to walk with me. He's always longing to be with me, that's not the issue--but isn't it so much better for me to be seeking His footsteps to follow? Um, yes. :)

Yesterday, our friends were over with their daughter again, learning to swim in the pool. She was horribly afraid to get off of the stairs, afraid of what might happen when she could no longer touch the ground, even though she was wearing her life jacket and her daddy and Marcus were both close at hand. So too, we are often paralyzed with fear-- afraid to step out in faith for whatever might be next.

God promises to offer a "lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path."-psalm 119:105 I take this to mean He's going to shed just enough light for us to take one step with certainty. We can confidently plod along, one step at a time.

He'll let us know just what the next step might be, where and when we need to take it. Yesterday was tough, but I promise to be with you, Brelin. Take a step.
Today was tough, I hear your cries for healing, and I love you. Take a step.
Tomorrow, I'm praying that God's made the footsteps in the sand really deep for me already, so that they're really easy for me to follow, and...S-

put in his place.

Our friend, Abby, came over with her 3-year-old, Kenzi, and her little boy, Ty, the other night for dinner. Marcus was playing on the back patio with Kenzi, checking out the flowers, the birds, and the sunshine. Our neighbors came home, and we heard Kenzi's very loud chirpy voice say,
"Hi! I'm Kenzi! And this, (pointing to Marcus, with an emphatic pause) is my PONY."

Abby and I were inside chatting, but heard the whole thing and we just about died laughing. What do you say after that?! :)

I'm still doing reasonably well. Yesterday was pretty rough, but today seems to be going better. Thanks for your prayers, and love.
brelin

a western washington confession

It's official. I've become "one of them." Yesterday, Marcus and I went to the pool at our condo, stretched out our towels and basked in the glorious rays of sunshine. It was a mere 71 degrees. We didn't brave the frigid waters of the pool, we just sat and read our books trying to absorb natural light. Ahhh, how far I've strayed from my eastern Washington youth. My mom used to have a rule that we couldn't even ask to wear shorts if it wasn't above 60 degrees. And I wasn't allowed to go swimming unless it was over 80. I think if I waited for 80 degrees in Seattle to go swimming, I might never go swimming. EVER.

I also have to report another horrific Western Washington moment. It happened yesterday evening when I ran outside onto the back patio in my bare feet to put the cover on the bbq, as I was muttering under my breath about why Marcus hadn't done it already...when something cold and squishy touched my toe and I gasped/squeeled/pulled my foot off whatever it was and started doing a freakish dance on the back porch until I found the culprit--a slug. SICK. I touched a slug with my clean, bare foot. egh. I came running into the house and could barely speak I was so disgusted. Finally I got the whole story out, and told Marcus that we needed to move to where it was warm, sunny, and where there are no slugs. This place is clearly awful. No wonder I'm puking!! (just kidding)

Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of little stories before I got to the medical report.

I'm keeping down fluids much more consistently I think. I don't feel like I'm teetering on the edge of destruction so much anymore, BUT I am feeling the side effects of my medications quite a bit. Read: I get dizzy frequently from them. I am doing my best to adjust to this new way of life, but it's hard to slow down, and not do "fun" things. I'm also not driving far consistently because of the meds, which is a little frustrating, as I'm having to depend on others...but it's minor in the scheme of things.

My friend, Michelle and I, went to Crossroads Church in Bellevue this morning. The pastor in his sermon said, "If your pain and illness is for God's glory, than it's all worth it, right?" I found myself nodding. I guess that's a good sign. I'm not really sure what God's doing with all this vomiting, but I sure hope He's being glorified in and through it all.

because somehow this makes sense?

Last night, after a fun-filled day of rafting Marcus came home and was hungry. We walked to the Farmer's market, and got some Asparagus and yummy cherries. We threw the asparagus on the grill, and he ate the cherries as an appetizer. I thought I'd make some teriyaki chicken and rice to round out the meal. It looked really good, and I was super hungry, so I thought I'd eat some. I figured, worse case scenario, I would just throw it up. But, guess what happened instead?! I totally kept it all down!!! It was amazing!

I'm still shocked.

:) I'm pretty sure I just quadrupled my caloric intake for the month.

And, to top it all off, it's been sunny in Seattle for 3 days in a row. I think I'm in heaven.

Love
brelin

doing good with liquids!

I'm doing REALLY well with liquids today. Yay! Thank you, Jesus. :)

Awesome.

I just wanted to post this super fun news so that you can all celebrate this evening.

brelin

ignoring the doctor, and other new things.

First of all, happy Father's Day to all of my pops out there: Dad, Dad, and Dad-in-law. I love you all!! Thanks for the love, support, and witty remarks that have helped to shape me all these years. You are all such a delightful blessing to me.

Secondly, I want to state, for the record that I am not typically a rebel. I abide by laws, rules, and regulations for the most part. I have almost always obeyed authority figures, and I still even feel a little guilty when I don't tell the whole truth to my mother. That being said, I blatently disregarded the advice of my physician on Friday. I had called the doc again, after a follow-up phone call from the hospital reminded me of my need to make an appointment. While speaking with the nurse about the care I received a week ago, she prompted me to call the GI doc again, and let him know that my success and progression through the land of "full liquids" was leaving a little something to be desired. I called to ask him what I should do.

The doctor (via his really nice nurse) told me that I needed to get my butt back to the hospital, where he could put another NG tube in, and let my bowels rest for a substantially longer period this time. So that we could "do it right this time." I told them that I appreciated their concern, and that I REALLY did not want to go to the hospital again, and I certainly did not want another NG tube. So, instead, the doc called in a couple of new meds for me to try at home.

I have felt really naughty all weekend, knowing that I "broke" the rules by not listening to the doctor. In my defense, Marcus said that I didn't have to do what the doctor said this time, and that only I really know how bad I feel. I told him that I didn't feel bad enough to go to the hospital...so we had ice cream cones, and went for a walk instead.

I'm still vomiting most everything, but there seem to be little glimmers of hope every so often. I kept down half a container of yogurt the other day, and today, I've digested some cereal. Just enough to keep me guessing, it seems. I think that I'm doing a little better with fluids today too, so that is positive. My BP is still running pretty low (I assume, since I've been more dizzy than normal), we believe it's a low volume issue. The only answer to that problem is to keep more fluids down...which is going to happen soon.

Me and my little rebellious spirit are off to bed now :). Thank you all for your prayers.
brelin

sloooooooooooooooooowly

I'm not very good at doing anything slowly. I don't like to wait, and I'm impatient when I'm not good at things right away.

I am not good at digesting. This is frustrating, and something that I have to re-learn to do, at a pain-stakingly SLOW rate. I can't gulp, I have to sip. I can't run, I have to walk. I can't go from the downward dog position in yoga class to standing straight up without getting dizzy and feeling faint.

I also like to have plans and make plans. This is something else that I need to re-learn to let go of. I can't meet my friend to chat when I can't drive because the room is spinning around me. This is also frustrating.

I KNOW that God has a plan for me, and it's much better than my own plan. It PROMISES this is Jeremiah. However, I often wish that God would include me on the next memo about WHERE and WHEN the plan might be taking place, and all that it entails. I want to look forward to whatever it is that is going to be. Unfortunately, that is not how it seems to be working. Instead of looking ahead to the future, God is asking me, "Brelin, will you be faithful to me right now? Right here, in this time, when you are too weak to go at life in your own power? Will you allow ME to be your strength?"

I think that is what I'm wrestling with the most right now. I can't just be stubborn and get through this battle. I have to, again and again, release my will and uncurl my fingers that are tightly trying to grasp at control--and let God have the authority in my life, in this disease, and in all of my plans for the future.

Yes, Lord. I will trust you today. I will ask for help when I need it. I will not try to muscle my way through the healing process. I will give myself grace when I need to rest. I will relinquish control and authority over my body, this horrific disease that I'm fighting, and all of my plans for the future. And, God, just one more thing...please help me to remember that I said all this tomorrow, when I try to take it back. :)
Amen.

cautiously optimistic

I remain cautiously optimistic about my health. I'm throwing up much less often than I was previously, but I have not stopped vomiting completely. I feel like this is good progress, although it is not the ultimate goal, of course.

I'm working through a bible study with some of my friends from college. We skype in together to discuss the week prior. I managed to fall dreadfully behind, and was dutifully trying to catch up before we have our "meeting" tonight. I started out reading the story where God says, "I am the Potter, you are the Clay." It's really a nice analogy, thinking of how God shapes us and molds us to something beautiful and whole. However, it takes a lot of getting mushed and smashed for us to get there. I know, and trust, that God can use all of this suffering that I'm going through to His glory. I just wish I knew how long that it would all continue. I remain in His hands, and hope that this transitional process will go smoothly, and I pray that it might be over soon. I think back to my own dreadful ashtray creations in elementary school, molded proudly out of clay, for my mom who doesn't smoke. I hope that God will treat me much more gently, and that I will be tasked with a higher purpose than the paperweight I made. :)

It's wonderful to be home. My bed has never been more comfortable than it is right now. It is a privelege and a blessing too, to have a loving husband by my side, who gently comforts me as the nights are long and full of pain.

Thank you to all of you who read and pray faithfully for me. You are a blessing.
brelin

home. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

It seems that the horrible NG tube worked some magic on "retraining" my stomach. I was released from the hospital after being puke-free for 2 days. (yes!!) So far, I've taken in a small nonfat yogurt container, and 3 bites of cream of wheat. Water is staying down with small sips also.

Before I left the hospital, he upped my NG tube drip to 40 mL/hour, which is a couple of Tablespoons per hour. So I just have to eat that slowly and carefully for the next week or two until things get under control and my body thinks "digest" rather than "puke".

He's put me on some drugs that make me a little dopey, but just in the morning, so I can live with that.

I'm cautiously reporting that I feel okay today. Not terrific, but do-able.

I guess that is a good start. :)
brelin

hey there race fans!

I'm actually writing with pleasant news today!! While Dr. Schneier was optimistic abour the NG tube feed, I was less than excited about it. However, it seems to actually be working! They doubled the amount of "food' they were giving me, so it's like I'm digesting 40 mL per hour. That's a few bites every hour! I haven't actually tried with food, and I'm anxious to get out of the hospital. I agreed to stay until Friday, at the doctor's urging. Side note: apparantly the NG is not supposed to be uncomfortable. Perhaps I'm a big whimp, but this thing hurts really badly. Not to mention, that I vaguely resemble an elephant, with a large trunk and a little body.

Last night after the doctor knocked me out with some amazing medicine, I slept well; until the nurses start grabbing stuff from all around me and say, "you have to move." It is 1:30 am. Really? They couldn't have figured this all out during the normal waking hours? Hmph. It was rough getting back to sleep, but I was able to sleep in a bit.

Well, tomorrow's the day of freedom!! Sorry, Maya, that we had to miss your party! Maybe we can see you really soon to give you your presence!

Lots of love, and pray for sleep and healing--
brelin

wednesday and the epigastric tube

This morning, Dr. Schneier was less than impressed by my progress. Meaning: he has decided to completely remove me from everything by mouth, and slowly drip antiseptic and 1 T. of nutritonal drink each hour through an epigastric tube. For those of you not schooled on medical lingo, and epigastric tube is a small tube that runs up your nose, down the back of your throat, and into your stomach. For those of you who have experienced this, it is one of the most painful procedures that you can have. The doc is hoping this will retrain my stomach, as there will constantly be food in it that it will have to get used to. Perhaps by overwhelming the stomach, the food will just vote to go down and digest instead.

I'm really having a hard time battling the mental aspect of pain and nausea today. Please pray that my body does not reject the tube feeding, and that I might be healed completely with this procedure. Also, please pray that my spirits will be lifted, and that I will feel God's peace and comfort today especially.

Addendum

Since my super-optimistic entry from this morning, I have been completely unable to keep anything down...liquids, jello, and my meds included.

My pain levels are atrocious, and vomiting is again out of control. My nurse paged the doctor this afternoon to see if I could switch back to some of my nausea/pain meds by IV. He said "no", since I wanted to get out of here soon.

Ugh. I'm a little frustrated with myself for being so ambitious. Don't worry, Marcus has scolded me properly for jumping the gun. (*just for the record, he thinks "counseled" is a better word than "scolded".)

the update,

Well, lots of things have happened over the past 24 hours, and things seem to finally be heading in the right direction...

Yesterday morning, Dr. Schneier (my GI doc) changed up my whole regimen of medication, and started me on 6 new drugs. One steroid to increase my cortizone. One med to protect the lining of my stomach and intestines. Nitroglycerine patch to relax my intestines, and help with the pain. A low level anti-depressant at bedtime to help me sleep, make me hungry, and relax the spasming. This was all in addition to a bunch of other anti-nausea meds, and a pain pump.

I continued vomiting all day and night, and then went to bed. I made it through the entire night without throwing up!! He removed my pain medicine pump last night, and I tolerated that ok.

This morning I had a couple of bites of cereal and threw it up, BUT have only puked once this whole day, and it's already 12:30!! Yay!! I am feeling a little cranky today, and am sort of anxious to go home, so I'm thinking this is all a good sign. Up until today, I've been content languishing in the hospital bed. This morning, I cleaned up my room, re-organized my stuff in he room, and had some fun visitors.

Dr. Schneier just came in, and I asked about being able to go home. He's going to switch me to all oral medications and see how I do. He's lowering my TPN to just 1 L per day, in hopes that will increase my appetite. He's also increasing the dose of nortripylene at bedtime, so hopefully I will sleep a bit better. He increased my dose of marinol (an anti-nausea drug like marijuana) too. If I tolerate all of this well, and seem to be stable--he said I might get to go home tomorrow!

I think that is all. Phew! I'm tired after reporting all that. :) Thank you for all of your prayers and support... they seem to working!

Many hugs and love from Stevens Hospital-
brelin

nothing really new

My cortisol level tests showed that my baseline levels are low, most likely because my body is basically starving. However, when asked to perform, my adrenal glands step up to the plate, and act as they are supposed to. This is good news, because it rules out the possibilty of Addison's disease.

I continue to vomit very frequently. I am on multiple anti-nausea meds, which don't seem to help. When I ingest nothing at all, I vomit straight stomach acid. It is painful, and causing my throat to hurt pretty bad. Today I got a small bloody nose while puking, which was a new adventure. But that hasn't repeated since this morning fortunately.

My pain levels are under control for the most part, and I sort of feel like a walking zombie... I'm pretty loopy, but it's better than hurting.

I continue to be on TPN, and they are pretty aggressively re-feeding me. My liver is playing nice right now, so they are able to put in a lot more calories than they have in the past. My docs have managed to keep me on enough meds to protect my liver during the re-feeding so that's good.

I got some cute new pajama pants from my mom, which always cheers me up. :) I've had a fairly steady stream of visitors which helps to keep my spirits up.

Marcus is doing fine. He ran in a half marathon yesterday in Portland, and is feeling fine. He's at work today, and then will be hanging out with me tomorrow.

I'm not sure when I might be released from the hospital... I don't even have a good guess. I continue to trust that God has a plan and purpose for all of this. I'm praying that healing happens soon... I'm exhausted.

more weird symptoms and still vomiting...

I hoped that the vomiting would at least be under control while I was in the hospital. I'm not really sure why I thought that would be a possibility, but I was fairly optimistic. Alas, my vomiting has continued, and perhaps even gotten worse since I've been here. I continue to puke just stomach acid when there is nothing in my tummy.

My labs came back with a new weird symptom: low cortisol levels. They are doing another test now to see if there is something wrong with my adrenal glands. I should know the results tomorrow.

I've also developed a bizarre tongue/mouth thing called glossitis. Apparantly it is from malnutrition.

I'm still on TPN (which is total nutrition), and they have re-hung my lipids bag once a day. I'm also on sugar water to get more calories in each day.

I'm pretty tired today, but holding up alright. I'm looking forward to being in my bed sometime in the next few days.

Thanks for all of your prayers.
brelin

the update

The doctor came by this afternoon, and told me what's going on. He injected my stomach and intestines with botox while performing an endoscopy on Thursday.
He changed around my medications, lowering them a bit, because I was just too groggy. My liver enzymes were initially terrible, but it seems like they've gotten those under control for today. He took away my lipids package, thinking that might have been the problem.

My blood sugar has been running low (like 61 and 69) which is weird because normally on TPN your blood sugar goes up.

I've been enjoying lots of visitors, and it helps speed the time up... The doctor told me to be up and walking more, so I've been pacing the floors with my industrial size IV cart.

I'll let you know more tomorrow.

i'm still here :)

First of all, thank you to everyone who has taken time to see me! It really helps keep the days from dragging on.

Secondly, there isn't much to report. I'm still feeling crappy, and still vomiting all the time. I'll try to post later today when we know something more.

Love you all.
brein

I'm still alive.

They started TPN last night, and my liver enzymes are already elevated. Please pray for the wisdom to heal this appropriately.
The plan for tomorrow is to have an upper GI endoscopy, complete.They also plan to put a shot of something into my stomach and/or intestines with antiseptic.

I have recently been moved up to the "big girl" iv tower, since they didn't all fit on the normal one anymore.

I'm still puking and dry heaving now, but feeling much calm about it all. They gave me marinol too :)

Hugs,
brelin

private room. :)

So, I'm in the hospital, and down to a record low weight for myself. Getting things going upon my arrival was sort of a disaster, and I ended up waiting (rather impatiently) for pain and nausea medications for about 4 hours. I'm still vomiting with no real end in sight, which is fairly frustrating.

They have started a picc line in my arm, and gave me a bag of fluids. Now, I am slowly receiving sugar in my IV and will start on TPN at 9 pm tonight. The pain meds and nausea meds are coming through, but I'm not feeling tremendous relief yet... They just gave me some muscle relaxants and more nausea meds, so hopefully those will be kicking in soon.

Thanks for all of your warm wishes and thoughtful prayers. Please pray that I rest well and that my pain will be under control soon.

blessings,
brelin

the doctor. key scary, dramatic music...

For those of you who know me well, I don't really call the doctor. I figure they've pretty much exhausted their treatment options, so I just don't call them to bother them every day to let them know that I'm still vomiting. However, when my pain is ridiculously out of control, when I'm not keeping fluids down well, or when I find myself having trouble walking to bed because it hurts so bad: I realize it's time to bother the physician.

So, I called the doctor on Monday, and they squeezed me in on Tuesday. Again, I don't often call--so when I do call, the nice nurse takes a message about what's going on--and then they immediately call me back and fit me in.

On Tuesday at the doctor's office, I repeated my story to him about what was going on with me health-wise, and he told me that he'd like to admit me to the hospital for "tinkering". He said that I could wait until after the long weekend if I wanted, since I probably already have plans. I was happy to wait until next week to roll into Stevens Hospital, so that I could have fun this weekend. :) While I'm in the hospital, they plan to insert another picc line, and feed me TPN through my arm. This will allow me to get good nutrition. (YAY!) Please pray specifically that I tolerate this well, and that it does not cause my liver enzymes to elevate.

Additionally, they are putting my bowels to rest. He's planning to dope me up with muscle relaxants and pain meds, so that hopefully my pain will stop and the spasming will cease. He'll also do something to my stomach so that hopefully I won't vomit just straight stomach acid like I have been lately. I suspect I'll be in there for about a week.

To hold me over until the hospital admission, he filled with me 2 liters of fluids and IV nausea meds. Aaahhhhhh. This always helps me feel like a whole new woman. :)

I'll be sure to try and update this more regularly to keep you up to date on what's going on. I'm headed to the Tri-Cities for my cousin's wedding this weekend, my nephew's birthday party on Monday, and then I'll probably be admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning.

Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes. I'll let you know how things are going once I'm in. :)

"he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistance... pray in this way too." -paraphrase of luke 11. This is the verse that I'm holding onto right now. I KNOW that God is hearing all of our prayers, and I'm waiting for my miraculous healing. It's probably going to be any minute. :)

Hugs and love to all!
brelin

seeded grapes

I've done this twice now in the past few months. I go to Costco, and wander through the fruit section, hoping to be inspired. I discover a diamond in the rough (or so I think) when I stumble upon beautifully large perfect-looking red grapes. I get them home, wash them, and am so eager to eat them that I totally do not read the label--until it's too late. I'm chewing, I'm chewing, and crunch. There should be nothing crunchy about my fabulous grape experience... and yet? "Seeded grapes." The package says. Hmph. Why do they even sell them that way anymore? They should actually label them "high-maintenance grapes". Fortunately, I do not have a job--thus plenty of time to remove the seeds from each grape in the four pound container that I just purchased to save money.

While I'm ranting on ridiculous things, can we please discuss the term "sunbreaks." This is a purely Seattle phenomenon, which I do not appreciate at all. Why don't they just tell you that it's going to rain on and off all day long? Honestly.

My pain is pretty bad today, but nothing I can't live through... I trust that God is hearing the loud cries of my heart tonight, as I beg for healing again and again. Shoot, if He can give Brett Michaels from Poison a second chance at life, He can totally heal me. :)